With Cain Gone, Is Anyone Willing to Be Able?

I did not have sex with that woman. Seems to be an echo in here, ya dig? But, you didn't ask about that other woman. No, not that one, the other one, Hell, I ain't gonna tell you which woman, that's your job. The job of the liars on the liberal media cyborg Commie-lovin' Democrat side of the aisle at the supermarket. How dare you question me, I am a business man!!

Well, silly us, expecting to know the truth, and worse yet, expecting ethical and moral integrity. How bloody stupid have we Amuricans become? Don't listen to that man on the news, listen to the mumblings coming from behind that curtain, the one marked Tea Party Spoken Here.

Ya know, I highly doubt all the cats are out of the bag yet. The way that Romney keeps trying to control the flow of info, the few and bearly substantive interviews, the constant refusal to open himself up for deep and cogent questioning, makes me think there's something he's terrified of coming to light. The rest are clearly wack-a-doodles, but Romney seems to be trying to slide in under the radar. He must be glad that Cain is the one whose sacrifice displeased the Lord, this time.

Has anybody out there even CONSIDERED sleeping with him? Out of his scratchy underwear, that is? Of course, who would really want to admit to such depravity?

Long Time Gone, Piss-Poor Excuses

Thought you'd lost me, eh? No such chance. I was basically lying in wait for something a bit different than all the crap that's come before. Yes, I know, futile gesture. But the wait did me good, in addition to an intrusion by other physical structural failures, (hey, aging sucks, OK? Get on with it.) And besides, here we are back in the silly season, declared "party hacks" beating the tar out of each other. Just like the old days, you know - the Roman Coliseum? Only thing missing is the lions, but it would be a shame to give those wondrous beasties food poisoning now, wouldn't it?

But you have to love it, all the gaffes, affairs, insane, so-called "ideas" flouted as reasoned policy objectives. Not to mention the major increase in business to hair-care product companies. And if you have been paying any attention to the latest flavor of the week, well, looks like vanilla is gonna win, unless Grover Norquist rears his ugly butt to object. Probably make everybody sign a pledge to only vote with their feet, on a Wednesday, or some such. These bozitos will sign anything to keep from having Grover approach them with that enema nozzle again.

What I really love about the putative candidates are how they so cynically employ the sordid "Americans want...; Americans don't want...." crap. Well, if you really pay attention to all the polls, not just the one's you paid someone to wipe your arse with, you would be hard pressed to make a case to either effect. Americans want what they want, and I can guaran-damn-tee you it isn't the bullstuff these jokers want Americans to believe it is. The fact is, a very sizable majority of Americans want the wealthy to pay their fair share in taxes, but the Retreads are firmly wedged into the butt-cheeks of those so-called wealthy few so far that they can't reach the remote, and thus continue to live in a parallel fantasy world, clinging to hopes that one of them will be the beauty queen to drag America even further down the rat hole.

I can see an entirely new version of "The Sing Off". Acapella debates, with judges from each social class, but with weighted votes, where The Koch Brothers get the 99%, and everyone else has to split the remaining 1%, and they are required to so so from inside a tent behind the auditorium.

Oughta make for some great television.

He Lives! He Lives! [yawn]

Yes, I'm back. Ah, the frailties of the human condition. Took a bit longer to mend than the docs said it would. But then, I was born a contrarian, after all. And what happens while I'm having all my organs replaced with high-density plastics? All hell breaks loose, that's what happens!

Oil (which, by the way, makes up the bulk of my current organ supply, so I'm a bit concerned about this, as you might imagine) is spewing, yep, spewing into the ocean at a rate that is almost guaranteed to bring back the dinosaurs (whose blood it is, after all.) And do Amuricans bat an eye? Do they take any noticeable steps to, dare I say it, reduce their consumption of said oil? No, they do not. Why not? You remember that joke about why the dog licks it's own crotch? 'Bout sums it up, dontcha think?

I mean, its not like its the end of the world (unless you are an ocean critter, of course,)so lets go full tilt, baby! Gas up that guzzler twice today, and keep the economy going. Funny thing about that, the economy being dependent on rampant consumerism and all? You really only have two choices, if you crunch it all down: you either go full speed till its all gone, in which case you get your general total-system collapse as a kind of instant, non-stop party, with all the associated downsides, or (and this is merely for argument's sake, really - we would never actually make this choice,)we show some foresight, and start working on alternative systems full-tilt, so the collapse is a bit slower, and far more manageable, and maybe even (more pie-in-the-sky stuff here, folks) reasonably recoverable, with a far lower loss of life, habitat, and self-esteem.

Like I said, highly unlikely. So, full-system collapse, end-of-the-world situation. As long as that dino-blood keeps coming until the last day. Right?

I'm really gonna miss them mudbugs, ya know?

Well, it's Boxing Day in America - Did You Buy Your Politician a Gift Today?

Ah, I love the smell of off-season primaries in the morning! This year, we get a special treat - rabble-rousing stuff of the earth tea baggers funded by Massey Coal! Yep, this "grass root" movement is actually an open-pit movement funded by dirty coal. Turns out the fat cat what owns Massey Coal doesn't like too many (read: any) guvmint regulations, cuz, well, it get's his profit hungry panties in a bunch. So, cuz he can't get his way with the current (read: non-Bush) guvmint, well, he's gonna buy a guvmint that suits his personal needs. And, he's gonna fool a bunch of easy to fool fools into foolishly believing THEY are the one's in charge! Wow, talk about an excellent conspiracy of dunces.

Now, I'd like to re-shape the guvmint to MY own liking as much as the next billionaire, (Oh, you didn't know?) but I just don't think that was part of the "original Intent" of the foundling fathers for their newly founded fatherland. (ahem.) But why should that matter? This is Amuricah - land of the foreclosure, home of the knave, where the Almighty Profit has gone fourth and ten with seconds to go, and has plans to keep all of us, (no, not you tea baggers, uh-uh) in debt up to our third eyes for all eternity. And lo! he spaketh unto them and led them all into the wilderness of the suburbs, and made them glad to be consumers of consumption, he sayeth unto the Lard! You see how easy it is to cite scripture when your rapture is about to rupture?

Look, we KNOW you chumps just cannot be honest about your real feelings, cuz that would mean you'd have to actually own up to being the frightened white sheep that you truly are. I mean, when you yahoos say something that is clearly racist, ya'll get all fired up stoopid complaining how you are being "maligned" (look it up) just like, oh, how does Glenny-Boy put it? The Nazis are coming, the Nazis are coming!! And look! They just happen to be a mixed set, not one uniformly god-given color like us! And to have to face the trooth of yourself, well, that sends so many mixed signals to the little ones, who so look up to ya'll for guidance of their missiles. Who knows - they might even end up being aimed (horrors!) right back at you.

Ooh, messy.

Well, we'll certainly know better tomorrow whether the 'baggers are going to succeed in pulling down the entire Republican Party and drive it well over the wrong wing cliff. I certainly am cheering for ya'll. 'Cuz there is one thing I am dead certain of - Amurica tends to shy away from the extremes, regardless what side of the Great Divide they may fall. Because fall they will.

Which, as Martha likes to say, is a good thing! Maybe then, we can actually get something done in this country.

Toodles, ya'll!

Creationism? You're Kidding, Right? No? Wow....

People who believe in such things tell us that God created US!! – all of us. Starting with the mythic Adam, and right up to everyone on the planet today. And most such people – those who believe in such things – also seem to believe this happened somewhat recently, as in, Adam and Eve palled around with the dinosaurs. But that’s not the issue; the issue is the whole creation thing.


Lets take it at face value for a moment, for the sake of argument, of which there has been plenty on this topic, already. And let’s not get too very Jesuit about this, either, because, well, those guys are, you know, “well educated” and stuff, and we don’t want too many of them poking their noses into our little exercise here, at least not just yet. Maybe later.


So, Adam, Eve, Cain, Abel. Small family unit, some contentious issues, leading to an early foreclosure and eviction, followed some time later by fratricide. First family, and already, dysfunction. Whatever. But they are also, following the existing storyline, the first “peoples”, as in the village, nation, planet – it’s just them, and the animals.

I think I’ve got that right.

First question – where does the second family come from? There is some vague story about the two tribes – Canaanites, and I suppose Abelites? But if Cain slays Abel, uh, how do the Abelites come into the picture? And even more interesting questions arise about Cain – who did he marry, in his years of self-torture and mark on the forehead (or was it foreskin? I’m confused,) if there was no second family? Or (and this goes against most civilized mores, I must warn you,) did Adam and Eve have more kids than has been told, and, if so, was there inter-marriage? You know, incest (shudder?) So you see, this seems a bit sticky to me. The myth doesn’t say whether God did or did not continue with the whole “build-a-better-man-and-woman thing. But it does seem to imply we all, yep, you, too, bucko, are descended from the apple-eaters.

So you see why I pose the question, right? You get your butts ejected from the time-share naturist leisure world, and then its all “wanna do it again” every darn night, for who knows how long. I mean, at some point, Eve’s gotta want to take a rest, wouldn’t you think? And the myth also seems to want us to believe they lived an awfully long time, what six-hundred years, give or take? I have to think those last fifty were a real pain. “Aw, for God’s sake, Adam, go tend the flock. I’ve got a freakin’ headache, back ache, toothache, at least in the two I’ve got left. And you, you putz. You don’t exactly spring into action the way you used to. And I’m the one’s always feeding the damn great, great, and not-so-great grandkids. So shut up and go to sleep, already.”

And of course, the kids are, well, engaging in inappropriate behavior, but we had to go forth and multiply over and over and over, until now, we desperately need to learn a little subtraction. It’s just basic math.

So this means, God either kept up the production line, or somebody needs to get child protective services on the line, like, yesterday!. OK, yeah, it’s a little late for that, I guess. But there’s another question – if God kept up the production line, didn’t any of them actually hold to the terms of the contract, vis-à-vis that “fruit of the tree” thing? If they did, why would they leave the time share? And if they didn’t, well, there goes that “no imperfections” thing, which is apparently one of the bigger selling points about the Big Guy, after all. Which may start to erode the whole tithing thing, over time. I’m just sayin’!

I mean, this myth has some serious holes in it. If we can’t make it past this basic issue, the story falls apart. Continuity here, people!

But I suppose there’s another possibility – there was more than one Big Guy. That is what most people believed, took as an article of faith, held up as certainty, taught the kiddies in catechism, etc., that there were gods in everything. So they’re all molding mud and dissecting ribs, and, sorry to say, setting behavioral parameters that these newly minted baby makers cannot stick to! This is a far-more believable story line, because, well, the math works

This, of course, flies in the face on the monotheistic crowd, hell, pretty well gets their holy panties in a bunch. They always tell you, “take it on faith.” What, like Nixon? Clinton? Bush, Jr.? Eh, I don’t think so. Didn’t “religious” people once tell their children they’d been brought home by a stork? Or found under a cabbage patch? See, once you get the first part of the story wrong, it’s pretty sticky to admit you may have got it completely wrong. And that just leads to more, er, confabulation (I’m trying to avoid the “L” word, here, just to be polite.) And eventually, that celibacy thing, and the kids, and, bbrrr, you end up in litigation, and charges, and all that unwanted scrutiny, and well, the myth starts to sag a bit.

Plus, you are pretty much stuck with trying to explain that whole “dinosaur” issue. You just know you’re going to get laughed right out of the room.

One Last Smack in the Kisser Before I Go

Well, it's come down to this - I am having my throat cut tomorrow. No, it's nothing YOU said, because, well, you've been rather silent - on pretty much everything. No, it's because I am actually getting my throat cut. Really. I go under the knife, ostensibly to remove the Curse of The Moose Queen from my neck (she - She-Rah, is a pain in the neck, you see.) I will be in recovery with my half-naked shaman healer gal for several weeks or so, depending on how many antlers they have to remove. So feel free to go through my extensive snark-ives if you have just recently joined the fray. But worry not - Notumbus shall return! Until then, here's a parting shot:

On pretty much any day these days, newspapers, web news, TV, iWipes, whatever, are going for the jugular. "Slap 'em upside the head," appears to be the new approach to journalism. Hell, don't just slap 'em, kick 'em while their down, pound 'em to the ground, and do it with a s**t eating grin all the while. Oh, yes, it's pretty much world-wide at this point, but we Amuricans, we do it up right, and with far more vitriol than anyone else. And that's just one of the things that makes Amurica the Greatest Show on Earth. We don't just f**k around, no siree, we go straight for the 'nads, while simultaneously hiding behind the First Amendment. Hell, we've even found the wiggle room in that exception to the 1st, "don't shout fire in a crowded theater." We do it with innuendo and slime-journalism, setting the other guy up, ala "So, you don't really beat your wife ten times a week, do you? It must really be more like, oh, five, right?" Yeah, that's journalism, alright.

I like how suddenly everyone is all, "oh goodness, we have to do something about the bullying in the schools." Like they only just figured out this crap has been going down. Forget about the prior thousand or so years of the same violence taking place right under their noses. But here is the real Jake on this malarkey - at the same time folks are in a frou-frah about bully's in the schools, most are awfully defensive about their own bullying. Whether its the Tea Bagger's Union screaming about running politicians out of town on a splintered rail, or the Not-so-Progressives screaming about pushing She-Rah off a cliff, it seems bullying is the soup du-jour. But its the hypocrisy of all this that floors me. You really want to stop bullying in the schools? Really? The start by trending your own behavior toward civility, by debating each other with respect. Because truthfully? If I was a kid today (I was one yesterday, but today I got up on the wrong side of the era) I would be taking a page from the screaming, asinine adults all around me, and making school like Lord of the Flies. 'Cuz see, that's how we kiddies learn - from you big-mouthed louts. So stop yer whining, buck-o.

Now, some of you one or two readers of this scurrilous rag may think I am two-faced on this, but I have never said, nor will I ever say, that anyone is better than me. I would never say that. However, as someone who suffered at the hands of bully's in school, I am simply smackin' back at the ones I can see out there in the whatever-o-sphere, sort of a proxy revenge, if you will. So, if you don't like my snarky opinion, you are entirely free to spew your own. Me? I go by the simple philosophy - don't try to slap a steak on my plate, and I won't knock the pork-chop offn yourn.

In the meantime, try to be nice to folks, even if you disagree with their perspective. One day, you might need their help. And if all you do is spit on them, do you really think they'll bend down to lend you a hand when misfortune craps all over you? Yeah, didn't think so. I mean, if you are going down for the last time, you gonna ask the hand that reaches out to save you if they are a stinkin' Liberal? Hey, that's YOUR problem, ain't it?

Toodles. See ya soon.

Gee, Sounds Like The Weather Underground has Gone Reactionary Rabid Wrong. Oops, Sorry. That's Tea Party to You, Socialist!

OK, now we are getting somewhere! Every Governor in the nation has received orders from a "sovereign citizen" whack-job group telling them - TELLING THEM -  to step down within three days of they will be "removed." Yeah, FBI is already all over these guys, but really, people over there on the Far Far Wrong - do you really think your group-think is not "socialist."? I mean, where's the "rampant individualism" already? See, this is where the rhetoric meets the road. You run around like a bunch of screaming chickens, screaming about the sky falling if poor people get health care coverage (wow, gotta think about that one,) and then get all surprised when the REAL whack-a-doodles wake up the whole farm yard. Uh, what part of "shouting fire in a crowded theater " don't you understand?

Of course, none of this is that surprising. The Wrong Wing is famous for calling the kettle black. From the murder of doctors to the bombing of innocent people (McVeigh? Olympic Village? Shall I go on?), at each and every juncture of this increasingly obscene excuse for a political movement, the GOP has steadfastly (wow, they sure are steadfast, eh?) refused to condemn or disassociate themselves from the Far Wrong Fringe. Good on them!

You see, they seem to believe that these armed fruitcakes are their base! Well, in at least one sense, they are right - these fruit cocktails are truly and really base. Not to mention, bass-ackwards. Because believing these forms of increasingly violent rhetoric and actions will win them a majority in the next election is, well, how can I say this kindly? Hmm. Hmm. Naw, no way to do that, so... We must conclude they are totally drinking their own kool-aid. Let's try for a little perspective, shall we?

First, there is a belief within the ranks of Republicants their party was single-handedly responsible for the ending of slavery, ending of segregation, civil rights laws, and a myriad of other social(ism) laws and actions to spread harmony and good cheer. Er, not so. Were they involved? Yes, to varying degrees. But they did NOT act along strict partisan lines in any of these issues. Were the Demoncrats solely responsible for the fact of slavery? In the South, that would be a big YES. In the North/ Uh, most abolitionists were NOT Republicants, and many were Demoncrats.

By the same token, in the present day, are Demoncrats the only party to ever use recess appointments and reconciliation to get the work of Congress done? Hell, no. Republicants used recess appointments quite frequently, and during the Bushy years, used reconciliation many, many times, especially to enact tax cuts for the rich. (By the way, you want an excellent argument for repealing those tax cuts for the rich? It will keep them from spending so much on mortgage default swaps, those pesky inventions that have killed our economy. They would have to actually pay their fair share for once, instead of screwing the country at both ends.) So please, bozitos, if you are going to keep screaming, please, at minimum, get your facts straight. To wit:

No death panels.

No relocation camps.

No one wants your guns. (But please use them on yourself first, if you love them so much.)

and...

No black helicopters are coming for you. Really. Because you, ya little snot, just ain't that important. Besides, most of them are currently in Iraq and Afghanistan. Where, if you were any kind of true Patriot, is exactly where you would be right now. Instead of playing war games in your camy-jammies. And if the sky IS falling, why, I'd more likely believe it was gonna fall on the wacky Wrong. Why? Because the ancient law of karma - what goes around, comes around. Or, as the Christian Wrong likes to say it, "doing unto others what you would have them do unto you." Ooh, that's gotta sting!

In the meantime, dear whack-a-doodles, please tone it down. The rest of the critters in the barnyard could do with a little more sleep, before we get up to do our more productive work than the work you do - screaming about the sky falling. And put away those guns - don't want Farmer Brown to add you to the Thanksgiving shopping list now, do you?

Toodles!