Monday, November 30, 2009

All Fall Down: Getting Back to One

Thomas Friedman of the NY Times, wrote an Op-Ed this past week that seems more on target about terrorism than most I've read. Which isn't saying much, as most such attempts seem biased in one direction or another without offering anything in the way of "take-away." Friedman offers a significant one, but then falls a bit short by not addressing the problem from the other side.

Yes, its pretty clear the radical Islamic world has a "Narrative," as Friedman calls it, but then so does the West, the US in particular. And our narrative started, I repeat, STARTED, with a lie of grand scale, regarding a people already in possession of the land our "Founders" wanted as their own. That particular Narrative, stirred to a frothy tipping point after 9-11, utterly fails to apply any self-examination as to how that collective Narrative has fueled the seething anger within Muslim peoples all over the planet.

Yes, the Arab governments in particular use their Narrative to keep their own people "in check," but it is equally our failing to make room within our own Narrative for inclusion of disparate ideas and peoples.

The history of the American Narrative is one of exclusion, hatred, demonizing the other, followed by specific group struggle, and eventual, albeit often too slow, inclusion, if not actual embracing of this identified "other." When Japan attacked the US at Pearl Harbor, the US, quite rightfully, cranked up this Narrative to full throttle. We imprisoned all Japanese American citizens, confiscated homes, businesses, and expected their own young men to enter the battle against their ancestral home, which most did without hesitation. Eventually, but again, far too slowly, the Narrative admitted its excesses and re-opened the door to that particular group of citizens.

Since WW II, the US has, largely through intrigue and the mighty power of the IMF, conducted an extension of the original "manifest destiny" notion through co-option and direct interference with governments all across the globe. We call this aspect of our Narrative, "foreign policy,"and "national interest," and feign outrage when these policies create "problems," that accrue blame and anger by the affected parties.

The US has made much noise in the past few decades about "globalism." Unfortunately, the West seems stuck on the idea that globalism only encompasses trade and the flow of capital, but really has nothing to do with such tedious topics as environmental issues, labor, human rights, and the like. Why are we so shocked and outraged at the reaction and anger coming from countries that have been marginalized, not only by their own governments, but by US and European foreign policy that deals with the leaders of those nations, but ignores the conditions those governments impose on their own people? While using money from the American taxpayer.

So, Mr. Friedman, while I applaud your effort, as needed as it is, if falls unfortunately short. When you ask Muslims to be honest with themselves, to question the Narrative being fed them daily and violently, I suggest you ask the same of the Western nations, to so examine their own Narratives, with blunt honesty, and perhaps, for once, not a little humility. After all, what is truly needed right now is a dialogue, between people who can mutually respect the other.

Anything less than that is merely a continuation of the Manifest Destiny Monologue. What else would you call the "exporting of democracy" when its done at the point of a gun? And when it continues to drain the Treasury and the blood of our own people?

Sunday, November 29, 2009

"New Moon" Reveals The Truth About Climate Change Hoax!!


In the new film, New Moon, a conversation secretly filmed between three werewolves was inadvertantly put into the final edit by "an anonymous source." In the part of the film where one werewolf tells the others its "noticing how we seem to be molting pretty much at the same rate as ten years back."  Another gives a dog-like laugh and replies, "Yeah, those so-called climate change guys are just trying to make us all believe we have to migrate South earlier if we hope to retain our luxurious pelts." This apparently brought on such a bout of wolf-giggles that the next cut to the un-changed werewolf's excessive abs seems, well, faked, somehow.

Joe Bob McGillicuddy, of the "Science Wants To Steal Our Soul" organization, who seek to debunk anything with a difficult explanation as "science swill," and "horse puckey even my Gramma woulda pee'd on," said his group has had its largest fund-raising day ever after these revelations came to the local Cineplex. "We know the truth when it bites us in the ass, and we intend to show the rest of the world what that looks like," he exclaimed. "And we hope to have She-Rah Pail-In down here soon to sell her book, and to make a speech about how they shoot werewolves from helicopters up there in Alaska, in between watching them Ruskies from her front stoop."

Officials from the American Academy of Sciences were reported to have sprayed milk out of their noses when they heard the initial reports from McGillicuddy's group broadcast on Al Jezzera. One scientist was seen scratching his butt and making monkey noises before rolling his eyes and going back to work. No official response has been made by the Academy.

Friday, November 27, 2009

Black Friday, Purple Saturday

Well, here we are, less than 24 hours past our consume-by date, and we are back in the spending saddle again. Yeeee-haaawwwww! Sales on the horizon, discounts at the Mall!! Hot damn!!!! Gotta get me one of them, two of those, ten more of these, and happily sell my soul to the VISA Demon. And why not? We'll all be dead by 2012, give or take a billing cycle, anyway.  And yet, I can't help feeling we've forgotten something...

Could it be frugality?  MMMMMMM, nah. Or possibly a "lesson" from the past few years of spending dangerously? [snicker} Riiiihgt. Mmm - no. Gee, I'm stumped.

See, if I only spend within "my means," whatever the hell that means in this Great American Consumer Society that is the Envy of all other Capitalistic "democracies," well, the whole damn house of cards might collapse,  and well, we can't have that now, can we? If I suddenly stop being controlled by my credit score, if I stop buying with my credit cards, if I start asking that seditious question, "do I  really need all this stuff," well, you just KNOW They are going to send out the Thought Police pronto. Oh, yes, shut that boy up!!!

Because lets face it, folks. This whole shebang hinges almost exclusively on everyone's continuing to buy the Lie, that we are only as good as our last purchase, that our lives are empty and meaningless without more stuff. Jobs will be lost, banks will fail, billionaires will cry, and well,  we just can't have that.

There is this belief we have perpetuated in this country, and of course made every kind of effort to foist upon the rest of the world, that growth is everything. GDP is a measure of growth, not sustainability. Consumer Confidence is measured by how much consumers are spending compared to some point in the past, i. e., growth vs. stasis or retrenchment. And yet, growth without sustainability is an excellent description of..... wait for it....cancer. We are arguing about Global Climate Change without daring to talk about the actual driver of the phenomenon itself - population growth, which has become a cancer to the planet's future. How can we expect to actually address a problem we can't bear to talk about in the first place? Because to talk about the population question, just as talking about the religious belief in growth as the raison' d'etre of our economic existence, is to violate so many beliefs in so many quarters we risk shutting out most of the world.

Essentially, because we fear beliefs tightly ensconced in superstition and fundamentalist certainty, we would rather allow our  economy, and by what should be a clear extension, the very health and viability of the planet to run headlong off the cliff, taking us all with it.

Well, that sure will solve the population problem, won't it?

Truth is, folks, we have no chance in hell of "growing" ourselves out of this problem.We are going to have to do the one thing the human race has never done before: We are going to have to choose between our beliefs, and the facts. And what are the odds we will actually make the right choice?

Well, I ain't holding my breath, ya dig?

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

First in a Series: Hypocrisy and Lunacy Go Hand-In-Hand

A little story bounced on the radar this morning that really rocked me back on my heels a bit. Michael Brewer, the 15 year old boy set on fire by five classmates over a video game and an alleged stolen bike is recovering slowly, and quite painfully, while the assailants are being charged as adults for this horrific crime. One of the assailants apparently was upset when Brewer did not pay him $40.00 for the video game as promptly as he expected, and in retaliation, stole Brewer's father's $500 bike. When Brewer told the police who had stolen the bike, the thief apparently thought he was justified, after being released from a juvenile facility, in "getting his revenge." The thief, Denver Jarvis, got several friends together and went after Brewer. They caught him at an apartment complex, doused him with rubbing alcohol, and set him on fire. He suffered 2nd and 3rd degree burns over 60% of his body.

Now, you are probably asking yourself how in the hell I could even BEGIN to associate this horrific act with the insanity of the Far Wrong. And well you should ask.

The Shift, as I call it, seemed to start way back in the 90's, but really took off after September 11, 2001. The polarization between the Far Religious Wrong and the rest of the nation just seemed to zoom off the radar. Family planning clinic bombings, murders of abortion providers, insane Internet conspiracy theories alluding to Government involvement of the downing of the WTC, even the training and funding of the terrorists, these and even worse insanity began to creep over the edge of the dark side of the American psyche. And then came Barrack Obama.

Suddenly, the truly insane and dangerous wing of the wingnutty Far Wrong went into a rabid frenzy. And when their gal (yes, they were NOT voting FOR McCain, they were voting FOR She-Rah Pail-In. You can bet your life on that.) lost to an, ahem, "man of color," well, things went bat-shit crazy.

Suddenly, we got truthers, we got birthers, we got whack jobs galore. The level of hate spewing forth from television and radio and Internet blogs and "news" sites went certifiably apocalyptic. Some of the stuff said about our legally elected president (unlike the last joker,) is beyond seditious, and makes me wonder how long it will be before the Secret Service takes some action. The Hate Jocks have been yelling fire in the theater, and no one is getting too concerned. The "mainstream" press is asleep, the so-called Democratic Party is a mass of wuss, and everyone can't wait for the next apocalyptic blockbuster.

Whew. Is that enough, or should I go on?

So it is both no surprise, and at the same time, a confirmation of the hypocrisy of the Far "Fake religious" Wrong, whose so-called "life" platform is so full of hate and death it simply has no moral foundation. It therefore comes as no surprise that children, CHILDREN, for the sake of all that matters, have gotten the message that the rule is no longer "do unto others as you would have them do unto you," but rather is, "do unto others whatever it takes to show them who runs the show." This is the heart and (shudder) soul of the message the Far Wrong is intent on delivering to the country they believe they have the right to RULE while simultaneously bitching and moaning about "Islamic Fundamentalism," and "those damn illegal aliens." What they really mean is, "Our religious intolerance is Righteous in the eyes of the Lord, and all you other heathens are going to Hell." Wow. Sure sounds like bin Laden clones to me.

Oh, sorry. Am I being to harsh here? No, I think not. Children shooting, burning, raping other children? Too harsh? Adults proclaiming their patriotic credentials who have NO CLUE what the US Constitution actually says or means spewing hate and racism and claiming God is on their side? Too harsh?  Too angry? Not funny enough?

Not by the longest shot you can even begin to imagine.

Hell, I'm just getting started.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Fat Drained From the Head of Bill O'Realy; Phish Tacos Blamed; She-Rah's Unexpectedly Newish Face Raises Alarms

Ya don't always get days as good as this one, when all the news manure seems to be especially odoriferous, yet utterly enervating at the same time. She-Rah Pail-In's aide returns Her Moose's dish; Repugnacants snubbed by Obama, who in turn blame the Prez for not being "bi-partisan;" (unlike the Retreads, whose bi- credentials are impeccable, especially in rest stop restrooms) consumer confidence up, FDIC down; Adam Lambert goes down for the count (ahem), but doesn't really go all the way; and so on, and so on. Oh, where to start?

How 'bout them fat suckers down in Peru? If they came up to the good old US of A, they could open clinics in every Amurican city, and put Jenny Craig out of business in a month. They might even be able to get some of that excess pork out of Washington, what say? And think of what they could do for the images of the Far Wrong punditry - Bill O'Really would finally fit into his suits and get rid of that too-obvious anal probe, Rash Limburger would be able to see his toes, for the first time in a generation, and Michelle O'Bach-Bach-Bachman would finally be rid of that terrible overhanging upper lip that causes her to sound like a broken chicken. Talk about a telegenic upgrade! But it would never work - the folks who brought this new technology to the market would be illegals here. But we COULD buy all the Punditocrats a one-way ticket to the Andes! Wouldn't that be generous of us?

What a way to show our thanks, in this season of taking!

Monday, November 23, 2009

A Moment of Calm, Followed by Shear Madness

I noticed today I may need a haircut: I'm getting that Lincecum look, and I don't really need a bong bust now that I'm a star. Of what, you ask? (OK, so you didn't actually ask. But you did THINK it, right? Right? Aw, fugedaboutit.) But my usual day for being shorn is on Thursdays, so I'm a bit SOL this week. And I really don't want to get any hair in the gravy, ya dig? So I thought I would go look for some kind of fashionable hair net, and well, you can guess how THAT turned out. Instead, I decided to wear a skull cap, 'cuz there won't be any Jews or Muslims there, and I figured I'd be able to represent all those out there with so little to be thankful for. But without appearing to be selling any particular brand, especially that Beck brand. You know, the one that always cry's and wets itself whenever someone says "Obama is the President?"

But I do intend to have a bird this year - sorry all you vegans out there, I just couldn't get anyone your size into the oven, so I'm gonna make do with squab. And perhaps a little limbaugher gravy, in case I'm feelin' flu-ish. Usually wipes out most transient life forms on contact, or so I've heard.

And wouldn't ya know it - Aunt Ginny is comin' to the feast this year. We missed her last year when she had to do her fifth turn of service in Afghanistan. So to get a chance to have at least three-fifths of her here is a real blessing. We even promised her the drumstick. Gotta keep her morale up, in case they pull her in for a number six.

And what am I thankful for this year? That I am not David Bohner, or Glenny Beck, or one of those Tea Haggers, Far Wrongers, or Logic Dodgers. That I didn't say anything bad about Diane Feinstein, despite the strong urges. That I have such a dear, dear friendship with so many really great people who actually read the Constitution, and even understand and adhere to its principals. That unlike so many in law enforcement, I didn't feel the need to stomp on the little people, especially aboard mass transit vehicles.

And that I have you, dear reader, to thank for nothing in particular, just to thank, you know, for reading this endless drivel. Without throwing old socks. Or something worse.

Bless you, and toodles.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Failure to Appear

Yeah, got me a jury summons yesterday. Can't say I didn't see it coming. I did vote, and I did get a drivers license, so with those two Constitutionally protected rights come pay-up time. Thing is, every time I "get the call," they simply won't let me sit on a jury! It may have something to do with my day job (which I can't mention here because if I did I'd have to kill me for letting the cats out of the bag - oops, I mean, the dog out of the, oh, forget it.) Anyway, whenever they ask that all-important question as to what one does for a living, well, both sides excuse me faster than a spam sandwich in Hawaii. Which brings me to today's topic - terrorist trials in Nueva York.

All the spooky scary silly arguments about why holding terrorists to answer for their crimes as near the scene of their crimes as possible has apparently set a great number of Far Wrongers to gnashing their teath parties and swizzling their schticks, with hyperbole like "this will make New York a terrorist target." MMMM, yeah. And, "this will just give them terrorists a propaganda platform," and other such insanity. Oh, and I love this one - "what if the jury acquits them, finds them innocent?" OK. Calm down.I know, you want to give these bozitos a swift slap aside the skull, I understand the temptation. But get a grip, brothers and sisters! Remember that "hoisted on their own petards" thingy? (What exactly is a petard, anyway?)

First, since when has New York NOT been a target? Come on, all you Rush babies out there, surely you can't be that frightened of the very people you keep bragging about how YOU are gonna kick THEIR asses? Whasamattau? Grow some spine, dammit! New York has always been a target - look what Andy Warhol accomplished, for Cri-Yi. You afraid a coupla pissant terrorists gonna blow up the courthouse, as though THAT would make a better point about what we the People really think about them, the not-people?

And "propaganda platform? "Hellloooo! Can you say Internet? Can you say "suicide bomber blows up Hell" at Eleven? Really? They really NEED another platform? I think not. Another life? Sure, but platform? Unless they mean shoes, I'd say "nah!"

And don't you just LOVE the "jury might acquit them?" In freakin' New-effin-York? Man, do I have a bridge to sell you! There isn't a jury in the entire COUNTRY who would vote for acquittal, even if these guys were only charged with selling souvenir photos of Abu Graib. Oh, but then some of you want it both ways, don't you? You fear an "acquittal," by an American jury, but then get all "ooohhh" patriotic and civil liberties with, "oh, so you mean its all nudge, nudge, wink, wink, a show trial, is that what you mean?You mean the game is (horrors!) mock justice?" Oh get over yourself, you pathetic worms! You are Repugna-cants, dammit! You do show trials nearly every day!! And even then, claim mock horror when accused of it yourselves! So get off you low horse!

Lets call all this whining what it really is, shall we? It's really "we got our butts handed to us in the last election, and by a black man at that, so we are going to do and say everything we can to piss on your parade, and make everyone think its your piss." That about it? 'Cuz I think you Far Wrong losers, with all your harping about She-Rah Pail-In and CareyIdidn'tmakethosevideosyoujustwanttodestroymePrejean being your role models for remaking the Repugnant Party, have developed a "thing" about backing losers, while revealing your narcissistic need to make the entire Nation a loser until we play nice and give you back the country you think you have a right to "rule."   EEEEyyyyyyeeeeaaaaahhhhh,  no. Not gonna happen, certainly not that easy.

Its not only the right thing to do, to try these assholes in New York as criminals, it also the (here it comes, kiddys) the Constitutional thing to do. And when you good citizens of Nueva York get those jury summonses, here's a little suggestion. Line Up Early. Don't Be Late. Pretend its a pre-Thanksgiving sale at Macy's, and there is only one dress left in the high-end department at 50% off. You KNOW you wanna be the first one in the door. And you KNOW how to be a REAL NEW YORKER. And you KNOW, you REALLY KNOW, you ain't takin' NO for an answer.

Yes, your Honor, I have NO REASON to NOT serve on this jury. Yes, your Honor, whatever you say, your Honor. Fair and impartial? Whatever you say, your Honor. When do we start?

And sorry, Far Wrongers.You ain't gettin' picked for THIS jury. No cowards allowed. This is freakin' NEW-EFFIN-YORK, and we aim to DO JUSTICE!!!!

Thursday, November 19, 2009

She Isn't Exactly Writing Her Way Out of a Paper Bag: What Ghost Do My Eyes Percieve?

She-Rah an author is not: the sad truth? She used a Ghost Writer (No, not Nick Cage! Jeeze!) Surprise! Oh, you say, but they ARE her ideas! Mmmm, yep, sure are! And, you say, she IS the New Voice of the Far Wrong. Mmmm, yep, sure is! Wonderful, ain't it? She-Rah will re-vitalize the floundering Conservative Movement, you say? Hell, yeah!

Like an enema.

Already the Far Wrong pundito-crats are spewing praise and rising to defend the Realm. CNN, through the True Red Coat Retreadican Maitlin, works up a real lather trying to equate She-Rah's publication with a political renaissance, only to spread more egg on the face of the Moose Queen. Mary, Mary, how contrary! You must know the term, faint praise? We KNOW she ain't no inteleckshual, but fer Cri-Yi, Mary, try to back a real winning moose, er, horse for a change, eh?

Look, babe, here's the sad facts: She's a quitter, she's a complainer, she sure as shoot's no campaigner, she's a loser, a real j'accuser, she's sure to disappoint when you explain her. She's all you want, nothing you need, everything everybody wants off their sleeve, She-Rah Pail-In, She-Rah Pail-In, lining up to lose the race a-gain! Don't protect her, you can't elect her, she's the Moose from Calaboose on the loose without a clue, she's the best thing to ever happen to the Dems!! (Sung to the tune of Mame, I think.)

What's the saying? Keep on flogging the horse after its dead. Won't get you to market any quicker.


Wednesday, November 18, 2009

I Don't Make This S**t Up. Nope.

Female Sexual Dysfunction: Myth or Malady?

I'll take M'lady for $1000, Alex.

Mammography: What to Do Now?

Nothing, really. They tend to puff back out on their own.

Heart Disease Found in Mummies

What about duddies, eh? Nobody wants to talk about them. Duddie discrimination, I tells ya!

People's Sexiest Man Alive '09 is surprise pick

2010 pick, however, is a foregone conclusion.

Byrd becomes longest-serving Congress member

Cookie Monster plans run against the yellow tweet. Says his member is longer-serving, and tastier, too.

Palin: My Father Raised a 'Tough Hunting Buddy'

"I know first-hand what its like to be field dressed," she said.

Maersk Alabama Evades Second Pirate Attack

Changes topic to second pirate wedding.

A Dental Shift: Implants Instead of Bridges 

Plus, they're easier to bite than an iron truss.

5 Reasons Why Google Should Not Sell Handsets 

Well, duh! Who has 5 hands?!

Heh, heh.









Tuesday, November 17, 2009

The Unpatriotic Rich

So here we are, in the midst of the Great Deception, with millions out of jobs, out of money, out of their homes, and there they are, the Far Wrong Retreads shrieking about the "worst thing to ever happen to this country" in the form of a public option for health care. (What? Worse thing ever? Wow. Pushed World Wars 1 and 2, Great Depression, San Francisco earthquake, Chicago fire, and, oh yeah, 9-11, right out of the Top Ten. Right. How Effin dumb do they think we are?) And over there we have those bankers and financial firm executed sluts, er, suits, who took billions in "bail" out money, and then jacked up the interest rates and penalty rates, and whatever the hell rates on you and me and Bobby McGee, and they, too, are screaming royal bloody s**t about having to "reign in their excesses," and "taking away the free market," and all other sorts of crapola, and, well, what the hell are we gonna do about these filthy, thievin', whack jobs making the rest of us permanent paupers? It that what you are pickin' up on your receiver, ducky? Thought so.

So along comes the IRS, just doin' their jobs, tryin' to find the deadbeat cheatin' slime balls being a real drag on the economic engine that is modern Amuricah, and even more gnashing of the teeth ensues. The Furtive Rich is all P.O'd about their secret Swiss bank accounts being "open to public view," or at least getting those nice little greeting cards from the IRS. Tough love hurts, its true.

But here's what is really rubbin' my inner thighs raw. Most of these thievin' rich SOB's are, yep, Retreads. Far Wrongers with a penchant for Swiss cheese. Who howl the loudest about all things Amurican. Who proclaim themselves as more patriotic than those pesky liberals, union members, abortion providers, and John Stewart. And who, for some slimy, slick, slithery, sick, greedy, elitest reason, think they are exempt from carrying their fair share of the load for this country.

Truth? These F**k-wads are the most unpatriotic jerks around. That includes those talk-show vomit mouths who daily excoriate all and sundry who haven't slipped as far over the edge of vitriol and insanity as they have. Lets get something straight here, fellow citizens - patriotism has everything to do with pitching in when the country is in trouble, and nothing at all to do with the prevalent Far Wrong ideology of "do what we say, and ignore what we do. Especially when we're fleecing you chumps blind."

During the Great War, Numero Duo, the Nation called upon ALL its citizens to pitch in, to work on the home-front as hard as the troops were fighting on the war front lines. And pretty much most of us did just that. Except for the War profiteers. Except then, when we were in some of our darkest hours, our Guvmint ACTUALLY WENT AFTER THESE BASTARD GREED-MONGERS AND PROSECUTED THEM, even seizing their ill-gotten gains in many instances. So now the IRS comes along, doing the work we, the People hired them to do, and who screams the loudest? The very same ilk, using some of these ill-gotten billions to lie, cheat, and steal, to brainwash the forgotten class into thinking this is a threat to THEIR lives, when nothing could be further from the truth.

I can't help but think of those words, uttered not that long ago, aimed at McCarthy and his minions: "Have you no shame? After all this, have you no sense of shame?"

Only when they get caught.

Sessions Tired of Going Rouge, Decides on Mascarra, Instead

Jeff Sessions, Retreadican Senator, today stated he will do everything he can to prevent Obama's latest judicial nomminnimminnee from getting a book deal before he does. He held a press conference beneath the Dome of Lieberman to announce the imminent publication of his own memoir, "If I Didn't Think of It, Its Wrong: A Story of One Man's Search For The Perfect Rant." "I could talk all day, even for weeks at a stretch, on this particular topic," he said to the three reporters who attended the hastily called conference in the Senate Chamber Pots. "If I didn't think the American People didn't want to hear what Obama or the Democrats want to say, I wouldn't not say what I've been saying all along. Which is, I'm saying what the American People have wanted me to say all along. To say nothing of the depths to which they will not sink trying to keep me from saying all the wonderful things I think they ought to hear."

He apparently went on in this fashion for some time, then invited questions from the one remaining reporter, from Foxy News. There is no report on what was asked, as that reporter reportedly failed to report in at the end of the news day, except for a cryptic message left on the station managers voice mail, something about water-boarding, and self-administering, and the faint sound of a strangled cat.

Sessions, later spotted racing across the Mall, was heard shouting to no one in particular, "I said something to somebody who needed it said," or something like that.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Repubs to America: Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid!!

Ya gotta love these folks, the Far and Seriously Twisted Wrong. Just when you think their propensity for hysteria is leveling off, WHAM, their off their meds again! This latest twisted sister act is out of the State of Lincoln, that Mid-American bellwether, Illinois. It seems the idea of housing terrorist suspects in an Illinois State Prison has generated a battle between Dems, who see the great jobs potential for their beleaguered state, against Retreads who, for some absolutely insane reason, fear this will make their state a "terrorist target." (What, the rest of the country doesn't count? Aren't we all equal opportunity targets? Hell, Illinois wasn't even in the running on the first ten rounds of draft picks. Seriously, dudes!) ) In other words, they are pretty much abject cowards.

Plus, lets face it, folks, they have zero trust in the Constitution and the rule of law. They really can't trust that the American Judicial System is capable of rendering justice. Yet, most strangely indeed, these same oafs took an oath to "defend and protect the Constitution of the United States of America." Hmm. I'd have to say, if these bozitos ain't up to the task, they really oughta step down. Because sowing fear, and a rather NIMBY fear at that, seems to be all the Far Wrong is capable of these days.

Which means (correct me if I'm seriously off track here,) the terrorists have actually beaten the Retreadican Party and it's less-than-valiant stalwarts. (See, terrorist win when they make people so fearful they actually abdicate their own self-proclaimed values. Which this clearly smells like to me. Hell, if I was al Quaeda, I'd be throwing my next bachelor party dead smack in the middle of Illinois. 'Cuz ya know, its Target Rich(T))Maybe they are going so bonkers over this because they just can't admit they rolled over like a dead armadillo, or possum, perhaps. Flat and baking, at least.

Or maybe they just prefer dubious torture centers located in other countries. Who knows. What I do know is Khalid Sheik Mohammed, after this whole thing is finally over, ain't exactly goin' to Disneyland, if ya get my drift.

Perhaps a nice deep-dish pizza?

They ain't just growin' corn out there, ya know.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

She-Rah Pail-Ihn Goes On Blind Date; Oh-Praaaahhh Makes Time For Moose and Squirrel

Where the F**K is my coffee?

She-Rah Pail-Ihn was seen recently walking down Fifth Avenue arm-in-arm with that charismatic stud, Boris Badenough, pictured above after a long, exhausting photo shoot for Rice Krispies Chocolate Snorts, due to hit the markets right after Thanksgiving. She-Rah, sporting new cat's eyes contacts and wearing bright red f**k-me pumps with ten inch heels, set the street ablaze with rumor and innuendo, most of which has turned out to be ambiguously unclear. Meanwhile, Oh-Praaaahhh released a press release designed to release the news hounds, to the effect that she was ready to "release the hounds of war" in an effort to get She-Rah to appear with her bookclub and book shield. "Whatever it takes," Oh-Praaahh stated, "Even if I have to grovel at She-Rah's feet and renounce every liberal act I've ever engaged in. She's mine," she hissed, just before her handlers hosed her down and put the restraints back on.

In other news, Margaret Thatcher gave birth to quintuplets yesterday, all of whom have declared a new war on the Falkland Island, just for spite.

More news at 11.

Friday, November 13, 2009

It May Not Be Steven King Material, but It Is Carrie!

Carrie Prejean, we thought we hardly knew ye. You, sad, maligned, sex-tape making sweetheart, how dare everyone out there be so mean and malicious to you, who only said what she believed, then wrote a book to complain about it. Then went on Larry (Weird Al) King to complain about it again, and well, so on, and so on. Then word of a (solo act) sex tape surfaces, and Carrie has a new reason to complain that they are just persecuting her for her beliefs. OK, maybe.

Ahhhhh, no. Today we learn there was not one, was not two, was not three (ahem. get on with it) but EIGHT sex tapes in all. Only to be for personal "use" nudge, nudge, wink, wink. And stills, dozens! She actually had to HOLD STILL!!! Well, she was just trying to get noticed in a cutthroat business (nude modeling) to advance her potential (porn) movie career, someday, maybe, sort of. Oh, well.

And all those Far Wrongers who came (ahem) to her defense? Just were signing up for autographed copies, one supposes? Will they ever be able to get another pure and unsullied cover girl? Will Bill O'really ever grow a conscience? Will Pat Robertson ask to trade tapes? Will Church and State finally share a conjugal bed? Stay tuned!

There goes her certificate of virginity. Now who will the Far Wrong religulous turn to in their time of need? Just wait for the DVD.


Wednesday, November 11, 2009

2012 - The Movie, and The Reality, and The Far Wrong, and, oh, Give It Up, Already!

What is it with some humans always hoping for the end of the species? And most of them are, of course, religulous types, who, on the other hand, preach that "all life is sacred." Havin' a problem with this clear contradiction, I am. The notion of "end times" goes way, way, way back, Sherman, and nearly always from some religulous nut job who has "heard the word" from the center of their own soggy brain. Which they then go on to enlist other soggy brains to "join the cause," who in turn, yada, yada, yada.

So now we get The Movie about the latest variety of soggy thinking. Purportedly based on the "Ancient Mayan Calender," (that none of the current crop of belief-a-holics even have a clue about,) this Hairy-Wood blockbuster is a real bust, perhaps rooted in the belief that, well, Hairy-Wood has been SO successful at scarin' the bejezzus out of people for so long that, why not, lets go for the REALLY BIG SHOW. Let's DESTROY THE WORLD!!! What fun.

So, kiddys, its time for the Propensities of Notumbus to lead you out of the wilderness of soggy brain-dom. Lets start with the notion these latest end-o-time fruitcakes are trying to pass off as fact - that there is this other planet, see, Earth's twin, see, that we cannot yet see, see, because its, well, on the other side of the sun, see, in perfect synch with Earth's own orbit around the sun, see? See? Si!? No?

OK. Try this. This so-called planet, that there is simply zero scientific evidence as to its actual existence, is called, get ready, Nemesis. Wow. That really makes this mythical planet's entire purpose crystal clear, so, hey! It must be true!!! MMMMM, no. See, there is this branch of science called orbital mechanics, see? It has made it possible to, oh, do little things like put humans on the moon. Oh. I see. Some of you soggys think that was a hoax? Right. And we should believe YOU about this "invisible planet?"

Try again, I will. If said Nemesis actually was where the soggys would have us believe, then all the calculations for the orbits of ALL the other planets would be, oh, I don't know, wrong? Is that the word I should use here? And of course all of several thousands of years of observed celestial and solar phenomenon would be comparable to moldy applesauce. Is that it?

Oh, Oh, wait, here's the really good part - this mythical Nemesis will, for no good or logical reason, decide its TIME TO LEAVE ITS ORBIT AROUND THE SUN, AND SNEAK OVER TO OUR SIDE AND, WHAT THE HELL, PLOW RIGHT INTO EARTH!!! Gee, was that too loud? Sorry. Just trying to match tone, ya know.

Puh-leeze. What has gotten so many people to stop believing in basic sciences, and commit intellectual Hari-Kiri by embracing something that doesn't even rise to the name, "pseudo-science?" Claptrap, yes. Ten bricks short of a load, yes, but logic? Reason? FACT? Uh, no. No, no, no, no, no. The Far Wrong, no, the Outer Limits of the Far Wrong have somehow succeeded in brainwashing soggy brains into being even more soggy. Damn, their GOOD at this stuff, eh? They even have some people believing that, hey, so what IF global warming IS true? We won't be around to be bothered with it, so, let's party like its 1599, dammit!

What? The movie? Oh, yeah. It's big, it's scary, it has Big Hairy-Wood Stars, and has cool special effects, like mass stupidity, but otherwise, I'd wait for the DVD. My prediction? Guaranteed to induce mass sogginess in already susceptible humans. And make a wad o' cash for somebody.

P. T. Barnum would have a field day.

See ya on the other side!

Monday, November 9, 2009

Hope Grows for Lieberman's Eventual Recovery, But Wife "Dubious"

With the amazing news out of Wake Forest University today, Senator Joe Lieberman is said to have "jumped for joy."  Jubilant at a hastily called press conference, Lieberman said, "So you see, I'm no longer consigned to being a dickless wonder." Pretty much both sides of the aisle, upon hearing this, broke into an extended coughing fit.

Lieberman's wife was heard saying in the background, "fat chance." And, "He wanted to be an Independent, so now he gets excited about rabbit penises. My mother was right about him, after all." Confronted over her statement later, she said, "Hell yes, I knew the mike was on. What kind of a putz do you take me for?"

20 Year-Old Berlin Wall To Be Rebuilt In the United States. Details at 11!

It about time we all admit that the Fall of Communism initiated a headlong rush to that new American phenomenon, the Tea Bagger. The Far Wrong has decided to make the separation of Them from Us permanent with a New Wall built along a line approximating the old Mason-Dixon Line, with Idaho thrown in as a gimee. The announcement caught most pundits off guard, but provoked an immediate sigh of relief from partisans on all three sides. Checkpoint Limbaugh will be located along the Arkansas/Missouri border, while Checkpoint Beck will be somewhere off the Carolina Coasts. You can find it by following the Trail of Crocodile Tears.

All in all, a good day for Amuricans, and a good day for the rest of us, too.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Giant Jellyfish Sinks The Republicant Party!

Reports from the Sea of the Potomac today say a giant jellyfish caused the Republicant Platform, upon which stood all the party stalwarts, to lean so far to the right it essentially collapsed, pinning thousands of more moderate Republicants under its vast, overbearing weight. A virtual river of slime, thought to be a mixture of jellyfish drool and Far Wrong Republicant drivel, drowned thousands more. Emergency workers are afraid to go to close to the raging inferno that erupted shortly after the collapse, fueled, it is now thought, by an explosive limbaugh grenade lobbed at the jellyfish, though too late to do any good.

Knowledgeable parties say the best thing to do is let it burn itself out. The Fund for Animals has immediately launched an investigation into the incident, stating "it looks as though the Republicants lured the jellyfish to the Platform with the intention of sicing it on Nancy Pelosi. Early evidence suggests the jellyfish was actually an Independent, who was duped into thinking there would be anchovies at the after-party." Surviving Republicant low-level functionaries had no comment. David Bohner was one of the fallen.

The President declared an emergency, but then realized the rain would take care of the mess, and sent the National Guard home. He did, however, declare a national day of drinking.

And Now For The Lunacy Landscape

A true tragedy yesterday, down in Fort Hood. This long and weary war has driven many mad, killed and wounded far too many, and along with the Far Wrong insanity, served to divide this country in ways it has not seen since the Civil (or, as I prefer to call it, Un-Civil) War. And the real nut jobs are just getting started.

Yes, the shooter was a Muslim. But Timothy McVeigh was a Christian. Did we hear of hate emails, death threats and other forms of sick insanity toward Christian places of worship, or self-identified Christians after that evil piece of work? Hell, no. But this morning, less than 24 hours after this latest ode to the intelligence of the NRA, there have been hundreds of threats against mosques and Muslims all across the country.

Was this a "terrorist plot?" According to the latest reports, in a word, no. It was the work of a lone gunman, once again. It was the work of an individual who had seen and treated hundreds of returning vets from Iraq and Afghanistan, who had seen and tried to deal with their severe post-traumatic stress disorder (a rather sterile euphemism for shell shock.) And he now faced deployment to the very place that he knew first-hand had damaged so many fellow soldiers. And he snapped.

I am willing to bet most, if not all, the death threats oozing out of the Far Mad Wrong, tea-bagging cesspool are from people who never served their country, who have no idea, nor any desire otherwise, to know what the Constitution and the Bill of Rights actually say. These revenge-fantasy sickos have watched way too much fake wrestling, slasher movies, and snuff films to be considered actual contributors to the Nation's health and well being. Rather, they are simply nasty little creeps who serve as inertial drag on the forward momentum of this country.

And they are also the same people who are railing, for some unfathomable reason, against the creation of a health care system that actually delivers health care to the people rather than profits to the greedy. Talk about being conned into believing those insurance company's have only their own best interests in mind, when they deny health coverage to people who actually need it, consider domestic violence injuries to be a preexisting condition, and cut off cancer victims in the middle of their treatment. Why and the hell are these sickos (read - tea gaggers) voting against their own self interests? Because the Rabid Wrong is scaring them to death with big, bad nasty words like "socialism."  Thus the mindless mob.

I'm sorry, was that too harsh? Well, its not half as harsh as the absolutely vile shitstorm issuing from the mouths of the Rush-wannabes, the David Boniers, the She-Ra Palin Riders, and all the little Hitler clones running around pretending their ideas and drivel are patriotic. Perhaps for the "Old South", but not for the America I have seen emerging of late.

So to all you real Americans, all you people who actually understand and stand by the Constitution and the Bill of Rights, I ask you to not give this country up to the tiny minded bozitos who are shouting so loud, but saying nothing of real value.

Its time for a little tough love.


Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Retreads Win Big, Landslide Sweeps Across the Nation, Rush "Jubilant", Say What?

Right. Landslide. A referendum on Obama. Yeeeaaaah, riiiiggghhhttt. Let's see - 2 Govs, 1 Lt. Gov., 1 DA, haters win Maine, and Far Wronger loses in NY. That about it?

I'm going back to sleep.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

More Fun for the Educationally Impaired

Is Warren Buffett calling a bottom?

Yeah, at his level up there in the stratosphere, its hard to find a good bottom right next door.

Obama will fix H1N1 vaccine shortage: White House

Man, what CAN'T that guy do?!!

E. Coli Kills 2 and Sickens Many; Focus Is on Beef 

See, I TOLD you they'd have their revenge!

Swine flu scare tightens borders around Ukraine

Other book stores in the area close in solidarity.

100 Things Restaurant Staffers Should Never Do (Part 1)

Number 1: Never read articles with titles like this.

Number 2: Leave your fly open.

Madoff Accountant Pleads Guilty To Fraud 

No, really, I just thought they were bets on Fantasy Football.

Republicans boycott Senate panel debate on climate change bill

Go to beach instead.

I don't make 'em up, I just make 'em make better sense. 

The End Is Near: Representative Government Dies an Ignonymous Death, No One Mourns

Hows this for revealing who is actually behind the curtain at the Emerald Palace that is the Far Wrong Party of God and Vitriol? In that nasty little congressional race in New York, staring a Dem, a Rebub moderate, and a frothing at the mouth Far Wronger, this from the venerable WSJ:

"Mr. Hoffman's campaign said he wouldn't vote until evening because expected bad weather changed his plans. The conservative doesn't live in the district and so can't vote for himself."

He doesn't live in the district. That he wants to represent. Uh, hmm, er, what? Tell me there's a law about that. Please. Because I don't know about you, but I sure as hell do NOT want representation by commuter, I don't care HOW fast his chauffeur drives. If the 23rd Congressional District of New York actually sends this usurper to office, they really need to reconsider their allegiance to the United States of America, and to the very Constitution that is the basis upon which IT stands.

Let me run that by you again. He, Doug Hoffman, and his rabid, red meat Far Wrong screamers, went on the attack against a FELLOW Retreadican, because she had a few different stands on a few issues. He, Doug Hoffman, doesn't even live, reside, occupy, enjoy the environs therein, of the very district he hopes to represent. And FIX News is crowing about taking back the country for the Real Amuricans?


I really need a long shower. And maybe some time in the Old Soviet Union, where such things were mere routine.

Hey, maybe these are the end times. At least for the form of government we used to have.

C'mere, Fido. I really need a hug.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Free Enterprise, or, Robbing the Poor to Pay The Rich

I've been trying to grapple with the situation as it appears to have played out, but I admit I'm still a bit confused. We, the People, with our  and our grand-children's money, bailed out failing banks and financial institutions because we had to "save the economy." Then, those institutions we bailed out went and gave a lot of that money to their "top performers" as bonuses and goody bags. (By the way, if they were such "top performers," why did ya'll get into such deep doo in the first place? Ya''ll should actually be required to fire all them thievin rat bastards. I digress,)  Is that about right? Was there another step in there I missed? Because for the life of me, I cannot figure out why, if the Guvmint really wanted to "save the economy," it pretty much forgot all about those smaller institutions, namely, us. The credit card thieves, er, companies, are raising rates to waaay beyond realistic levels, because the Guvmint, in its infinite wisdom, passed legislation to "rein in" the credit card piggys, so those same piggys are "gettin' in while the gittin' is good." So somewhere in there, "us" is still gettin' screwed by "them." That about right?

Seems to me the only thing left to do is go after the Tooth Fairy money, and that will pretty well clean "us" out.

So I gots myself to thinkin', I did,and I got a real headache. Until this little notion flickered across my synapses. It seems to me we, er "us", have become slaves to one central lie - our "credit scores." Ooh, I can hear the elemental forces of rampant capital greed start to rumble. "Did we just hear a heretical thought?" A brief discussion with various "henchmen" ensues, I presume.

No, really, credit scores. Think about it for a minute. Our use of credit cards, as well as nearly everything else we do financially in this country,  is guided by our fear of the Big Bad Credit Score suddenly going "bad." We have had it essentially hammered into us, daily it seems, to "never do anything that will hurt your credit score." So don't be late with that payment to the extortionist, er, banks, and don't ever pay the whole thing off, or most importantly, DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, EVER, EVER, EVER CANCEL A CREDIT CARD. Because that will REALLY HURT your credit score.Hmm.

Now here's the funny thing - the credit score is really just a short leash. And ya gotta ask yourself - who is actually holding the other end? And THEN you gotta ask yourself, "who gave THOSE rat bastards the right to take us for a walk?"  Bet yer havin' trouble answering that question, ain't ya? Thought so.

I don't know about you folks out there, but I am beginning to smell a rat. One BIG FRICKIN" RAT.

What would happen, (purely speculatin' here,) if we all just stopped givin' a s**t about that nasty little beast? If suddenly, everybody just cut up first one, then a week later, another, and so on. Call the Evil Bastards and tell them to cancel the bloody damn things. Yeah, you still gotta pay it off, but here's the thing: they can't raise your rates again once its canceled. Sure, usury late fees, etc., that s**t still has us all by the neck. But. If even 20% of the card-carrying public did it. the shock waves would be incredible. Some of those criminals might even pee in their overpriced pants, eh?

Cuz' here's the thing: if you already are out of work, have lost your house, are starving on that generous unemployment insurance, then chances are, your credit score already sucks big time. But see, that's whats got ya'll worried sick, ya dig? Even down there at the bottom,"they" still got most of "us" by the short hairs. By keeping "us" all scared to death we will hurt our credit scores, them bastards just keep rakin' it in. If this (purely speculative) idea ever caught hold, maybe, just maybe, some of that dirty money that used to be ours might begin to "trickle down." At the least, it just might get our little weasels we call the Legislature to actually legislate "for the people." Instead of for their snake-oil donors.

So, think about it. Talk to your friends about it. Ask yourself this one little question: why does that thing scare me so much? The banks aren't gonna bail US out. You, Joe, yeah you! Your house, when it foreclosed, did the bank actually try to help you? Or was their "help" just window dressing? 'Cuz them greedy bastards OWN that house now, don't they? And what about you, Annie, that layoff? Got you feeling good about building up that ole' credit score? Nah, didn't think so.

Ya want to start something really big? 'Cuz right now, them bastards are definitely trickling down on us, as that rather acrid taste and aroma clearly indicates.

Tell your friends. Speculatively, of course.