Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Abject Failure, or, How The "Christian" Wrong Got So Wrong

Now, just to set the record straight, I consider myself a Recovering Christian - it takes a lifetime, but somebody has to make the first step, eh? That said, I do recall with vivid detail (shudder - those nuns still make me cringe,) the dogma of the religulous (hats off to Bill Maher.) And sitting right at the top-o-the-heap of said dogma is this little gem, "judge not, lest ye be judged." And there's lots more where that came from, which we may get to eventually, but not today. Today, we stick with just this one.

People who call themselves "Christian," besides Hans, are called to "witness" the "bible" (whichever one they want, apparently,) which means, literally, to both "see and understand, remember and speak," about what their book says. So if the admonishment is to "judge not...", then what we are seeing in today's "Christian Wrong" is an abject failure to "see and understand, remember and speak." Well, not the "speak" part - they have that one down to a "T." To judge (sorry, like I said, I'm "recovering" so I don't adhere to a particular book-based belief system,) is to tell others what they are doing wrong, and then issue threats of eternal retribution if they don't straighten out and fly right. The "abject failure part of this? The rest of the phrase? "...lest ye be judged." And sort of near this phrase, I seem to recall on the same page, in fact, it says something to the effect that only thy lord god shall judge, or words to that effect.

So when I see and hear the likes of Glenhardly Bleck and Rash Limpburger, She-Rah Pail-In, and Karly Rovenator saying very un-christian stuff about those they disagree with, and then try to justify it with statements about this being a "Christian Nation" and all that boolschtuff, well, that's when I know they must be reading from the wrong book, or, they just patently don't "see and understand...," whatever it was they claim to be reading. So, I can only assume they aren't really the "Christians" they claim to be, they are instead nothing more than snake-oil opportunists. Which is, in the mind of this "recovering Christian," the lowest sort of despicable slime mold. Especially since they seem to be rubbing their hands in glee about the now over-the-top resurgent Wrong Wing "Christian" militia movement (hey, they have over-the-counter remedy's for that, ya know,) as they sharpen their claws and talk open insurrection.

Which kinda makes them the advance guard for the Hutaree, seems to me. See, the real problem for all those "end times" whack jobs is this: when it doesn't go according to schedule, they don't have any fall-back positions. They paint themselves into a corner from which they cannot, without suffering extreme shame, extricate themselves and their insane ideologies. Which, oddly enough, is the same position into which the Republicant Party has painted itself. By "uniting" against the rest of the country, they have in effect taken an insurrectionist position, and will now have to lay in the bed they have made. Unfortunately for the rest of America, they can still do a lot of damage. Because you see, us white guys? We gots guns, we gots anger, we gots, er, the New Minority status, and er, well, uh, we ain't gonna take it anymore!! So there!! And we are gonna make everyone else suffer because of it, you can be damned sure of that!

Hmm. Seems like somebody's got their panties in a bunch, what say? I don't think it's mere coincidence these folks are always talkin' 'bout "Judgment Day." It's just that they don't seem to "...remember and speak" about who will actually be doing said "judging."

Those old Greeks had a word for this.



Monday, March 29, 2010

But Seriously, Folks! Goldwater was Just As Wrong as You Are!

Today something tells me to try being serious for once. So I thought, "Self, what a unique idea, let's try it on and see how it feels." So, here goes:

The primary problem with extremism, of whatever stripe, is its failure to ever achieve it's own stated goals, while simultaneously screwing things up for everyone else. Sort of a perfect s**t storm, if you will. In fact, even a cursory review of history will reveal not one single instance where extremism succeeded in a) achieving the exact ideal world envisioned by said extremists; b) doing as little harm as possible to those in disagreement; and c) still being around today. While the Far Wrong likes to parade charges of Socialism and Communism (come on! people, even when those things purported to exist, they didn't really exist - those, too, were extremist wet dreams that failed to ever meet their initial expectations, let alone have any coherence with their self-stated theories,) they fail to see how they are not much more than the mirror images of their own shibboleths. Whenever ANYONE espouses ANY kind of radical or reactionary makeover of "the system," it ultimately fails. Don't believe me - do the research yourself.

Show me ONE radical or reactionary system that has ever really "worked." By this I mean, have the people, as a whole, NOT merely those on top, EVER really prospered under draconian fantasies? China has been in its present form (psuedo-CommiCapitalism) for less than 20 years, and that change was itself a repudiation of the prior 40 years under so-called Marxism. I say so-called because, if any of the wing nuts on the Far Wrong ever actually bothered to READ his books, they would realize actual Marxism has never actually been tried. Instead, we've had one failed mostrosity after another parading under the "Marxism" banner while never coming close to it.

The same holds true for Conservatism, or shall we say, Reactionary ideologies. Name ONE far Right government that hasn't either (or both) brutally repressed/murdered it's own populations, or resulted in hyper-inflation and economic chaos. And name even ONE of those regimes that has stood the test of time. Yeah, I thought so.

The so-called Tea Party, which is just the latest name for the Patriot Militia Movement, and the Christian Right, and the Birthers and Birchers and Timothy McVeigh Book Club and Gun Society, will eventually run into it's own contradictions. In-fighting is already being seen. And what the adherents of this not-so-new ideology refer to as their "better ideas" are in fact the same failed ideas the world has seen in many other permutations before. And, need I add, with the same sad, and often misery-inducing results.

Please note - I am not by this critique suggesting, not in the slightest, that liberal or "progressive" ideologies are any different, especially where they purport to be the "right" answer to all that ails us. Not by a long shot, dear readers. In fact, what I am arguing is simply this: we have reached a critical juncture in human evolution, where what we thought were solutions in the past are finally proving their worthlessness, and reveal the true depth of the dilemma in all its gory details.

We cannot keep recycling the same ideological tropes in hopes one of them will succeed in pulling our collective fat out of the fryer. The Far Wrong and the Radical Whack-Pack both fear the notion of "globalism," and for not so different reasons. They use different rhetoric, but in the end, they are both nativists at heart. But nativism has never truly been a bulwark against the outside world, my readers - its all around us, that Big Bad World out there, and we damn well better learn to live in it, with something at least approaching harmony, or as the saying goes, we be gone, and we be stayin' gone.

There are no boundaries for air, for water. There is no way we are going back to the days (which, lets admit it, never really happened after all - Ozzie and Harriet was a fiction, ya'll,) when we were over here, they were over there, and we/they could ignore the other, unless they/we had something we/they wanted to take, when of course we/they would go over and whupp they/we until we/they got what we wanted, and then we/they went home, and, er, well...actually...WE hardly EVER went home, except when we got our butts handed to us. So, gee, I guess we need to rethink that isolationist/nativist thingy, wouldn't ya think?

So, dear reader, I leave you with two questions: Do you think it might be time to seek some new brand of pragmatism toward dealing with our political, social, environmental, etc., problems? And, if so, how might we start that conversation? Let's have some discussions, whether here, or your place, I don't really care. I just want to get started, because truthfully? I don't really think we have that much time to start fixing things. And some of those things are well and truly busted.

I think even the smallest amount of reflection will show that, no matter what you call it, extremism is NEVER in defense of Liberty - its only in the justification for oppression. Barry Goldwater notwithstanding.

Next time, back to my usual snarkism.


Sunday, March 28, 2010

Idiocracy, 2.0 - or - How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love the Bums

If there is one thing that really gets my goat, it's that there isn't just one thing that really gets my goat. My duck? That's another topic. But my goat? Well, the real question is usually, where to start?

Scott Brown is very afraid that Rachel Maddow wants his seat. But that is patently absurd - Rachel has a much better seat that Brown, and, despite her well-stated sexual preferences, still looks better in spandex. Deal with it, Brownie! As we continue to see, the Far Wrong isn't just the single largest purveyor of ad hominem filth, they are also the party of "oh, god, they didn't just really say THAT, did they?"

And their "supporters", who should rightly be called their "jock straps," seem to feel that living in their violence and black-helicopter fantasy land is actually going to solve the myriad problems facing the country, nay, the world today. Tsk. It seems that the movie, Idiocracy, is proving to be farther from the truth than we first suspected - the movie itself offered hope for the idiots, whereas this present collection of buffoons is so far and away beyond the depictions in the movie it seems a more cynical sequel than even Hollywood could dream up.

As for whether the Far Wrong and it's tiny-brained offshoot, the Tea bagger's Union, represent any kind of majority? Well, their recent foray into the Nevada desert drew a whopping 7000 fanatics to relive their biblical re-enactment ceremony, whereas Burning Man had that many just for the food service. And I sincerely doubt their "loaves and fishies" franchise was even remotely capable of feeding the entire frenzied mini-crowd. But hey, we all gotta have time out for mental hygeine. But "majority?" Uh, hmm, er,.....nope. Unless we're talking a "majority" of wing nuts, in which case I'll admit, they have the franchise.

But let's just get one thing straight, besides Barney Frank (badda-boom)! I sincerely doubt, and you Far Wrong-oids are quite invited to disprove this, that one of the Mad Haters at the tea party are without insurance, have any preexisting condition (besides that lump on your shoulders), or have yet to have your company pull up stakes and head to China. But for those one or two that have, uh, simple question: what's your problem? You LIKE being behind the eight-ball? Or is this all just about what Jimmy Carter called it as - white-people fear of the dark? 'Cuz truthfully?

I have yet to see many "people of color" in your ranks. I wonder why that is?


Thursday, March 25, 2010

Mob Mentality Is The Order of the Day - Big Surprise!

So it has come to this - verbal and physical threats against politicians who voted the way YOU didn't want them to. Wow. You dipwads on the Far Wrong sure are clear on the concept of representative democracy, ain'tcha? About that pesky Constitution - Second Amendment = fine and dandy,all the rest of that Godless Communist BS? Throw it and the kooks who wrote it right into the crapper! hell, yes! Er, what's that? Same guys? Really!!?? Ah, hell, let's hang 'em all, anyway - they don't agree with Rash Limpbarger and Glenoid Beck-Beck, so they don't agree with us!! We aim to throw tea parties till hell freezes over, if that's what it takes to keep our country from offering health care to those who are too lazy to pay all their money to the corporations what are real citizens of this here God-fearin' Capitalistic Plutocracy to Which We Belong!

A little over the top? Nah. If these bozitos can shout "baby killer" on the floor of the Senate, I can shout "nincompoop" on the floor of the Titanic, which is, after all, the perfect metaphor for these last days of the Empire.

Suck on THAT, She-Rah!!


Thursday, March 18, 2010

Is it just me, or does Jihad Jane look like Aileen Wuornos, as portrayed by Charlize Theron?  See for a better look-see. Just askin'.

40,000 year old tools left at construction site . So what's new? My surgeon left some old pliers in my spleen, and did HE get front page mention? Nooo.

So THAT'S how Tiger does it!

Greenspan Concedes That the Fed Failed to Gauge the Bubble

"Honest, I never realized my Bazooka Joe could even GET that big. I wasn't even chokin' or nothin'! My bad - sorry!!

On more serious fronts, has anybody else been noticing how men's underwear is getting thinner all the time? I mean, what do they expect us to do to hide the padding?

And what's up with this obesity campaign? I thought the whole point of being a good US citizen was being a better-than-average consumer. What a better way to both consume AND store vast quantities, without ever leaving the mall?

 Don't you just love all these global climate change deniers? They are now pointing out that, due to all the snow the country got this year, that's complete proof that Al Gore is a block-head. So what are they going to say this summer, when the heat releases ten trillion mosquitoes? "Oh, Old Al musta planted 'em?" Hey, where was he keeping them, I wonder? Musta been up Old Rusty Limpburger's nose. Yep, makes sense to me!

Like Scoop used ta say - if ya don't like the noose, go out and hang one of your own!



Monday, March 15, 2010

More Crazy-Assed Stuff for the Discerning

Just saw one of those instant plumber trucks, you know, the rooter dudes. This one was called (and I kid you not,) Rooter Bong. Uh, you wanna see some really good s**t? Its either a party truck, or this joker has some really "unique" ways of unclogging the drains. Either way? I don't really think he's gonna be my first call.
Smoky Joe's Bong Master Deluxe? Got them on insta-dial.

Charlie Sheen has pleaded not guilty, once again. That's not funny. What is funny, is Charlie, pleading. Somehow, I just don't see it.

Bradley Blakeman of FOXed Nudes is complaining he went on MSNBC and got "amBushed" and was "rudely interrupted" numerous times. And isn't that staple entertainment on FOXed? Boo-hoo, Brad. Now man-up and get back to your usual unfair and unhinged reporting, 'K?

Liz Cheney is trying to "Keep America Safe." She could start by sending her father to the tribal regions. No, not in Pakistan - in Texas. With all the loose canons down there, not to mention all the handguns, its just a matter of time before there's another "hunting accident." That oughta keep us all a lot safer. Then maybe she could work on getting that voice-box removal she keeps promising us.

CDC makes no-sail recommendation for cruise ship

Funny - I never noticed those things even had sails. 

Toyota wants us all to slow down. That's all. No jokes. Just slow down.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Hey, If Ya Gotta Hurl, Just Don't Do It in the Hospital!

If you, my singular reader, have despaired of me being less-than-regular, I pray thee forgive moi. I have went and gone got meself stuck in the flypaper that is the "Great US Health Crass System." Doctor says 3-5 days in the hospital, Anthem says screw that, ya gots 2, sucka! Doctor says we need another MRI, Anthem says, use a frakkin' Polaroid, sucka! Doctor says take this pain medication, Anthem says, bite this piece of bark, sucka! Oh, and sucka? Now you pay us 39% more, or you can take a long nose dive off a short ladder. "Sucka" is right.

On the upside, Rash Limpburger stated the other day he will leave the country if the Prez's health care plan passes. See? There is a silver lining. Well, aluminum foil, at least. All this damn cold weather we've been having? Cap'n Windbags, of course! All this gridlock on Corruption Hill? Olde Blowhard, once again! See all the wrongs we could right?

But seriously, folks. Can I call you folks? It seems so, well, homey, eh? Folks, I gotta plan I think yer gonna like! Yep, a real plan. It goes like this: If ya get sick, go to your local State house, and puke on their floor. If enough people do that, especially if a dozen or so do it simultaneously, well, I think they'll notice how sick those jerkoffs are making the rest of us. This way we can kill (OK, euthanize) several lobby-birds with one upchuck - highlight the need for user-friendly health coverage, and a direct comment on what we really think of the current crop of politicos of all stripes. And for every day they sit around and jabber, or for every dollar they rake in from corporate swine and lobby-monkeys, another dozen floor paintings. I recommend chili-con-carne - leaves a real mess.

OK, maybe you don't care for direct action. Try this. Call the bozitos and tell them you won't vote for them anymore. Do that every day for a week with each of your so-called "representatives" and get all your friends to do the same thing. You think those lobbyists (what, do they have couches and side tables on them, or what?) will have as much clout as something like that? No frakkin' way, Carl! They hear from 100 hundred constituents a day telling them they have a drop-dead sell-by date, and believe you me, they'll get crackin' right quick! The corporate stooges wave bucks, but the voter waves yer ass bye-bye, baby!

OK, so now ya can't tell me I ain't tryin' to contribute to a solution, can ya? As Scoop Nisker used to say, "If you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own"!!


Monday, March 8, 2010

Red Rove-er, Red Rove-er, Er, Send a Vomit Bag Right Over

Well, Pea-Brained Karl (ain't talkin' Marx here, Kiddies!) has just unleashed another piece of prime hyperbole and fanciful fabrications onto the world in the form of a piece of pulp fiction called (get ready - wait for it - hold your breath!_ "Courage and Consequences." And let's get right to it, shall we?

"Courage?" You must mean as in Courage the Cowardly Yellow Dog, right? Hell, Far Right, er, Wrong, is closer to the "truth" (which must always be in quotes when uttered in the same country as Karly-boy.) This twit has the courage of a school-yard bully, at best, and at worst, less than dead slime mold. Let's face it - when you invesnt lies and dirty tricks and then hide behind your candidate, when you deny having done these same things by saying things like "I don't think the American voter is that stupid" (when he actually does), and when he has no apologies for having foisted G. Bush on the American voters and taxpayers not once but twice, well, he did justifiably earn the name "Turd Blossom," I have to give him that.

And "Consequences?" Er, what consequences? You mean the fiscal meltdown brought about on his Butt-Boy's watch? You mean the involvement in a war we had no business starting? You mean the loss of millions of jobs and millions of foreclosures and millions of retirement savings? You mean those consequences? I see. And I suppose that means there are no consequences for his own actions? Well, folks, this is America, where the voters are only stupid when they turn on you, but not when you screw the hell out of them. No siree! Then they are "concerned and involved," right? People, this is the guy Orwell used to illustrate "double-speak", and Rovy has it down to "double-plus un-good" if ya get my slow drift to oblivion.

Gee, cynical much? Noooo, why would you say such a thing?! I am a true believer. I just believe the opposite of what Turd-Boy believes. He believes he CAN fool all of the people all of the time.

Unfortunately, unless you-all decide to call him on his lies, well, he just may be right.


Tuesday, March 2, 2010

All Enamel, Baby! Or, Zippin' Down The Highway of Life in the Ricky Lane

Enamel coatings tend to make things all slick and shiny. Way hella lots o' money does the same thing. But when you put the two together, well, now we talkin' 'bout Shinny Happy People!! Take Rick "Self Serving" Perry down Texas way, tryin' to take the Gov mansion by advocating secession (and spendin' moolah like there's no tomorrow ((and maybe there ain't)). Yep. You heard that right - secession, as in, "it's our State and dammit, we are shuttin' down ALL the damn borders and declarin' our bad selves a separate country." Yee-friggin-ha! Well, it is Texas, and there are more tea baggers per square inch than anywhere outside of Wasilla, but still, talk about dirty pool filled with freshly-minted currency! Boy's got game!

Now, before all you folks out there think I've gone and lost my sad little mind, hear me out. I think a case can be made for old Rick-boy's idee majeur. , as it were. Them tea baggers seem to want their own country, or at least kick the rest of us out of ours, so I say, Texas? Not a bad start. Let's throw in Florida, Oklahoma, and Alaska, but no fly-over rights - don't really trust their pilots, if ya get my drift. I think they would have a) enough room; b) enough natural and unnatural resources; c) the people who don't want to be part of this less-than-grand Confederacy (oops, did I just coin a name for their new country? Maybe!), can move into the houses vacated by all the tea baggers and television/radio crap-yackers who opt to join the Degeneracy, er, Confederacy (gonna take some time to get this to just roll off the tongue, instead of making me gag); and d) have all the wrestlin', shootin', and screamin' time they all want.

Then maybe, just maybe, we give Vermont to the Demoncrats who keep waffling. It'll keep 'em in syrup for years.

The rest of us might finally be able to get some real things accomplished to put our (at that point) slightly fractured Nation back on track. To paraphrase John Lennon:

You may say I'm a dreamin', but I ain't the only one!


Monday, March 1, 2010

Olympic-level Headache - or, Their Frontal Lobes Don't Go All The Way To The Top Floor

OK, right here and now, full disclosure - I have been known to be fiscally conservative. It's my burden to carry the shame, but there it is, out there for all to see. For example, I always go for the cheapest items on the menu. And I have cut back on washing my car to twice a year - unless it rains - then I just drive fast afterward to shed the dirt. And I reuse those cup warmer/insulator thingy sleeves, sometime ten or more times. Least I can do, the way I see it. Oh, and sometimes I eat soup. From a can. Saves water, you see - don't have to wash the pot.

Now that I have that out of the way, let's take a look at those other so-called conservatives, you know, the Wrong Wing? Seems they really like to slam the "liberals" (I use that word with caution these days - there are an awful lot out there who wear that name who aren't even close - you know who I am talking about), mostly over passing "Big Programs." But what was the Bush Tax Relief Act for the Super Wealthy, if not a "Big Program" that has cost the guvmint massive deficits?

Let's talk a little turkey, eh? First, you want to fix a problem already in play when you get the job. You of course want to pay back all your supporters, but, well, it seems there are facts on the ground that resist the magic wand of wishful thinking. So. What do you do? Well, for starters, what you DON'T do is cut your own legs out from under you, not if you are really a "conservative." No, first, as our good buddy Hippocrates said, you do no harm. If your aim is to shore up the foundation, you don't start by adding another story first - you fix the damn foundation with the idea of adding an extra story factored into the building plan. Put another way, you don't sell your horse just before its time to haul your crop to market. Which, strangely enough, is what the so-called conservatives in the Bush disministration did - they cut taxes to those most able to pay while already starting to enter a deficit after inheriting - wait for it - a surplus. A friggin' surplus! And, they chose to fight two wars, when only one of them was actually necessary. Nice timing.

Fast forward (painfully) to today. The Prez, yep, inherits a deficit, not just a small one, mind you, but a real whopper, and when he has to choose the demon we know over the one we don't, or at least hope we don't have to, well, how is that his fault? His job, near as I can tell, is to try and steer the ship o' State away from the rocks, and into clear and calm waters. But he doesn't just inherit the biggest damn deficit and debt burden in the history of the freakin' world, no, he also inherits a financial-sector friggin' meltdown, set in motion by the excesses of lazy-unfair greed-centered capitalistic orgies. And because he still doesn't have this Godzilla-set of problems solved and everyone in America back to work making an easy six-figure payday after his first year in office? Well, that means he is a failed president. Anybody remember G. Bush? Hell, no.

So you Wrong Wingers want to harp about fiscal conservatism? Then show me the freakin' money! You want your wars to continue? Pay for them! You want your precious Wall Street friends to keep bailing you out of your reelection jitters? I guess you better keep bailing THEM out, right? But you keep wanting to do it with MY money! And that, my bozitos, is the friggin' CRUX of the problem. You want to cut the taxes of the super-wealthy and keep them low forever? Fine. You and them can go to all those private islands the rich own, and become your own banana-split republic. And figure your own way out of your own problems, instead of getting richer off the problems you-all created!

The rest of us? We have a damaged nation to repair, thanks to you and your "special friends." So scram. Go away. Mad or otherwise, we don't really care.

Just stop selling us the fake-conservatism you pretend to champion.

'Cause you-all? You only champion your own wealth. And the country be damned.