Ricki-tiki-tavi, a Retelling

With apologies to Kipling, and to the rest of the world. 

Now, Nag and Nagina, two quite formidable snakes, thought they were in control of the Party. And they plotted to hold ransom the People of the Party, to better enable their Snakelings to run all the other Parties out of the Garden. They were aided in their plot by enlisting another, smaller Snake, Karait, in their Crusade to control the Party. They would rail loudly about how the Other Party was Poisoning the well of Ideals, and how the other Party was plotting to force all the Snakes to get rid of their Fangs. But the Snakes argued that to give up their Fangs would be to give up their very Freedom to bite, which everyone knew was a King Snake-given right!

Now, Nag and Nagina had one weakness - they couldn't stop nagging each other, and they never had anything positive to offer to the Other Parties in the Garden. And this nagging and negativism led many in their own Party to have Grave Misgivings about the ability of either Nag or Nagina to lead the Party and force the other Party to bow down or leave the Garden. And thus, the Party was loathe to extend their Vote to either Nag and Nagina. And as for Karait, well, he was such small potatoes that the Party laughed behind his back. But the Party was worried, because they had an Agenda, and they felt none of the Snake candidates had what it took to faithfully carry out the Crusade with the proper zeal and Purity of Purpose. And so they sulked, not happy with any kind of "Plan B" approach to the problem.

One day, during the campaign, when many were sorely vexed by this dilemma, a sudden blur of fur and Purity of Purpose appeared in the middle of the Garden. There before the assembled Party stood in all his ten-inch glory, a young-ish mongoose, who went by the name of Ricki-Ticki-Tavi. The Party went crazy for this young-ish Holy Terror, his fur glistening with Righteousness and Zeal by the bucket-load. Here, surely, was the Right Leader to lead the Party, vanquish the other Parties, and chase the Snakes from the Garden. They also really loved his furry vestments.

Everyone was so delighted by this turn of events that they failed to notice the Snakes come up behind Ricki-Tiki-Tavi, and pooling their quite formidable resources of money and fangs, leaped as one onto poor Ricki's back, and strangled him in front of the assembled Party. The Snakes then turned their terrible gaze upon the rest of the Party, and demanded they make a choice right now, or they would drag the battle into overtime. The Party, unable to decide, found it's entire premise of the Crusade being called into question, and come election day, the Party found itself constricted in it's choices, and many just stayed home and watched The Voice.

The morale of the story is simple: Hoping for a Snake to lead you will just leave you once bitten, and thrice shy. Or, as Bullwinkle might say it, Three Snakes in the grass are barely worth even one Bush.

Santorum Spanked, Rather Likes It

My religion requires I beat up on absolutely anyone who does not think the way I want them to. Oh, yours doesn't?

That he believes women need to keep their place is no surprise. But like his tax returns, he refuses to tell us where the "place" actually is. Bed? The kitchen? The boardroom? Pregnant with only Christian children? Well, three out of four ain't bad, but it still remains a mystery.

And we also no know that Darling Ricky doesn't take kindly to protesters - unless they are HIS protesters, which of course matter more than those OWS-types, because they drink tea, one supposes. It is of course his prerogative, being so godly and all, but one wonders whether the idea of trying to woo new voters, er, converts has crossed his mind. As a candidate, playing to one's base is fine at the beginning of the froo-fra, but he is so steadily ticking off the great mass of Independents that by the time (assuming he actually does) he gets the nom-nod, he'll be pretty well pickled in his own righteousness. Not good, folks, not good.

What I am enjoying so very much about all this back and forth Right Wing Dancing Bear and Hog Jowls Eating Contest is is the level of hubris rising to dizzying new heights. Nobody really measures up to the standards applied by the Righteous Right, and they just can't seem to flush Mr. (Sorry, no Ms., or Mrs. for this lot) Perfect Conservative out of the wood pile. So no matter which one of these Boy-Howdy's get "selected," the whole bunch is stuck with a third-rate choice they don't really trust, and don't really think can beat That Black Guy come November. It seems that by aiming their guns so high and so narrow, they thought that their savior might arrive on a beam of light, and a hearty Right-O, Silver! sadly, they are going to be bitter, and be forced to wear Ash croft, er, cloth, and Mormon shirts, and be hammered (and not in a good way) by a plague of newts. Their going to have to change the name of the party to GOTP - God's Old Testament Party. Though I suspect that party will run short of party favors faster than they'd like - somebody's going to do a lot of begatting, and most of the rest a lot of be-paying.

Well, at least it's solidly biblical, eh?

Welcome to the Sanatorum

This has to be the epitome of taking cover behind the fat boys. Let the ten pins get knocked over one after another, and just stay in the eleventh pin position, and all will come to those who wait. Or some such. First, knock over Perry, then knock over Cain, then Bachman, etc., etc., etc., and of course Gingrich, with Romney remaining the favorite also-ran, or better yet, Plan B. And then, one fine winter's day, you wake up to find:

Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright;

The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light,

And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout;

But there is no joy in Right Wing Heaven— mighty Santorum finally sticks out.

When the 2011-2012 Primary Deep Fry and Cherry Coke Jubilee finally closes shop, most likely sometime in 2015, all will wonder what the hell that was all about, anyway. Perhaps nothing more than a case of indigestion, or worse, a new form of Ebola virus masquerading as Real Politik.


How does the Far Wrong think it will con, er, convince Independents and "moderate Republicans" (read: Turncoats) they should be taken seriously, let alone represent a valid alternative to President Obama, when they keep playing Musical Clowns? Santorum now is having his Crowning Moment, just as all the others have, and all in the increasingly futile hope that they can pull off an "Anybody But Romney" hat trick. Who's next - The Other Mormon? Fat chance - Mormons apparently scare the Wrong Wing Evangelical Paper Hat Party worse than That Black Guy does. Who knew? At this point, the only thing they could hope for to take a win in 2012 is if Obama converts.


I do have to say one thing, Santorum is about as Milquetoast as you can get, which perhaps explains why he's gone this far. It is clear that the Far Wrong really seeks one thing above all others: a tabula rasa where they can implant their Radical Wrong Code Of Hamandrye, thus guaranteeing the final solution to the Constitution: replacing it with Scripture as written by Grover the Norquistical, He Who Must Be Obeyed.


After all - why pick a Mormon when you can settle for a Moron?