One Last Smack in the Kisser Before I Go

Well, it's come down to this - I am having my throat cut tomorrow. No, it's nothing YOU said, because, well, you've been rather silent - on pretty much everything. No, it's because I am actually getting my throat cut. Really. I go under the knife, ostensibly to remove the Curse of The Moose Queen from my neck (she - She-Rah, is a pain in the neck, you see.) I will be in recovery with my half-naked shaman healer gal for several weeks or so, depending on how many antlers they have to remove. So feel free to go through my extensive snark-ives if you have just recently joined the fray. But worry not - Notumbus shall return! Until then, here's a parting shot:

On pretty much any day these days, newspapers, web news, TV, iWipes, whatever, are going for the jugular. "Slap 'em upside the head," appears to be the new approach to journalism. Hell, don't just slap 'em, kick 'em while their down, pound 'em to the ground, and do it with a s**t eating grin all the while. Oh, yes, it's pretty much world-wide at this point, but we Amuricans, we do it up right, and with far more vitriol than anyone else. And that's just one of the things that makes Amurica the Greatest Show on Earth. We don't just f**k around, no siree, we go straight for the 'nads, while simultaneously hiding behind the First Amendment. Hell, we've even found the wiggle room in that exception to the 1st, "don't shout fire in a crowded theater." We do it with innuendo and slime-journalism, setting the other guy up, ala "So, you don't really beat your wife ten times a week, do you? It must really be more like, oh, five, right?" Yeah, that's journalism, alright.

I like how suddenly everyone is all, "oh goodness, we have to do something about the bullying in the schools." Like they only just figured out this crap has been going down. Forget about the prior thousand or so years of the same violence taking place right under their noses. But here is the real Jake on this malarkey - at the same time folks are in a frou-frah about bully's in the schools, most are awfully defensive about their own bullying. Whether its the Tea Bagger's Union screaming about running politicians out of town on a splintered rail, or the Not-so-Progressives screaming about pushing She-Rah off a cliff, it seems bullying is the soup du-jour. But its the hypocrisy of all this that floors me. You really want to stop bullying in the schools? Really? The start by trending your own behavior toward civility, by debating each other with respect. Because truthfully? If I was a kid today (I was one yesterday, but today I got up on the wrong side of the era) I would be taking a page from the screaming, asinine adults all around me, and making school like Lord of the Flies. 'Cuz see, that's how we kiddies learn - from you big-mouthed louts. So stop yer whining, buck-o.

Now, some of you one or two readers of this scurrilous rag may think I am two-faced on this, but I have never said, nor will I ever say, that anyone is better than me. I would never say that. However, as someone who suffered at the hands of bully's in school, I am simply smackin' back at the ones I can see out there in the whatever-o-sphere, sort of a proxy revenge, if you will. So, if you don't like my snarky opinion, you are entirely free to spew your own. Me? I go by the simple philosophy - don't try to slap a steak on my plate, and I won't knock the pork-chop offn yourn.

In the meantime, try to be nice to folks, even if you disagree with their perspective. One day, you might need their help. And if all you do is spit on them, do you really think they'll bend down to lend you a hand when misfortune craps all over you? Yeah, didn't think so. I mean, if you are going down for the last time, you gonna ask the hand that reaches out to save you if they are a stinkin' Liberal? Hey, that's YOUR problem, ain't it?

Toodles. See ya soon.

Cheney Down, Punching All The Way to the Canvas! Crowd On It's Feet!

Its not supposed to be nice to applaud someone's potential demise, unless its bin Laden, or Hitler, or some horrible miscreant who has sullied the human race's "good name" (ahem!). But I have to add the Dick-meister's name to that sordid list, if only for his, what in other times would be called, seditious speech and behavior. He is about one adjective away from calling for open insurrection, and goading on the more insane among the populace. When one looks at what the Tutsi's managed to foment against the Hutu's (or was it the other way around? No matter - they did the usual tit-for-tat, anyway), then it is not a far stretch from that to firing up the malcontents here in a country that has more armaments per capita than all the machetes in Rwanda, by about a 1000 to one ratio.

So the way I see it, chest pains aren't even close to what this cretin needs to feel, if in fact Darth Vader is even capable of feeling at all. Throat excision might be a reasonable start. "Oh", you whine, "so you are against free speech for the other side, is that it?" No, not so, except to the extent it is not considered free speech to shout fire in a crowded smoking tent. The Far Wrong has been trying to curtail free speech for decades, from textbooks, to library books (freakin' Huck Finn, for Chesty Morgan's sake!) to people who voted for Ralph Nader. OK, maybe not that last one, but still, the track record of the Wing Nuts on the issue of wanting others to shut the frak up is without peer. So my wanting the Dick-meister to shut the frak up is, I think, in the same spirit as the spewings from Tush Limpburger. Oh, don't get me started.

As long at the Repugnants insist on flaunting candidates like She-Rah Pail-In and an entire passel of no-nothing, see-nothing nut-jobs onto the world stage, well, I just gotta be greatful when the fickle finger of fate nails one of these cheese-for-brains and brings them down to the reality many are having to face every day - no jobs, no or far too expensive health care (protection racket) insurance, and a host of other base-line crapola. Maybe they would slowly start to change from the Party of No, to a party more concerned with people than with their corporate butt-buddies.

Me? I ain't holding my breath. Except when the stink is more than I can bear.

Besides - my stinkin' "insurance" company doesn't cover preexisting political disgust.

Toodles.

Jerks in the Ascendency: O'Really Really Pokes Self in Eye

The LA Times has a story on the great Bill Moyers, last of the true moralists in media today. Seems this particular Bill is stepping down, figuring that 75 years is as good a time as any to finally retire, maybe write some more books, maybe take the grandkids fishing. Good on him, I say, and may the best await you.

But this is the story of another Bill, a Jerk of the First Magnitude. Seems Bill O'Really? thinks it was he who is responsible for "forcing Moyers off the air."  Talk about a foul stench.This Jerk of Jerks, this King Rat Jerk, who has nothing but bone in his head, actually has the temerity to believe he is a better person than Moyers? If it wasn't so clearly laughable, I'd be projectile vomiting at the very air he occupies.

Let's set the record straight, eh? O'Really doesn't have the talent of a dead gnat - he just yells louder than a wounded pig. Yes, its clear he "speaks" to some "element" such as the teabagger pigletts, but lets be honest - he has the integrity of same mentioned dead gnat, except at least the gnat has the decency to shut up once in a while.

America, let me ask you a question - do you REALLY want this country run by the No Nothing, Care Nothing Party led by O'Really and Glenny Beckandcall? 'Cuz if you do, then I suggest you all just take Alaska and that Moose Queen and play by yourselves. Because I can guarantee - you are in for a real fight.

Most REAL Americans want democracy - not Bluto-ocracy.

Toodles.

Tiger Woods Hits She-Rah Pail-In With Nine-Iron, O'Really Calls It "Conspirancy"

As usual, we can trust the news to tell us what is really important. So Tiger (come on, I mean, the name says it all, right?) has been doing a bang-up job playing the field. And a couple of scientists (not unlike MORE than a couple of politicians and pundits and clergy and rant-show hosts) fluffed the numbers and called some other scientists names. And why has Paris disappeared from view (Hint: bulimia)? And She-Rah assumed to tell the Prez what to do (like we care). And, and, well, way too much information about way unimportant things. Poor Cronkite must be rolling over in his grave.

So, America, take a breath. Stop and smell the scented candles. Give yourselves a day off. Pamper your puppies. And for cryin' out loud - turn off the damn noise boxes! After all, 'tis the season and all that jazz. Ya dig?

Consider this: THEY got terrorists - WE got terrorists. They got economic meltdowns - WE got economic meltdowns. See? Globalism actually works!

So lets take a step back and ask ourselves one little question: Why do we seem so obsessed with other people's personal issues? Is it because our own sad little lives are so, well, sad and little? Or because we think we are superior to those whose foibles get aired in public? Got some hard news for you. Go on, sit down. You, yes you, have your own purple warts, your own dire secrets, your own hidden agendas. And so do I. That's why I don't give a rat's ass who is sleeping with who, who is cheating on who, who gave at the orifice and who did not. I don't care who wants to get married, as long as its for love. Or free sex, whichever. If Tiger secretly wanted to be publicly flogged, he would have told us. You really think its going to make a difference in his golf game? Come on! Anyone who can swing a club like that will have more female fans than ever lining the greens on his next tournament, I guarantee it.

As for She-Rah? I hear she and Paris are double-teaming all the boys down on Capital Hill Tavern, live shows every Tuesday night. Getcher tickets now!

She Isn't Exactly Writing Her Way Out of a Paper Bag: What Ghost Do My Eyes Percieve?

She-Rah an author is not: the sad truth? She used a Ghost Writer (No, not Nick Cage! Jeeze!) Surprise! Oh, you say, but they ARE her ideas! Mmmm, yep, sure are! And, you say, she IS the New Voice of the Far Wrong. Mmmm, yep, sure is! Wonderful, ain't it? She-Rah will re-vitalize the floundering Conservative Movement, you say? Hell, yeah!

Like an enema.

Already the Far Wrong pundito-crats are spewing praise and rising to defend the Realm. CNN, through the True Red Coat Retreadican Maitlin, works up a real lather trying to equate She-Rah's publication with a political renaissance, only to spread more egg on the face of the Moose Queen. Mary, Mary, how contrary! You must know the term, faint praise? We KNOW she ain't no inteleckshual, but fer Cri-Yi, Mary, try to back a real winning moose, er, horse for a change, eh?

Look, babe, here's the sad facts: She's a quitter, she's a complainer, she sure as shoot's no campaigner, she's a loser, a real j'accuser, she's sure to disappoint when you explain her. She's all you want, nothing you need, everything everybody wants off their sleeve, She-Rah Pail-In, She-Rah Pail-In, lining up to lose the race a-gain! Don't protect her, you can't elect her, she's the Moose from Calaboose on the loose without a clue, she's the best thing to ever happen to the Dems!! (Sung to the tune of Mame, I think.)

What's the saying? Keep on flogging the horse after its dead. Won't get you to market any quicker.

Toodles.