Creationism? You're Kidding, Right? No? Wow....

People who believe in such things tell us that God created US!! – all of us. Starting with the mythic Adam, and right up to everyone on the planet today. And most such people – those who believe in such things – also seem to believe this happened somewhat recently, as in, Adam and Eve palled around with the dinosaurs. But that’s not the issue; the issue is the whole creation thing.


Lets take it at face value for a moment, for the sake of argument, of which there has been plenty on this topic, already. And let’s not get too very Jesuit about this, either, because, well, those guys are, you know, “well educated” and stuff, and we don’t want too many of them poking their noses into our little exercise here, at least not just yet. Maybe later.


So, Adam, Eve, Cain, Abel. Small family unit, some contentious issues, leading to an early foreclosure and eviction, followed some time later by fratricide. First family, and already, dysfunction. Whatever. But they are also, following the existing storyline, the first “peoples”, as in the village, nation, planet – it’s just them, and the animals.

I think I’ve got that right.

First question – where does the second family come from? There is some vague story about the two tribes – Canaanites, and I suppose Abelites? But if Cain slays Abel, uh, how do the Abelites come into the picture? And even more interesting questions arise about Cain – who did he marry, in his years of self-torture and mark on the forehead (or was it foreskin? I’m confused,) if there was no second family? Or (and this goes against most civilized mores, I must warn you,) did Adam and Eve have more kids than has been told, and, if so, was there inter-marriage? You know, incest (shudder?) So you see, this seems a bit sticky to me. The myth doesn’t say whether God did or did not continue with the whole “build-a-better-man-and-woman thing. But it does seem to imply we all, yep, you, too, bucko, are descended from the apple-eaters.

So you see why I pose the question, right? You get your butts ejected from the time-share naturist leisure world, and then its all “wanna do it again” every darn night, for who knows how long. I mean, at some point, Eve’s gotta want to take a rest, wouldn’t you think? And the myth also seems to want us to believe they lived an awfully long time, what six-hundred years, give or take? I have to think those last fifty were a real pain. “Aw, for God’s sake, Adam, go tend the flock. I’ve got a freakin’ headache, back ache, toothache, at least in the two I’ve got left. And you, you putz. You don’t exactly spring into action the way you used to. And I’m the one’s always feeding the damn great, great, and not-so-great grandkids. So shut up and go to sleep, already.”

And of course, the kids are, well, engaging in inappropriate behavior, but we had to go forth and multiply over and over and over, until now, we desperately need to learn a little subtraction. It’s just basic math.

So this means, God either kept up the production line, or somebody needs to get child protective services on the line, like, yesterday!. OK, yeah, it’s a little late for that, I guess. But there’s another question – if God kept up the production line, didn’t any of them actually hold to the terms of the contract, vis-à-vis that “fruit of the tree” thing? If they did, why would they leave the time share? And if they didn’t, well, there goes that “no imperfections” thing, which is apparently one of the bigger selling points about the Big Guy, after all. Which may start to erode the whole tithing thing, over time. I’m just sayin’!

I mean, this myth has some serious holes in it. If we can’t make it past this basic issue, the story falls apart. Continuity here, people!

But I suppose there’s another possibility – there was more than one Big Guy. That is what most people believed, took as an article of faith, held up as certainty, taught the kiddies in catechism, etc., that there were gods in everything. So they’re all molding mud and dissecting ribs, and, sorry to say, setting behavioral parameters that these newly minted baby makers cannot stick to! This is a far-more believable story line, because, well, the math works

This, of course, flies in the face on the monotheistic crowd, hell, pretty well gets their holy panties in a bunch. They always tell you, “take it on faith.” What, like Nixon? Clinton? Bush, Jr.? Eh, I don’t think so. Didn’t “religious” people once tell their children they’d been brought home by a stork? Or found under a cabbage patch? See, once you get the first part of the story wrong, it’s pretty sticky to admit you may have got it completely wrong. And that just leads to more, er, confabulation (I’m trying to avoid the “L” word, here, just to be polite.) And eventually, that celibacy thing, and the kids, and, bbrrr, you end up in litigation, and charges, and all that unwanted scrutiny, and well, the myth starts to sag a bit.

Plus, you are pretty much stuck with trying to explain that whole “dinosaur” issue. You just know you’re going to get laughed right out of the room.