Friday, October 30, 2009

Scary People, wooooohhhh, You Know Whoooo You Are!

Karl Rove turned heads today when he appeared on Capital Hill wearing a spandex unitard and cape, with the words "I am a Liberal" emblazoned across his somewhat sunken chest. He was also, by some reports, wearing Birkenstocks. David Boehner was heard to shout, "God, not him, too!" and had to be carried out of the capital on stretcher. Other Republicans were reportedly weeping openly. Nancy Pelosi supposedly ran up to Rove and kissed the top of his head. Barbara Boxer also apparently gave Rove a case of California Chardonnay.

The Democrats decided to call a floor vote on the Health Care bill, and, due to the number of Republicans unable to regain their composure, the bill was passed with only three Nays and all the remaining Republicans were entered as abstentions.

President Obama declared tomorrow a National Holiday, to be celebrated around the cauldron of your choice.

America is indeed a great country!

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Tuesday's Elections and the Republican Agenda

Ooh, little Karly Rove is doing that pundit thingy again. He's tellin' it like it ain't, that's for sure, Binky. Its actually kinda cute, watching all these Far Wrong bloviators grasping at straws the way they do. Its like they just can't get over the fact they got royally spanked for being the ones who actually created the current shitstorm that is the landscape of Amurica today.

I mean, just because there's a "likelihood" a couple of Retreads will beat a couple of Deadoacrats does not a "wave" make, Karly. I mean, geez! I thought you knew a little bit of math, at least. Governorships and judicial seats are NOT Congressional seats, even if they all do have the big asses in common. And given the
New Face" of the Retreadican Party these days (you know, "obstruct, deny, lie, and swindle") it wouldn't really make any difference. Ya'll WANT gridlock, yer gonna GET gridlock. Being stuck in an ideological black hole does not make what you Far Wrongers hope to shove further down the throats of America a valid nor viable form of governance. It just makes you what we all already know you are - haters, not players.

By the way, help me out on this, Karly. I thought all you neo-con-jobs thought "government is the problem." Well shouldn't that make it obvious what track ya'll oughta be taking? I mean, all ya gotta do is say "No." If you stay out of government, it won't be anywhere NEAR as big, now, will it?

A little consistency would go a long way.


Monday, October 26, 2009

If Moses Could Do It, So Can I!

Seems there's a new rumor going around that, contrary to all scientific evidence, the 'ol planet is actually cooling, NOT warming. This is good to know, for several reasons I shall now elucidate. (Don't let the big words scare ya, Bobby. Mommy will make the unbeliever go away.) "Global warming skeptics base their claims on an unusually hot year in 1998. Since then, they say, temperatures have dropped — thus, a cooling trend. But it is not that simple." ""Should not the actual temperature be higher now than it was in 1998?" Easterbrook asked. "We can play the numbers games."
That's the problem, some of the statisticians said.

Grego produced three charts to show how choosing a starting date can alter perceptions. Using the skeptics' satellite data beginning in 1998, there is a "mild downward trend," he said. But doing that is "deceptive."

Conflicting data analyses

The trend disappears if the analysis is begun in 1997. And it trends upward if you begin in 1999, he said."

Oooohhhhhh. So, by moving the starting line, you bet against the turtle, right? I am so off to Reno!!!

Lets be stark and tony, shall we? The pantheon of pseudo-science is full of snake-oil salesmen, followed by a lemming-like following of rubes who can't wait to be the next mark. And have I gotta bridge for you!! Its from a secret guvmint laboratory that has been hording secret guvmint laboratories to prevent us real folk from gittin' our hands on all the secret stuff inside that will make us rich and be-utiful! Let's go hang the rat bastards!

So, OK. You don't want to "believe in" global climate change? All right, fine by me. Ya wanna know why? Sure you do. Come on, admit it - you like slipping in your own spittle, tell the truth.

All you folks who "believe in" some deity, but don't "believe in" fact-based evidence that the oceans are gonna rise - I urge you to, right now, put down that remote and go out right now and buy as much ocean shoreline as you can, cuz its gettin' plenty affordable. Get in early, ya'll will make a killing!

Actually, you DO know how to reverse global warming cheaply, don't you? After all, its really about the money for you, right? Right? So here's all you have to do. Go spend more time on the beach! Sounds like fun, plus its easy!

Population reduction IS the fastest and cheapest way to save the planet for the grand-kids, and have a nice warm, tingly feeling as you go down for the third time. Feels nice to do something special for the entire species, doesn't it?

Just remember - just because you believe in, or don't believe in something, doesn't mean you are right. Usually means you are only dead right.

Save the whales!

Saturday, October 24, 2009

The Secret Bath House for Old Men: Fear Abides

There is something I've been puzzling over for quite some time now, regarding the Big Three Head Honcho Cop God Religions. You know - monotheism? Sounds kinda boring, doesn't it? Mono. Mo No. Ma, No! (Didn't I have that back in high school?)  Hell, I went to Quadrophonic way back in the '70s, fer cry-yi. But enough digressing (at least for now.)

Why is it, I ask myself, that most religions, but most especially monotheistic religions, have this thing about women? Come on, you know what I'm talking about, don't you? You don't? Oops. Spoiler alert - this posting is almost certainly going to piss off somebody, but what the hey! Monotheistic religions - Christianity, Judaism, and Islam (oh, just back off - free speech, got it?) especially the more, oh, how can I put this delicately? rigid orthodoxies of aforesaid religions, seem quite afraid of women. No, really!

In Islam, the argument for covering up the gals is that they have this apparent tendency to, well, tempt the boys. Wow. Really? You are so afraid of your own inability to take responsibility for your own emotions and actions that you want to blame those reactions inside you on the gals? Tsk. I mean, that is SO Thirteenth Century, right? And yet, why is it always virgins? Get 'em  while they're still unclear on some basic concepts, right?

And in Orthodox Judaism, gotta make the gals pray in the other room. What's up with that? Afraid they pray to your God better than you do? Or is it that old Adam/Eve crap? You STILL hung up on THAT? That women are what, unclean? Is that like, say, pork? And the wigs, fercryinoutloud! I mean,  don't they already HAVE hair?

Oh, don't think I'm leaving you Christians out of this mess, no siree! Gotta keep 'em reproducin', even if they've been raped, or, oh, I don't know, it might KILL them, but birth that future supplicant anyway, Mom. And higher education? Gee, what do the gals really NEED to know beyond cookin' and birthin', eh? And they have to speak to THEIR God through you old farts? But Whoo-Whee, that Death Penalty? Yesirebob!

Come on! We're in the freakin' 21st Century, ya dig? We aren't still stuck in the freakin' desert, ya know?

And not one of these cults is immune to the real allure - religious warfare, the ultimate in Male Bonding. I recall Tom Lerher getting this one right years back. In his great song, National Brotherhood Week, he sang:

"Oh, the protestants hate the catholics,
And the catholics hate the protestants,
And the hindus hate the moslems,
And everybody hates the jews."

Hell, the entire history of the world is one of internecine religious wars. It don't matter how we cast them - terrorism, or out-right organized slaughter ala Israelis and the Palestinians, or The Inquisition and the Crusades, or the all-time favorite,Let's Kill All The Heretics game.  You remember the Sufi's, don't you? No? Oh, right. All gone now. So  if you don't believe what I believe, then BAM! I'm commin' ta git ya, with the Correct Deity on my side!! Even if we have to hide it under the cloak of some other cover story, admit it - ya just hate each other, right?

But before I stray too far off course, lets look at another aspect of this fear of women, shall we? I mean, what is it really, guys? Each of these religions (remember, I am NOT exempting other religions, or cults, as I likes ta call 'em, I'm just using these as a handy reference guide,) like to dress their leaders up in the latest spring fashions - robes of gold, silver, lame', and whatever plunder happens to fall into their coffers, nice hats, yes, yes!, and of course, pretty cars or whatever totally sweet ride was favored at any particular time. And then there's all that secret ritual stuff, the inner sanctum, the "secret brotherhood," and wow, ritual baths! All while making sure the ladies are at least in the other room,  if not on the other side of the wall, and wrapped up against those tender sensibilities the men-folk seem to have if they even THINK about whats underneath. But at least you guys are gettin' a word in to Allah, God, Jehovah for the mostly unclean gals. Good on you!

But I can't help but ask one question. Maybe one of you holy types out there can clear up for me this one, wee little nagging suspicion. If yer all so into the male bonding, male superiority, we-can-talk-to-god-but-you-gotta-keep-yer-mouths-shut-and-yer-birth-canals-open-gals thing, why is it you are so afraid of the Gays?

Just askin'.


Friday, October 23, 2009

White Fang, Black Tooth Go Down For The Count, No One Alive Knows How To Do The Mouse

Oh, my. Today is indeed a sad day for all the kool kats and kittys out there, because the True King of Kool has gone on to that Great Pie Throw in the Sky. Soupy Sales has left the planet. If you were either too young to know him, or too square (and actually listened to your un-hip parents telling you how he and rock-and-roll would rot your brain and send you straight to hell, well, too bad and sad for you.)

White Fang and Black Tooth, along with the entire assortment of crazy characters and endless pie throwing made Soupy my very first hero. That his two sons later would be in a band with David Bowie only made him that much better for me. If he was on the air today, he'd be throwing pies at all the little Far Wrong pipsqueaks who pretend to be "informed", and probably sic White Fang on 'em, to boot.

So listen close, girls and boils. When your folks go to bed, get your mom's purse and your dad's wallet, (or both your mom's wallets, or both your dad's purses) and find all the green pictures of presidents (no, there won't be one of President Obama, yet) and send them all in to Soupy, and you might win a prize. (Ya sure as shootin' gonna piss off the folks, let me tell ya!)

Ah, well. I think I'll go and find a nice piece of pie.

Northwest Pilots Get Lost While Playing Pong, Blame it On Obama, Socialism

Teabaggers and Birthers are now certain that Obama and his Socialist Minions are screwing with the Nation's Airlines. "There can no longer be any doubt," said Earl T. Whassupwidat, of the United National Tea and Crumpets Marching Brigade and Temperance Society. "Those planes that hit the World Trade Center and the Pentagon were sent from the future by Obama to make George Bush look funny. We gotta warn the real Americans about this, before its too late for tea."

Others aren't so sure.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Oh, Mike. Sad, Sad Mike. Pence, We Hardly Know Ye. Tsk.

Well, got manhandled today by Mike Pence, Republican't from Indiana. He's all fired up about what so many are saying today, that his party is in the grip of slime-mold salesman of the Far Wrong media. He seems to feel, the poor sod, that we-all are pickin' and grinnin' on his Godawfully Old Par-tay, and that, well, it's just not fair. (sound of foot stomping, repeatedly.) “So to my friends in the so-called ‘mainstream media’ I say, ‘conservative talk show hosts may not speak for everybody but they speak for more Americans than you do.’” Nyah, nyah, nyah. I'm takin' my ball and I'm goin' home. Well, don't let the door hit ya where the Lord split ya, as my old Gran used to say. (She was a regular peach, I tells ya.)

“Well, that's hogwash.

“To suggest that men and women that are taking a stand for fiscal discipline and traditional values in the national debate today only speak for ‘grassroots activists’ is absurd. As evidenced by the hundreds of thousands that filled town hall meetings this summer and the nearly a million Americans who gathered here in Washington in September. Millions of Americans, Republicans, Democrats and Independents are worried about liberal social policies and runaway federal spending, deficit and debt."

 Mike, I hate to tell you, but hogwash is as hogwash does. (I have no idea what the hell that means, but Damn! it sounds good.) Yes, thousands of people went to these so-called town-hall meetings, and many spoke up. BUT. The majority of people who went to those meetings never had a chance to speak. Gee, I wonder why. Hmm. Could it have been the small handfull who went with talking points and instructions prepared for them by, Heavens! vested interests? Who then proceeded to shout down anyone with a different take on the situation, and yell their way onto the news (mostly on FOXY, of course. Wow, we made the news! Let's yell LOUDER tomorrow!!!) So Mike, while I see why you feel the need to masturbate, er, massage those numbers, well, you Gross Olde Parasites, for all your so-called "fiscal conservatism" (Hey, ya DID blow the surplus to smithereens, and ya DID blow the deficit into the stratosphere, but, what the hell, eh?) still haven't learned how to count. Maybe because it's too much like science, which, bein' un-god-like, is something you work day and night to keep out of your children's minds, just as your folks did for you. (Ah, family values. Kinda makes ya tingley, don't it?)

As for  " and women that are taking a stand for fiscal discipline and traditional values in the national debate today...", well, I kinda think most who identify with the Groping Old Prairiedogs, who are at the lower end of the socio-economic ladder (sorry for the big words there, Mike,) are right about, oh, say, NOW, pretty broke, out of work, feelin' that "family values" might actually mean bein' able to feed their families, well, they have kinda had it with all the shouting and poisonous venom, spewed in the name of Idiot, er, Ideology, and just wished ya'll would put a cork in it and try to GET THE PEOPLE'S WORK DONE, so they can get back to work, and maybe keep their little over-priced domiciles, instead of forkin' 'em over to the banks. By the way, THAT was started on you-all's watch, too.

Anyhoo, ya do remember that old Biblical saying, don't you? (I expect you read that Good Olde Paperback, eh?) You know, the one about throwing stones while ensconced in glass palaces? Given the degree that you Greedy Old Pariahs worked over the so-called "liberal media," I gotta wonder, Mike - don'tcha believe in Karma?

You know what Karma is, don'tcha? Its just sinful behaviour that has unpredictible consequences. Or are you all just, "do as we say, not as we do?" Ooh, I sense a confession comin' on, Mike. Maybe 60 Minutes? Or is it Oprah? I guess ya COULD dance on that "reality" show, like yer bud, Mr. Delay and Confused. Hey, do you REALLY have "friends" in the "mainstream media," or are you just joshin' us?

You go, boy!

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Smile When You Say That, Hombre! And Then Gift-Wrap The Damn Thing!

Oh, those poor, poor Repubs, so afraid for their tiny selves. Once again, we have a case of the Potty Mouths calling the O'Kettle black, er, whatever. Lamar, or "Hedy" as he likes to be called, is today quoted in Reuters as telling The Big O to "not make an enemies list." Well, sheesh, little fella, how the hayseed is he ever gonna know who NOT to shoot? Times are dicey out here on the Far Wrong Range, dontcha know?

OK, lets do the drill. "Alexander cited as examples the Obama administration's suggestion that it may support stripping the insurance industry of its exemption of federal anti-trust laws, its clash with the U.S. Chamber of Commerce and the president saying he will call out people who oppose him and boycott Fox News network."

Number One, Hedy, can you Puhleaze! explain why the protection rackets, er, the insurance industry should even BE exempt from anti-trust laws in the first place? Hell, I'M not! Who the hell are they to get such special treatment? Oh. Right. The lap you sit on. Sorry, my bad.

And "it's clash with the U.S. Chamber-pot of Congress?" First of all, that so-called organization is NOT a public organization, its a private club who lobbies to shove things down the little guy's throats so the Big Buggers keep rakin' it in. EVERYBODY knows that. Second, last I saw, it was other BUSINESSES who were shamin' the 'ol Chamber. Third, Hedy, you don't mind if I call you Hedy, do you? You ever HEAR anyone from the Ad-Min say anything about girl-cotting those Chamber Beotches? Sounds like ya'll want to generate another one o' those fake controversies ya'll seem to like. Come on, time for a new game plan, eh?

He's gonna "call out people who oppose him?" Really? You mean, he's going to make them actually explain their positions? He's going to hold their BS up to the light of day? You think THAT amounts to an "enemies list?" Wow. Ya really HAVE been hittin' that koolaid a bit hard lately, haven't you? Hedy, listen closely - its called the "bully pulpit", ya see? And EVERY president uses it when they have to to get THE WORK OF THE PEOPLE done, ya dig? That's OK, take yer time. It'll get through sooner or later. I'll wait.

As for boycottin' FOXY? Riiiiiiiggghhhttttt! Since they keep braggin' about how everything negative said about them just seems to increase the number of yahoos who tune in to their clap-trap vermin urination station, what's got their panties in such a bunch? Isn't that what Rupert Baby really dreams about every night while falling asleep holding his "personal" digital assistant? (Ya know, it occurs to me I may have read your words incorrectly, Hedy. It almost looks like you are saying he's gonna "call out people who oppose HIM, AND boycott Fox." Is that right? Now why in the world would he call up people who oppose HIM, and tell THEM to boycott FOXY? Seems like he might actually want YOU-ALL to do that boycottin' thing, don't it? Is that what you mean? Cuz if it is, I cannot understand a word you are saying. Just messes with my central synapse somethin' fierce.)

Besides. We don't need no stinkin' "enemies list" to know who we are sick of hearing spout pure vile drool day in and day out. We have figured out for ourselves that FOXY is clearly NOT about news, or reporting, being as they are so unfair and unhinged. And just plain nuts.

And you, Hedy. Whasamattayou? Shillin' fer yer groupies? Takin' a bullet for the Team? Seems you, like WAAAAAYY too many of your ilk (god, I've wanted to use that word all week!) spend more time tryin' to protect the "interests" of your corporate "constituents" than the actual people who voted for you. I guess that's because those corporate "citizens" pay better, eh?

Anyway. I think ya'll have yer OWN enemies list, dontcha? And I don't think I'd be too far off the mark by guessing your Numero Uno Enemy is, in fact, The Big O. Come on, you can tell me. I promise to keep it right here between our collective selves, OK? Given as how both you Retreads AND your yapping pit bull FOXY can't seem to find ANYTHING to say yes to, or even make an attempt to find common ground with anyone else in America, I really don't think you guys have cause for complaints about someone else thinkin' maybe its you-all who are the Real Problem here.

Oh, and Hedly? I CAN tell you about someone who DOES have a list. And I am pretty damn sure that this year, he's gonna be checking it MORE than twice.


Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Pelosi Chases Balloon Boy Across Taliban Stronghold. Rove "Very Upset"

Its time for another lesson in abject idiocy (as if there haven't been enough of THOSE lately.) When a hoax involving a flying saucer-shaped balloon, an invisible boy, a storm-chasing UFO groupie, and the Colorado police authorities is bigger news than the US of A locking up several dozen people captured in Afghanistan and playing Roddy Piper on their small, shaved heads for eight years while depriving them of any rights to say, legal representation and habeus corpus, things you and I take for granted (by the Constitution,) well, we are in serious, deep s**t. If you were one of the apparent millions who were both captivated by and disappointed to find out your tender sensibilities were spit on by gettin' yer sorry asses fooled again (as if you weren't fooled again by Bushie and His Boyz and ever really worried that maybe, just maybe, that was a sign of the impending apocalypse), gave two seconds of thought to the situation of these poor Uighar fellas whose only sin was bein' in the wrong place at the wrong time when Uncle Sam and his Kick-As Kiddies came stormin' in their front doors and did a "24" on their sad souls, well, tough. Boo-hoo for poor you.

Ya know what? I think ya'll deserve to lose the protections guaranteed by the Constitution until you swear off tabloid junk masquerading as "news." Its clear you can't think about anything but Judge Judy-Judy, and NASCAR, and the freakin' Fantasy Four. You-all clearly haven't earned the rights you bray about the Liberals takin' away from you, especially as you seem entirely too enthralled with taking rights away from anyone who disagrees with you about such important topics as worshiping invisible white guys.

At least I can SEE Mr. Clean. All you got is The Big Cheese-head with a microphone. That, and the voices in yer heads.

Just quit demanding we hear them, too.

Lady Liberty Gone Missing. Friends Say She Was Tired of All The Lies, Heavy Book.

Listen up, whiners on the Far Wrong. Always complaining about them damn fereigners? Want to close the borders of the Good Ole Whatever this is now? Can't stop calling anyone who disagrees with you un-American? Well, let's take a look at how ya'll have managed to completely screw up the entire idea of America, from top to the sub-basement of Far Wrong failed ideologee, honey, we got screwed again!

This latest from the WaPo(st), about how we really screwed up the lives of truly innocent people in our zeal to persecute, er, prosecute the War Against Terror-or-or-or-orrr (bad echo in here), on the Uighars we kidnapped from Off-and-on-istan. We stole 'em, totuga'd 'em, and now, they a-lookin' fer a home, poor weevils. And we think we're the Greatest Nation Ever, or some such crap? No wonder ewe jerkoids on the Far and Distant Wrong can't get a leg up these days - everything youse says just contradicts everything ya'll purport to stand for.

Let's be honest, can we? Huh? Ya'll don't REALLY want The People to have freedom and rights, like that antique piece-'o-paper the Constitution says we do, do you? Naw. Ya'll REALLY want those things for YOU all, and want to see everyone else (colored folk, liberals, and Al Franken) to be shipped off-shore, who gives a s**t where. Cuz' yer the REAL 'Murihcans, ain'tcha? I mean, that wierd stuff written on the Lady Liberty (Just a big green meany from those pesky Frenchies, anyway) has got it completely wrong.

It really oughta read, "Give me you rich, huddled group thinkers, your wretchedly rich excuses for inhumanity, and keep all those other riff-raff off our shores." Problem is, it doesn't rhyme.

Come to think of it, neither do you-all.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Calling the Kettle Black, er, White? Er, black? Whatever!

The White House, current home to that black (when he isn't white) president, is currently warring with FOX News over whether FOX is actually a news organization or some other form of quasi-queazie professional hit squad. This of course has raised hackles at the hindquarters of said Hit Squad. From the Far Wrong's august Fearless Leader, one K. Rove, comes this little squibble:

"Fox News contributor Karl Rove, who was the top political strategist to former President George W. Bush, said: "This is an administration that's getting very arrogant and slippery in its dealings with people. And if you dare to oppose them, they're going to come hard at you and they're going to cut your legs off."

"This is a White House engaging in its own version of the media enemies list. And it's unhelpful for the country and undignified for the president of the United States to so do," Rove added. "That is over- the-top language. We heard that before from Richard Nixon."

Hmm. Why he said that, I am not certain, but since he did, lets all jump on his back, what say? Or at least, let's de-construct this veritable snake-pit of delicious ooziness, shall we?

"This is an administration that's getting very arrogant and slippery in its dealings with people." This from Georgy-Porgy's lap dancer? Wow. Lets talk about arrogance and slipperiness in dealings with people. First off, what "people" is he actually talking about here? Citizens of the Republic? Republicans only? Everyone except Republicans? Seems to me without Little Karl getting clearer on this, we cannot ever be sure. I mean, I'd like to think of this little freak as somehow "inclusive," but I haven't had that much to drink yet today. As for arrogance? Do I really HAVE to spell it out? OK. How about NEARLY EVERYTHING ya'll did, from declaring war in Iraq over well, pure lies, to "Good job, Brownie, to mission accomplished - all this wasn't arrogance? Wasn't "slippery?" Give me a freakin' break.

How about, "And if you dare to oppose them, they're going to come hard at you and they're going to cut your legs off."? Can you say Valery Plame? Can you say Helen Thomas? Should I go on?

"This is a White House engaging in its own version of the media enemies list." See above item, please. And given it was in fact FOX News who aided and abetted all this crapolla I think makes the White House's claim quite succinctly.

"And it's unhelpful for the country and undignified for the president of the United States to so do," Rove added. "That is over- the-top language. We heard that before from Richard Nixon." And from George Bullshit (Gesundheit!). By reading from your teleprompter, Karl. Listen, ya little pipsqueak, this clap-trap coming from you just makes such an assertion about FOXY News that much more credible. Both you AND that Arch Duchess of Alaska are doing more to harm the Retreadican brand than anything the Demoncrats could ever do. Ya might want to go into an extended quiet period, just as a nice gesture to your old friends.

By the way, interesting how both you and Marx spell your names the same way, eh, Karl? You know - Grouchy?

Friday, October 16, 2009

Yeah, He Really Doesn't Have That Much On His Plate - Hand Him Another Snake

Eugene, Eugene. I have to tell you how much you are NOT "Post Partisan." That you are with the Post, unquestionable. But really. You are clearly NOT of The PostPartisan world you pretend to represent.

Like so many on the Far Wrong's Outpost's of Reality, you, too, have fallen into the mindless double un-think that passes for, well, intelligence? Let's review the tape, shall we?

1. The Prez has specific powers vis-a-vis Running The Country - he represents the Executive. BUT. He does NOT control the purse strings - that would be Congress, I believe.

2. Congress has descended into spittle-flecked babbling, is being roadblocked by insane ideology, and can't seem to find its way out of a paper bag with a GOP un.. - er - GPS unit.

3. The "O" Man inherited, how can I say this in polite company? Hmmm. A Shitstorm? Naw. Oh, I know - A Perfect Shitstorm! Yeah, that's the ticket! Not one, but two wars. Not one, but two nuclear-crazed fanatic nations trying to get on Who Wants To Be a Megalomaniac. Not one, but millions of economic mudslides burying the nation. Global warming, Chicken hawks on the one side, and progressive Dis-orders on the other. I could go on. And on. And - OK, I won't. (Come ON, Eugene - you know all this stuff. Ya just gotta remember to apply it.)

So, tell me Eugene. How would you handle the situation, hmmm? Remember those old Ed Sullivan shows? Where the Amazing Juggler from East Slobovia balanced spinning plates on big sticks? Think you could do that? With everyone watching you and judging every mistake as if you shouldn't be allowed among the living? Hmmm? No. No you couldn't, nor could most people on the planet.

The Big "O" was handed a sinking ship covered in the sewer of the neo-con job of the previous eight years, and everyone wants him to drop whatever he's doing, RIGHT NOW, and Get His Ass Over Here And Make Us All Feel Special.  Or we'll piss on his parade. So there. Nyah, nyah.

Ya know, normally, I think you have a rather level head. But lately, I think maybe your barber took a little too much off the top. Yer starting to resemble the flight deck on the Nimitz. Strange, for someone living so far inside the bubble.

New Orleans needs help, no doubt. So do the millions of people out of work, kicked out of their homes, and without anything resembling health care options. So, sorry, Big Easy, things are tough all around. "O's" gettin' to ya, as much as he can, as soon as he can. Ya wanna blame somebody, blame the decrepit neo-cons who left you low and wet in the first place. And got away without so much as a slap on the wrist.

So, Eugene, I ain't saying the "O" gets a free ride. All I'm sayin' is, go after the Real Stuff. You know, obscene corporate bonuses, Big Lobby payoffs to Congress (ever notice we don't call it what it most resembles - sexual congress? I mean, they're always screwing us, making us pay for it, and afterward, demand we let them do it again,  and we should let the Big Lobby watch. Sorry, I digress.) All the money paid by the Big Lobby just over the so-called health care debate could have built many levees, a new hospital, etc., down by the Big Muddy by now. So go after THOSE rat bastards.

Let the Big O get some work done, eh?

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Is Glenny Beck Really a Higgs Boson?

When CERN's LHC - Large Hadron Collider - finally comes on line this December, it is thought by some rather fringe elements in the scientific community the whole thing might go "blooey" when it reaches energy levels designed to find the mythic Higg's Boson. Others, from the "scienterrific community" believe the Higg's Boson is actually Glenny Beck, who, when summoned by the collider, will erase himself from the Future, as Nature abhors His Vacuum-ness.

"According to the so-called Standard Model that rules almost all physics, the Higgs is responsible for imbuing other elementary particles with mass."

And yet, His Beckiness has so little mass as to enable him to pass through people's minds without leaving any trace. Interesting.

“It must be our prediction that all Higgs producing machines shall have bad luck,” Dr. Nielsen said in an e-mail message. In an unpublished essay, Dr. Nielson said of the theory, “Well, one could even almost say that we have a model for God.” It is their guess, he went on, “that He rather hates Higgs particles, and attempts to avoid them.”

He then went on to say Glenny Beck hates anyone who hates Higgs particles, and suggests God may actually be trying to avoid him. (And any Beck-producing machines shall fail to multiply.)

"Dr. Nielsen and Dr. Ninomiya started laying out their case for doom in the spring of 2008. It was later that fall, of course, after the CERN collider was turned on, that a connection between two magnets vaporized, shutting down the collider for more than a year.
Dr. Nielsen called that “a funny thing that could make us to believe in the theory of ours.”

And even funnier if anyone believes in the existence of a Glenny Beck particle of intelligence in the Universe.

Like That Hen-Clucking Song From Music Man

The Head Bozito of the Far Wrong, Karly Rove, just can't get enough of being a certified Nabob of Negativism. The Prez sneezes - Karly says it's a socialist plot. He says, more troops - Karly finds something else to pick on. He goes to New Orleans, and everybody throws a snit-fit (Did Bushy Boy go? Hell, no.) What next? The Senate Fiance Committed makes their move, and the hole Far Wrong blames anything about it on the "O"-man. These jerks are just no fun at all.

And Rushy? Hoo, boy. What a piece o'work. He spends years slamming everybody who isn't Him, and when someone at the White House points out what a fat-head his Rushiness is, why, he goes all "Oh, the Left is smearing me, oh, I must have them on the ropes," and like "oh, I'm not the leader of the Repugnant Party, I'm just their Nasty Boy." Kinda makes ya feel sorry for the Smeagol, don't it?

Well, I remember my Granny used to say, "what goes around, comes around." Thanks to all the mealy-mouthed rat chewers who spew for the Far Wrong, ya'll gittin' yours now, ain'tcha? And do you take it as a manly man? Hell, no! Ya'll get all "victim-y," dontcha?

Here's a lesson in Democracy, folks. "The People" are not what you say they are, they don't want what you say they want, they don't believe half the things you say, and they think the other half needs a lot of work. Ya wanna know what the People want? They want to be treated with respect, but mostly, they want Things To Work. And you Bozitos, spendin' all this time praying the "O" will fail, which is just another way of saying ya'll hope the country will fail, well, you don't have a clue on how to Make Things Work. Spending all this time trying to tear things apart just rips away that thin veneer of righteousness that cloaks your true failings - ya ain't got a clue (ya'll are makin' this stuff up as you go along, ain'tcha?). All ya want is to Rule, not to Govern.

Check it out in the dictionary, folks. There is a substantial difference between those two concepts. In a Democracy, we elect people to Govern. In a klepto-religio-plutocracy as we had for the last eight years, you stage a judicial coup with the intent to Rule.

Last I heard, we kicked King George out over that very difference. Then we kicked out the Other One last year. Ya'll sneak another one into the Big Tent, and sooner or later, We the People will kick that one out, too.


Tuesday, October 13, 2009

PEACE Prize, Fool! Not Piece Prize!

I tell ya, there just ain't no satisfyin' these fools! The "O" Man gets a vote of confidence by the Scandinavian Sweet Hearts, and all these Far Wrong Bozitos think they just elected "O" Prime Minister of the World, or IKEA, whichever has the deeper pockets. So now, if "O" decides to lower troop levels in Far Outistan, these same Bozitos are gonna hurl their lunches at exactly noon on Arbor Day, or some such s**t.

Come on, you Egg Suckers! Get a life of your own. At least try to be a bit original. Ya'll keep comin' off like a broken mimeograph machine pumpin' out last year's school lunch menu from Au Gratin, Alaska or some such. Try attacking, oh, the insurance company's, who, for goddess' sake, are rippin' your sorry asses off same as ours. There, we have something in common. And if you just can't develop a modicum (sorry, I know its a BIG word - it means "just a wee little bit") of impulse control, remember your manners. Oh, sorry. You don't have any. OK, I won't do that again.

By the way, since yer so pissed off at the Prez for getting the Prize, tell us - what have YOU done lately to be more deserving? What have your leaders done? Come on, Rush! Blow-hard on that for a while, eh? Until you Far Wrong jokers actually DO something, as opposed to always tearing stuff down and pissing on your own country, ya'll can just take a slow train to Oslo or sumpin'. All your leaders ever get is the Piece Prize.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Calling All Conservatives - The Deficit You Don't Know, Will Definitely Hurt You (And the Rest of Us)

So having Big Debt is a bad thing, right? Running Monster Deficits leads the way to Moral Decay and Lower Profits - am I reading that right? I want to make sure I understand what all this fuss about the Bailout, and all things Big Guvmint are doing to Destroy the Fabric of the Capitalist System, 'cuz I don't want ya'll to come back at me with that nyah-nyah-nyah s**t, OK?

What if I told you about an even Bigger Debt, a Truly Gargantuan Deficit? One that makes the current US of A's look like kindergarten lunch money? Wouldn't that alarm you? Would your fiscal conservative self get all riled up and Demand The Guvmint Do Something About IT? Or, would you just yawn and say, no worry, it's not our problem? The grandkids can carry the load? Well, guess what? Now's your chance to step up to your conservative credentials. That is, if ya got the spine for it. Well, do ya?

This I found at a Middle Eastern news site. The freakin' Middle East, fer cri-yi!! NOT on the front pages of any US paper that I can see. If I'm wrong, I'll be glad to bite my own hand in repentance, but still... Earth Overshoot Day was September 24. A coupla weeks back. Did you hear about this? No? Well, neither did I, until now. You want deficit? I'll give ya deficit, binky! Here's a pithy excerpt:

"From now until the end of the year, we will meet our ecological demand by depleting resource stocks and accumulating greenhouse gases in the atmosphere.

Since the mid 1980s, humanity has been demanding ecological services faster than the planet can regenerate them, a condition known as ecological overshoot.  We now use in less than 10 months the amount of resources it takes 12 months for nature to generate, according to Global Footprint Network data.

“It’s a simple case of income versus expenditures,” said Global Footprint Network President Mathis Wackernagel. “For years, our demand on nature has exceeded, by an increasingly greater margin, the budget of what nature can produce. 

The urgent threats we are seeing now – most notably climate change, but also biodiversity loss, shrinking forests, declining fisheries, soil erosion and freshwater stress – are all clear signs: Nature is running out of credit to extend.”"
Source: BI-ME , Author: BI-ME staff
(Emphasis added by moi)

And you are trying to get me upset about a coupla trillion buckaroos? Give me a break. 

You want me to care about THAT deficit, you start showing some REAL concern with REAL action about this one, without all that namby-pamby "ooh, our economy, ooh, our poor banks, ooh, our poor ideology" bull-pucky. Until then, zip it. You are welcome to go down with YOUR ship. But when you try to sink everyone else with you, fugedaboudit!

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Christ! What a Headache!

Sah-Rah, the Quitter from Up There, is now telling the President what to do about foreign policy and the battle in Afghanistan. She didn't know how to deal with her own State troopers, couldn't be bothered to do the job she was actually (shudder) elected to do, is not exactly a Truther in the Family Values Derby, and she thinks spouting off about what the Prez should do about troop levels is actually in her league? Chwpofiuiasllpustfgkkkkkhhh - uh, sorry, choked on my corn flakes there. What was I saying? Oh, yeah. That recalcitrant almost son-in-law of hers? The one spillin' the Palin Secrets all over the whatsits and the whosits? He has been invited (I am NOT making this up) to appear, in all his undeveloped glory, on the Playgirl web site.

Sporting, one supposes, the biggest set of moose antlers you have ever seen!

At least he's being consistent, unlike his baby momma's momma. Now, if we could just get She-Whose-Name-Must-Not-Be-Spoken to quit speaking of that which She knows nothing, to those of whom it may be said know even less, about those who know considerably more, and tire of hearing from the far fringes of the Solar System that She knows better, when it is clear She does not, and yet smirks in that creepy, Bush-like fashion.

When its SO clear she does not.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Hey, Don't Say I Didn't Warn You - Pull Back That Curtain, Toto!

Years ago, after the Supreme Court conducted their coup and placed their frat-boy puppet in the White House, and we ended up with eight years of Tricky Dick and his lap dog running the country into the ground, my wife turned to me and said (no joke - she actually said this) "I think we are going to have a third party, and it's going to grow out of the fiscal conservative, socially moderate Republicans and the Blue Dog Dems." Well, I can't say she didn't warn me. A recent op-ed piece by conservative columnist David Brooks  of the New York Times finally has it right about the Rabid Wrong spew-jocks like Beck et. al. There is no there there.

Folks on the (so-called) progressive wing nut side of the aisle, as well as the liberal elite (whatever) need to get a grip, and I don't mean on their hand-held devices (shudder). These are nothing more than loud mouth,  mealy-mouthed, bigoted jerks. And you all KNOW that. So - why do you continue to give them any more attention than you'd give, oh, I don't know, Grover Cleavland? Its like chumming for sharks. When you dump your outrage against them into the water, they move in for the kill. I mean, duh! Ignore the bozittos, fer cri-yi!

Allow me to quote a bit:" matter how often their hollowness is exposed, the jocks still reweave the myth of their own power. They still ride the airwaves claiming to speak for millions. They still confuse listeners with voters. And they are aided in this endeavor by their enablers. They are enabled by cynical Democrats, who love to claim that Rush Limbaugh controls the G.O.P. They are enabled by lazy pundits who find it easier to argue with showmen than with people whose opinions are based on knowledge. They are enabled by the slightly educated snobs who believe that Glenn Beck really is the voice of Middle America."

Now, my wife seldom makes political predictions, so no one is more surprised than me to see so many actually intelligent conservatives finally get it. And I now suspect her prediction is on the verge of coming true. The true "loyal opposition" has been co-opted by the Babbling Brunhilda's of the Barbary Boast, who will, mark my (and my wife's) words, throw out the baby with the globally-warmed bathwater, and putsch out the real conservatives. Who now have no place like home, being forced instead to vote for the Ice Witch from Nome - er - up There.

Can you here me now? How 'bout now? Down, Toto, down!

Monday, October 5, 2009

In The News - Ya Can't Make This Stuff Up, Kids!

Headline from U.S. News & World Report -

Autism May Be More Common Than Thought

Which explains Rush Limbaugh.

From BBC News:

Gas mask bra traps Ig Nobel prize

See what happens when you cut funding for basic research?


There is some truth in ‘Paranormal Activity’ 

Well, that explains Glen Beck, eh?

From YahooTech:

Anti-Wi-Fi paint keeps your wireless signal to yourself

So who needs clothes? Now, if they could just come up with something that would cause those Wrong Winger parrots to keep their volume at reading room levels.

From Reuters:

Pakistan's Taliban chief alive, meets reporters

Promises an exclusive to the same reporters when he's dead, Will fill them in on the virgin situation.

Like I said, ya can't make this s**t up. 




Friday, October 2, 2009

But Seriously, Folks!

To get back to the roots of this blog, allow me to ruin your day. Achmah-diddy-jah wants to wipe Israel off the map. You-go Chavez wants to wipe that smile off the face of Uncle Sam. Uncle Sam wants to wipe the slate clean in Kabul. The Far Wrong wants to wipe out Liberalism, Socialism, Communism, and Pointillism. And not a-one of them is content to use Easy Wipes - they want to opt for the "Really Big Shoe."

The economies of the World are sinking faster than John Belushi in a bad skit. The cost of curing a hangnail could build a new battleship. H1N1 is coming over for dinner tonight, and he's bringing friends. The new Fall season on ABC sucks worse than the quicksand in the Kalahari. And we STILL don't know the Truth about Bill O'Really's birth de-certification.

Now, most of us have come to terms with all this hoo-haw through the Magic of Rationalization and Denial, staring David Copperfield. But Vegas acts tend to get stale pretty quickly. Well, don't you fret. There IS a solution to your ennui and overall dissatisfaction with the low level of nuclear fear you've had to endure. Its called Global Warming. Or, if you just can't bring yourself to say those two words, global climate shift. Hey, you're right, that DOES feel less worrisome. Thanks!

There is this little bon-mot called "unintended consequences." It is often used to refer to what happens when a government does something extra-special for their "extra-special friends," as opposed to something for their "citizens." Their "citizens" more often than not end up taking it in the shorts. But another, less noticeable consequence of  the "unintended" type is how they serve to keep our eyes OFF the ball. Remember how upset we were with Vietnam? Remember all the noise we made, all the target practice the National Guard was getting, how all the cities went nutty and all? Remember that stuff? Remember Watergate? Oh, we did get upset. "Didn't see that one coming," we all moaned. Well, kiddies, that was because we TOOK OUR EYES OFF THE BALL! Nixon wasn't called Tricky Dick for nothing, but we went and paid WAY too much attention to, oh, sudden-death rock star syndrome or something, and surprise! As my Grandma used to say, Pish. No, not Phish - she only listened to Classical music. Pish, sometimes rendered "Pish-Posh, until some Spicy Girl ruined it for Grandmas everywhere.

We took our eyes off the ball, and we paid the price. In fact, we are STILL paying the price for Tricky Dicknose and His Crime Spree Buddies. See how un-outraged we are at the former Poobah and his sidekick, Georgy-Porgy? After all, we should all know, if it isn't one Dick, its another. The lesson is, if the Guvmint violates the Constitution, they get a pass. But if you or I raise a toke to Mary, watch those asses fry!

Now, you are at this point saying to yourself, "Self, what the hell does all that pish-posh have to do with Global Warming stuff? I mean, sure, all that hot air from the impoliticians, but what's so new about that? Get the hell to the point, dammit!"

OK, sure. Its all about TAKING OUR EYES OFF THE BALL. In this case, more like taking our eyes off the globe. Here's another great saying (I love sayings - I'm always sayin' stuff,) Nature Bats Last. While we are busy ranting and raving about all the other Holy Crap! items that are nothing more than a continuation of the Twentieth Century, the ice caps are continuing to melt. That cute, cuddly canary in the coalmine, the polar bear, is dancin' with the Big Sleep. Weather patterns have gone all Twilight-Zony on us. (BTW, today is the fiftieth anniversary of the first Twilight Zone broadcast. Bless you, Rod Serling!) Hurricanes are far more hurricany, tornadoes are worse than ever, sea levels a'risin', and David Boehner just won't shut up. But are we ready to take this as seriously as we should? Are we ready to start giving up some of our "comforts?" You know, all that stuff we have that poorer countries don't have, but are going to have, whatever it takes? Even if it takes the Big Shitstorm? Hell, no!

We are Humans, dammit! We have the "right" to have whatever we damn well please, and if'n ya try to take it away from us, well, we are better armed than anyone else on the planet. Go ahead and try!

But, I take solace in that afore-mentioned saying - Nature Bats Last. We are as usual taking our eye off the ball, so when we finally drown in the ocean we have so ardently polluted, or are buried under the mountain of junk we all hold so dear, Nature will survive. We will finally shut our collective mouths, and the birds will be able to hear each other again. So I don't really worry too much. Too many people anyway, most of who hold to the belief that all human life is precious, unless its somewhere else, another color, committed a crime, smells funny, or disagree with US. Oh, and no birth control, dammit! God wants more puppies, er, peoples? Anyway, like I said, I don't worry too much - we will achieve zero population one way or another.

Like I said, if it ain't one dick, its another. So take the Pill.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

You Lie! No, YOU Do! Nuh-uh, You Do!

Sad. Just sad. Those poor GOPhers get dissed by the Demon-crats by having one of their own rebuked for shouting out the "L" word during a speech by the Prez, calling the measure "partisan." uh...duh? So now they demand the Demon-crats rebuke one of THEIR own for daring to call out the Retreads on their roadblocking any reasonable health scare bill by telling fellow Members (funny word, eh? Considering what it is also often used for?) the GOPher plan is to 1. tell people to "not get sick," and 2. if they do get sick, "please die quickly." Now, Congressman Grayson, or "Robin" to those who know about his secret life, was simply saying that the constant nay-saying by the GOPhers can only mean one thing - they don't want anyone to get sick. And what's wrong with that, I ask you?

I'll tell you. (You saw that coming, didn't you?) There is a saying that is as old as dirt - you can't have it both ways. And yet, the GOPher's DO want it both ways (They're bi-coastal, ya know?) They want their own gold-plated "government run" health plan, with all the bells, whistles and face lifts, while making sure their "constituents" (insurance, pharma, etc.) continue to get THEIR gold-plated, government supported and approved monopolies (which, if you think about it ((and I know you can)) IS a government-sponsored health care system, working day and night to keep those particular constitutents healthy and fat,) and that will also continue to fund the re-election joy-ride. So how can they be faulted for representing their constituents?

I'm tellin'ya, those Demon-crats need to show some respect!