Thursday, December 31, 2009

End of the Year, er, Decade As We Know It. Yawn...

As decades go, you have to say this one has been pretty much Bush league. Kinda smorgasbord-y, ya know? Stolen elections, terror, more terror, full emergence into the light of day by the Far Wrong, financial ruin, insane Congress - I mean, that all you got??!! Even if I take one from column A, and three from column B, that still leaves me with, well, unemployment for the masses? OK, OK, ya got me on that one. But lets take a minute to ponder some hineys, er, hindsight, eh?

After Ken Lay screwed over millions, and all those other greed-meisters up to and most certainly including Bernie "I Got Mine" Madoff (yeah, he sure did,) finished us off, we figured, well, we just might make it despite those robber barons. Oh, how the gullible will set themselves up. Yup. Down comes the house of Vegas cards that is Wall Street. Uh, with all our money. Say bye-bye, 401K. Say arevaderche to that pension, suckers. Toodle-loo, oh job of mine. So long, home-owner dreams. Wow, it's great to be an Amurica, ain't it, Glenny Beck? Sure is patriotic to shout at everyone we disagree with, right, O'Really? And She-Rah! Hows things goin' when you're rouge runs, huh? Well, I guess we musta felt really inadequate to the mullahs over there, so we went and hired a few of our own.

That's Ayatollah-ya-so to you, citizen!

Yeah, 2010's gonna be a great year. Ya just feel it comin' atcha, don't ya?


Great, just great.

Toodle-loo, Bucky.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Let's All Fly Naked!

If it wasn't for the nasty scar where I had that totally righteous "extension" surgery last fall, I'd say naked security checks are the wave of the future. But I'm not sure I'd want to be the one to cause terminal shame to all those poor slobs at the TSA - they might not recover in time to do a thorough job on the old lady behind me in line. But....if that's what we have to do to keep the flying public safe, well, what they hey! Besides - might even get a film contract out of the deal, ya never know!

Mi esposa, on the other hand, is damned pissed off with that idiot Nigerian - he sets his pants on fire, and now everyone else has to drop theirs. And she ain't so sure she wants anyone getting a gander on HER surgical results. No, no, I'll say no more!!

The thing that's really got my (soon to be dropped) shorts in a bunch is the totally fruitcake idea of making everyone stay in their seats for the last freakin' hour of the flight. Really? That gonna go over big anywhere YOU can think of? 'Cuz with MY prostate, well, they damn well be ready to hand out Depends, especially if we can't even cover up the accident with a lap blanky anymore. I don't think those boneheads have really thought this thing through. Hell - all any slightly intelligent terrorist will have to do is visit the little terrorist's room five minutes before lockdown, and he won't even have any of those pissed-off passengers to deal with. Way to go dudes!!!

As for the equally boneheaded Far Wrongers making whoopee over Obama's delay in saying what THEY demand he say, let's do a little historic replay, shall we:

It's early in the morning on September 11, 2001, and GW Bush is reading "MY Pet Goat" to a kindergarten class in Florida. And some observers point out the damn book was upside down, but why quibble - If you are Bushie, it reads the same either way. So when the Secret Service guy or whoever comes into the classroom and whispers into our Fearless Leader's ear tube, how does the Bushman react?

He sits there for an additional several minutes. Then, he gets on a plan and fly's around trying to finish the damn book, as far as anyone really knows.

Obamaman, on the other hand, waits until all the facts are available, regarding an attack that failed, and then comes out forcefully demanding a full investigation into the lapses in security that contributed to this jerkwad's even getting as far as he did. Funny though - he never once uses the word, "crusade." And has yet to say the word - yellow cake - or make calls to various county's in search of special rendition possibilities. So I kinda doubt he even begins to compare to the fallen Ayatolah, Bush.

So here's a heads-up to the Ayatollahs O'Really and Becky Boy: I see yer jaws flappin' but I ain't hearing anything helpful coming out of either of the two pieholes, ya dig?

See, I don't really for a minute think the Far Wrong has once considered the impact of their insanity on the country as a whole  - for them its all, if'n not for me, I ain't doin' squat!." Specially fer the damn the country, 'cuz them damn liberals refuse to leave. So its our ball, and we are taikn' it home, homey.

The real question here is, which damn country we gonna bomb next: Swaziland? New Jersey?

Doesn't really matter though: Those bastardey will only be able to sellin more recuitment posters.

Well, toodles - see ya next decade, (if you can't accept the Aughties any longer.

Monday, December 28, 2009

Its Nearly 2010 - Run!!!

Technically speaking, the world "ends" whenever someone dies - at least for them, it does. But otherwise, this entire notion of "the end times" is nothing more than a fear plot by the fear mongers, same as it ever was, as my good friend D. Byrne once said. Trouble is, P. T. Barnum had it right - there IS a sucker born every minute. There are also far too many fear hucksters for the food chain to support. And ain't it grand how the Good Old US of A seems to keep conning itself into this weird belief that such lies and the "right" to believe in same are just part of the "freedoms we enjoy, here in the Good Old, etc." And, I might add, ad nauseum.

Yet, its really not any different from the lies told and ritualistically believed in by other cultures, whether the lies be of a religious, political, or cultural bent? From the insane schisms of Islam, to the equally insane endless revenge cycles in Ireland, Afghanistan, Rawanda, or wherever, the operative term is always "insane." And those among such populations who do not support these beliefs are victimized by them anyway. In fact, if one decides to not take sides, one or both "sides" will make that decision for these recalcitrant non-believers. You know, like the tea baggers.

Case in point: those Ultra-Wrong Religious Nut Jobs on the Far Wrong Fringe, are all teed off about a group of atheists who had the effrontery to get a permit to post their own sign inside the Illinois Legislature, along side a nativity scene, an evergreen tree with decorations, and (a few days earlier) a menorah. Seems this really pissed off the state Comptroller, apparently a self-avowed Far Wronger, who tried to remove the sign, but was prevented by the capital police from doing so, and promptly escorted from the building.

"William J. Kelly calls the sign, placed by the Freedom from Religion Foundation, "hate speech," saying it mocks the views of believers, reported. He announced Tuesday he was going to try to remove it and made his attempt Wednesday, only to be detained by police.

"I don't think the State of Illinois has any business denigrating or mocking any religion, and I think that's what the verbiage on the sign was doing," Kelly said." (I might add - nor any business in the promotion thereof.)

"The group's message reads: "At the time of the winter solstice, let reason prevail. There are no gods, no devils, no angels, no heaven or hell. There is only our natural world. Religion is just myth and superstition that hardens hearts and enslaves minds."

So - it looks like Kelly here believes its OK to mock and deny access to everyone else's point of view, but state that point of view in his place of work (state, NOT church) and off he goes!!

Looks like what Kelly does NOT believe in is peace on Earth, goodwill toward man.

Which pretty much sums up the entire problem, eh?

Peace out,

Notumbus Bumbus

Friday, December 25, 2009

Happy Non-Denominational Holiday and Seersucker Sale, 3 Days Only!

Yeah, yeah, happy ho-ho and all that "stuff." I don't subscribe to any particular "thang" myself, but I have the same attitude toward one as I do toward all: please, PLEASE, keep yer peanut brickle off my plate!!! Now, I respect yer right to believe whatever, so long as you don't try to slap in onto my plate, ya dig? But I do take exception to folks who think they have some right, nay, DUTY, to try and cram their own convictions down other people's throats - I don't care if they are Christian, Muslim, Jew, Hindu, Republican, or Pailinoid - ain't mine, don't want it, and I'll pee on yer dog if ya keep tryin' ta shove it down mine!

That said, got a nice pair of fuzzy slippers from the spouse today, bit too warm for up here in Nome, but what the hey, it's the thought and all that. Got the spouse one o' them iPodsicles, nice to have something to listen to whilst takin' an ice shower. And new mukluks fer the sled poodle, plus earwarmers fer the poochaneese fighting cod fish. Got the gift certificate to Joey Lumperman's last election defeat, comin' up next year down there in the Lowered Expectations 48. And the ho-ho-lidays would not be complete without the nice gift from Uncle Ralphy, six and a half gallons of Cuban rum and one straw. Gotta stay warm up here, as She-Rah, the Moose Queen, has prohibited any hint of global warming hereabouts.

Reminds me - gotta get out the sno-blower. Got moose totally coverin' the drive. Makes it really hard to keep yer eyes on those damn Ruskies.You know how they always want to steal our holiday cheer.

Toodles. And don't forget to appreciate that wonderful holiday sound, blasting from malls all over Amurica -

Ka-Ching, ka-ching, bada bing!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

So? - It's Not Our Fault, Anyway

OK, lets say there really is no such thing as Global Warming, or, what the hell, that we, puny furry bipeds that we are, bear no responsibility for it should it "actually" come true. Lets just say that, OK? Let us instead pose a somewhat different hypothetical situation, and lets see how all you naysayers out there might respond should this hypothetical scenario ever hit the headlines, or, Goddess forbid, Al Gore ever makes a movie about it.

(The first announcement:)

"Scientists from three continents confirmed today the approach of a massive meteor on an unavoidable collision course with Earth. Its current speed and trajectory indicate it will hit in the Arctic region north of Russia, and is the size of Iceland. Authorities from the US, Russia, and France today announced a joint task force to send all nuclear weapons into space to impact on the meteor in hopes this action will either deflect the meteor, or break it up into small enough pieces that the impact and subsequent damage will be minimized. Should this attempt fail, or be delayed by as much as one day, it would mean the end of civilization. Scientists predict the loss of life could exceed 3 billion people. The loss of habitat and land under cultivation will mean the potential extinction of most of the species on the planet, and a vastly diminished food supply. The dust from the impact will obscure the sun for hundreds of years, and will trigger a new and rapid onset ice age. The President, Barack Obama, has appealed for calm, and for all Americans, and indeed all the people of the world, to pray to their gods for intercession. More news at 11."

(The Next day:)

"Members of the Republican Party, led by media personalities Glen Beck and Bill O'Reilly, and accompanied by Sarah Palin, issued a statement today calling the reports of an impending planet-busting meteor impact a "patent hoax, as revealed by some purloined emails that state meteors are an invention of liberal scientists who just want to wreck our economy." Beck added, "Besides, if it really is what they say it is, and I seriously doubt they know what they are saying about anything that I disagree with, the problem isn't ours, it's the damn Russians. Let them use their own money and nukes to fix their own problem - we didn't exactly cause this problem now, did we?"

(2 years after impact)

The Island Nations of North America today issued an all-points alert for the capture of Glen Beck, Bill O'Reilly, and Sarah Palin for crimes against common human sense. A reward of One Million peso-bucks is offered for information leading to their capture. Please contact the Inter-Island Interim Legal Directorate for further information, or to make any report on this matter."

(3 years after Beck's capture:)

"Your honor, though I doubt you have any, I object to having to answer to you or any other liberal, scientist, or so-called Constitutional officer for merely bringing up the thoughts that were in so many people's minds about believing anything the Government of that Kenyan, Obama, was lying to all Americans about. All this destruction wasn't caused by any so-called meteor, but by illegal aliens from Hawaii and Africa who can't even prove they were born. I have proof they have no proof, so I know I am right, and you are..." (transcript unavailable. Recording indicates a snorting sound followed by a heavy thud and a squishing sound.)

The verdict was announced in the following day's Public Email - guilty, and dead by his own large head falling off onto the courtroom floor. O'Reilly and Pailin's trials begin tomorrow.

Or at least, that's what I think will happen. And if I can think it would happen, then who am I to say it won't?

And if I am  right, what does that make you?

Monday, December 21, 2009

Scrooge Changed HIS Stripes - The Odds Are Not So Good For O'Really, I Suspect

Normally this time of year, at least among the Xmass cognoscenti, the name Ebenezer Scrooge conjures images of sugar plums slammed upside the head. Stingy, nasty, hum-bug spewing hate-meister. But in case you never did the research yourself, here's a fine how-do-ya-do about the Big Skinflint. It turns out the name "Ebenezer" is fraught (finally - I got to use that word!!) with historic implications. According to one source, it is defined as "The name Eben-Ezer also means "God has led us thus far" or "Thus far God has helped us" according to 1 Samuel 7:12." (Some ancient gnostic texts, however, claim it has the added meaning of, "yeah, fat chance," but this cannot be independently confirmed.) The most general explanation is "a place of refuge."  The same source states "One school of thought believes that it stems from a grave marker for an Ebenezer Lennox Scroggie. The marker identified Scroggie as a “meal man” (corn merchant), but Dickens misread this as “mean man”.[1]  (Well, "mealy-mouthed" does come to mind.)

When one looks at the transformation of the character by the end of the story, one can begin to appreciate how redemption and the quest for forgiveness brings one refuge from the travails of the world. Remember, however - this is a work of fiction, albeit with an intention to cause a teachable moment in that sordid era of early industrial England.

And here we are again, in post-industrial America, hobbled by war, debt, failed policies, etc., and who has the loudest voice shouting down all and everyone? Bull "Scrooge" O'Really, that's who. And I have serious doubts even the third ghost has a shot at reaching this humbug-spewing, hate-loving, cold-hearted bastard's soul.

But hey, Merry and Happy, and as Tiny Timothy once said, "Bless us, everyone." But under his breath he added, "good luck on that for you, O'Really. Good luck for anything at all."

And somehow, I think he really meant it, the little saint.

Ah, fiction. Never have to answer for it. Ain't it grand?

Toodles, and cheerio!

Sunday, December 20, 2009

You Do It Your Way, We'll Screw It Up OUR Way!

Don't it just tickle yer pinky's, folks, how if there's away to make things worse, we hu-mans are the real Champ-eens on that front? We can mess up the most pristine nature, we can mess up most any culture you can name, why, we can even really mess up our own habitat to the point where we can't even live in it anymore! Now, tell me - can any other creature on this planet even TOUCH our record??!!

HELL, no!

We are so damn good at screwing things up, we can't even help doing so when we supposedly want to "turn the boat around." The whole freakin' WORLD goes to Copenhagen, and uses as much carbon as 40,000 Amuricans do in ONE FREAKIN' DAY! Lets see a penguin do THAT!!! And, to top off the sundae, we succeed - in not getting a damn thing done! Whoo-hoo!! We are the CHAMPIONS!

See, its critical to our self-importance that we do an even better job at extinction events than those stupid dinosaurs. Hell, they were just big LIZARDS.  We, damn it, are HU-MANS. Take THAT!!! And we don't need no stinkin' meteors, ya dig? We can do it with a simple piece of coal, and the hot, self-serving air of the wealthy and obscenely selfish people who sit at the top of the food chain. Who, by some as-yet-to-be-revealed secret hand-shake technique, have conned many other fellow hu-mans into agreeing to believe in easy-to-use double-speak, to buy in to the "the world is not heating up and if it is its not our fault so we don't need to do squat" mentality.

Do ya think there's an Oscar for that?

Well if there isn't, there damn well should be! Go, Hu-Mans!!


Friday, December 18, 2009

How Dare You Call Us Racist, We Accept All White Peoples!

So this is what its come to, eh? As my Cannuck friends would say. Pile up a load onto the back of a black man, then vilify him when he doesn't "perform" to your liking (and crowing, behind closed doors, that you KNEW "that one" wouldn't be able to "handle" the pressure.) And even when you find a black man (who isn't really black - he's cafe au lait) who you "admire" for his accomplishments, as soon as he shows he is human like the rest of us, (well, I'm not so sure about that guy over there) you line up to push him over the edge. Even when he did the same thing a white politician did (who gets a little slap on the wrist,) you stomp on the fella with so much glee its actually more disturbing than his behavior.

This is a field day for all the hypocrite racists out there (remember the song, "Smiling Faces Sometimes," recorded first by The Temptations, and then by The Undisputed Truth?) They can spin the story any way they choose, then act all "upset" when they are called on the true nature of their behavior. "We are outraged, having these people call US racists. We demand an apology!!!" Right. An apology? From people who your ilk have been happy to s**t on for several hundred years? Good luck on that, Jack.

Ya see, nothing changes. Assholes are still assholes, greedy bastards are still greedy bastards, hypocrites are still hypocrites. Makes ya feel all gooey inside, don't it?

And what does everyone else do? They freakin' backpedal!!! Come on, people! Grow a backbone! The jerkwads in the media go apeshit over every thing the bozitos scream about, and then get all defensive when called on their own complicity! Give me a freakin' break!

Here's a little piece of truth about the media, folks. Most of the time, OK, nearly ALL of the time, the media considers the word "objectivity", and the phrase "corroborate the story" as laugh lines to most of the jokes they tell down at the pub. The on-going game of denying any responsibility for what "the people" do with what the media reports is truly disgusting.. But what the hell - it IS the American way.

To paraphrase another black man, "Why can't we just leave Tiger alone?"

Oh, you thought I was talking about someone else? Well, whatever you want.

Don't let me stand in the way of the truth.

There's plenty of people doing THAT just fine.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Don't Buy Global Climate Change? How Exactly Do You Plan to Stay Afloat?

Ever fill a bathtub? Ever "go too far"? You know - have the bloody thing over-flow? Sure you have. Don't worry, we won't tell your Mom - yet. Here is what happens, just in case that brain fog created by watching too much Glenny Beck O'Really stalls the recall, Bucko. One moment the water is at the brim - following? The next moment, its all over the floor, leaking through the ceiling, all over your Dad's old record collection with those obscure groups like The Beattles and The Kinks. And you just KNOW Dads gonna whale the tar out of your behind. And you start working on some entirely new (you think!) excuse for why it happened that does NOT include, well, you? Hey, don't try to change the subject!

Anyhoo. The example herein should help you "slow learners" to just start to "get" the real impact of global climate change. You know - rising sea levels? I like to start with the easy concepts, ya dig? If you want a visual to help wrap your minds around things like, say, losing Florida, watching the New York Marathon underwater, or saying a final goodbye to the little island of Tuvalu, take a look here. Sure, we all thought Water World was a stinker, though you have to admit, gills on Kevin Costner was a distinct improvement. But it may soon be time to work on your own slimy bad guy outfit to go with that busted-up Ski-do, 'cuz the water is a'risin', my friends.

But worry not!! There is a new world waiting for us all - a mere 43 light years away, and if we're lucky, the water levels should have lowered a bit by the time we arrive, and we can start all over again, and take up our perpetual war right where we left off! I'm tellin' ya, Bucko, it gets me all warm and squishy inside just thinkin' about it. Already got my own aqua lung, wet suit, and short board, and a life-time supply of super-shark repellent.

You, on the other hand, can go fish!


Insurance Reform is What We Need - When do We Want It? Never, Apparently

Oh, hell. Just shoot the poor beast and put it out of its misery, for decency's sake. This entire laugh riot taking over anything remotely resembling a soul of the Congress of the United Corporations is beyond the pale. Which of course is one of the primary symptoms (as any decent nurse's aide can tell you,) of politicalis sypholoccocus. And yes, Virginia, you CAN catch it from any direct trust of aforesaid institution. And pretty much the entire bunch, both sides of the "aisle" are doing their best to spread the infection. And you are still worried about H1N1?

And Prez? Where did he go for such a long vacation? If he cannot step up to the plate and use the bully pulpit (as opposed to the Repugnicants using it on him,) well, lets just find some way to console ourselves at being allowed to get fooled again (Oh Pete Townsend, where are ye when we need ye?) Guys turning out to be an empty suit - all smoke and mirrors, fully compromised. Step up to the plate, dude! You got a freakin' MANDATE, fer cri-yi! You get elected in an historic election, hold out that "hope" crap, and everyone is eating out of your hand. You go all "bi" on us, which sure does sound grand, don't it? But after these Repugnicant slime-balls spit on every overture, you just keep laying down askin' fer more of the same abuse. What kind of drug they put in yer tap water over there, anyway?

Look, this thing is easy-peazy, ya dig? Just go to LittleSis and listen to what she's tellin' us all: there ain't more than a small handful of so-called "people's representatives" with an ounce of integrity. Seems it doesn't take as much as you might think to buy the politicians you need to get things your way, every damn time. You think the Demoncrats are fightin' the good fight? Well, I recommend Imodium (TM) today and every day till the end of time, or you are gonna ruin many a pair o' undies, let me tell you! And THAT is just the Demoncrats!

As for the so-called health care bill? Just another insurance plan for the insurance and pharma companies.

But then, deep in your heart of hearts - you already knew that, didn't you?

So. What are you going to do about it?

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Call a Spade a Duck if You Like, But I Still Can't Dig It.

"Health Care Reform?" Who the hell are they kidding? Bozitos on the Far Wrong want everyone to be scared, very scared, about a "government takeover," like that hasn't already happened with our roads, our military, our taxes, well, you get my drift. And bozitos on the Too Righteous end of the spectrum think a "public option" is equated with the Third Coming (what, you missed the Second? Pay less attention to your TV this time, silly,) and, just as those on the other end of the teeter-totter, have failed to read the fine print.

And fine it is! First, the very name of this bill (you'll know its a bill when it shows up in the mail,) is a piece of perfect deception. This whopper is actually better called the "Insurance Company Windfall and Christmas Present for Lobbyist's" bill. There are so many loopholes, hidden goodies, and squirm room in this mutha that it seems all the opponents are "right" about the monster, but as usual, for all the wrong reasons.

The so-called "public option" was dead on arrival anyway. The insurance companies have never been, and never will be, champions of "free enterprise." Hell, "free enterprise" just means businesses have the right to shove their "enterprise" freely down our throats, especially those with "financial instruments." Don'tcha love that term? I mean, what else would those greed-mongers use to operate on our skulls with, anyway? And don't even PRETEND they're sterile, except insofar as the wielders of these "instruments" are sterile to any fallout or "reform."

Folks, here's the truth - we have been getting screwed over by the insurance (read: protection rackets) companies, the banks, the credit card industry, the credit ratings firms, and all their little "ilk" for so long we can't even tell when they change positions, and keep on screwing us as though it were a walk in the park, and we had to do it on the grass. And as long as we keep playing their game THEIR way, you betcha we better make a big investment in lube, just to save our own behinds.

Oh, you think bitching and moaning, electing some other bozito, marching in the streets, petitions, and the like will make a difference? Sad little people. What will it take to shake their tree? Shouting, from whichever side, will do exactly nothing. No, what is necessary, is action. I'm not talking revolution here - that's just a way for another faction to be lining their pockets with the fat cats slut money. No - what we CAN do, is change our own habits as firmly and as aggressively as we can.

Here are just a few ideas:

Take all your money out of your bank, and put it into a credit union. Different rules, not focused on greed, and still insured by FDIC (which of course doesn't mean THAT much these days, but still...) Then, pay off those credit cards as fast as you can, then cut them up, send them back, tell them to go screw themselves. Credit unions offer checking, debit cards, and the like, at much better rates, anyway. Stop buying big-ticket items for one year. Stop buying ANYTHING you don't truly need. Come on - you don't need THREE lattes a day, Cindy, make do with one fewer of everything. Care about the environment? Sorry, public transportation pollutes as much as cars, and don't even go where you want to go. So, walk when you can, bike when you can, and buy gas at those discount station for cash only.

The point of all this is to firmly remind the banks, the insurance companies, the brokers, and those other pirates on Walled-In Street where their REAL money comes from. A month of any combination of three of the above by 50% of the population will get their attention. Two months will "cause consternation." Three months will get those Shills on the Hill to start speechifying. And six months? At six months, you can bet your little pea-pickin' heart there will indeed be panic - on Walled-In Street, across the banking sector, and in the Halls of Congress (TM), and then watch things start to change.

See, what these pirates and highway robbers have done is to con nearly all of us into believing "this is just the price of living in a free society." Well, I'm telling you it ain't. It's nothing more than a self-serving (serving themselves, that is) lie. And every four years, we participate in a great con that has us, yep, you and me, bucko, keeping the lock secure on that Grand Lie. "OH, let's elect Joe, he promised us Heaven," and "OH, he will change everything, all by his little old self." ('Scuze me, gotta gag - there, better now.) Repugnicant, Democrass, and the big laugher, "Independent" be damned - the minute they are "bought" by us the voter/taxpayer/sucker, they're sold to the highest, and sometimes the lesser highest, bidder. And that, Cindy, is how they "do the people's biddnest."

So excuse me if I ain't all in a huff about the so-called "health care" debate, 'cuz believe me, suckers, it isn't anything at all like a debate.

It's just haggling over the spoils. As usual.


Sunday, December 13, 2009

Jerks in the Ascendency: O'Really Really Pokes Self in Eye

The LA Times has a story on the great Bill Moyers, last of the true moralists in media today. Seems this particular Bill is stepping down, figuring that 75 years is as good a time as any to finally retire, maybe write some more books, maybe take the grandkids fishing. Good on him, I say, and may the best await you.

But this is the story of another Bill, a Jerk of the First Magnitude. Seems Bill O'Really? thinks it was he who is responsible for "forcing Moyers off the air."  Talk about a foul stench.This Jerk of Jerks, this King Rat Jerk, who has nothing but bone in his head, actually has the temerity to believe he is a better person than Moyers? If it wasn't so clearly laughable, I'd be projectile vomiting at the very air he occupies.

Let's set the record straight, eh? O'Really doesn't have the talent of a dead gnat - he just yells louder than a wounded pig. Yes, its clear he "speaks" to some "element" such as the teabagger pigletts, but lets be honest - he has the integrity of same mentioned dead gnat, except at least the gnat has the decency to shut up once in a while.

America, let me ask you a question - do you REALLY want this country run by the No Nothing, Care Nothing Party led by O'Really and Glenny Beckandcall? 'Cuz if you do, then I suggest you all just take Alaska and that Moose Queen and play by yourselves. Because I can guarantee - you are in for a real fight.

Most REAL Americans want democracy - not Bluto-ocracy.


Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Tiger Woods Hits She-Rah Pail-In With Nine-Iron, O'Really Calls It "Conspirancy"

As usual, we can trust the news to tell us what is really important. So Tiger (come on, I mean, the name says it all, right?) has been doing a bang-up job playing the field. And a couple of scientists (not unlike MORE than a couple of politicians and pundits and clergy and rant-show hosts) fluffed the numbers and called some other scientists names. And why has Paris disappeared from view (Hint: bulimia)? And She-Rah assumed to tell the Prez what to do (like we care). And, and, well, way too much information about way unimportant things. Poor Cronkite must be rolling over in his grave.

So, America, take a breath. Stop and smell the scented candles. Give yourselves a day off. Pamper your puppies. And for cryin' out loud - turn off the damn noise boxes! After all, 'tis the season and all that jazz. Ya dig?

Consider this: THEY got terrorists - WE got terrorists. They got economic meltdowns - WE got economic meltdowns. See? Globalism actually works!

So lets take a step back and ask ourselves one little question: Why do we seem so obsessed with other people's personal issues? Is it because our own sad little lives are so, well, sad and little? Or because we think we are superior to those whose foibles get aired in public? Got some hard news for you. Go on, sit down. You, yes you, have your own purple warts, your own dire secrets, your own hidden agendas. And so do I. That's why I don't give a rat's ass who is sleeping with who, who is cheating on who, who gave at the orifice and who did not. I don't care who wants to get married, as long as its for love. Or free sex, whichever. If Tiger secretly wanted to be publicly flogged, he would have told us. You really think its going to make a difference in his golf game? Come on! Anyone who can swing a club like that will have more female fans than ever lining the greens on his next tournament, I guarantee it.

As for She-Rah? I hear she and Paris are double-teaming all the boys down on Capital Hill Tavern, live shows every Tuesday night. Getcher tickets now!

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Post-Apoplectic Ramblings

 Yeah, Like They Really Care About My Beach-front Property

Went out yesterday and bought me a dinghy. Decided its best to be prepared, as my old scouting slogan advised. And now I'm looking at cheap property up in the foothills, 'cuz things don't look too good down by the shore. Funny thing is, I don't think the price on inland properties will rise nearly as fast as the sea level - most folks are just too much in denial. Even so, I may try to by a few extra parcels, a little speculatin', if ya get my drift.

Another Damn Fereigner

I love Copenhagen - Little Mermaid, Hans Christian Andersen, water cannons, really big limos. Kinda makes me warm and fuzzy, if a little frustrated. I mean, all the good cheese is out of stock. Some of the people here just can't get their heads out of everyone else's asses. Its far too much fun to yell at people who are trying to move the ball forward, and not nearly as fun to protest and riot in Republicrat country, 'cuz folks tend to get their asses kicked harder therein. And yet...

You Rope 'Em, We Brand 'Em

I was planning on climbing Mt. Whatsahappnin next week, but my rope was stolen. It seems some real yahoo had an idea of ropin' hisself a whale.  I know what yer thinkin' - yer thinkin' I just sit around and make this s**t up, but not this time, no siree! Seems this dumb-ass whale went and intentionally wound itself up in my stolen rope, and then demanded taxpayer dollars to get free of his own mess. I think this "too big to fail" thing has gotten a mite out of control, if ya gets my drift. I plan on writin' my Congressy person to demand they force whales to buy their own rope, and foot their own bills. Its time the fish learned whose in charge of this planet!

Ohio Still Can't Get It Right - The Slow Approach Fails

Those bozitos up Ohio way once again fail to get the big picture. Oh, they started out with great promise, all that paving, and extra-wide freeways and waist lines, but then they go and do some real dumbass thing like this. I mean, how can you expect to get a handle on meaningful population control when you make it a virtue to do a one-up approach? First they go and do their damnedest to restrict abortion, and can't rise to the occasion to balance things out by working out a wholesale execution system. You'd think these losers LIKE to fail. I say we balance things out by arbitrarily turning off lights at blind intersections in a random pattern, perhaps based on the Fibonacci Theorem. Hell, you could institute State-wide gambling on top of it, and probably balance the State budget.

See? Ya gotta learn to think outside the big box malls.

Monday, December 7, 2009

I Can Dream,Can't I?

Last night I had a dream. Nothing unusual about that, I suppose. But some dreams seem so,  well, really real, dontcha think? Oh, I don't mean like, "hey look, I CAN fly," or other such silliness. No, I mean like the dream could be real, or wow, wouldn't it be wonderful if, and that sort of thing.

Anyhoo, as I was saying, I had this dream, that stupidity had been outlawed, making all stupid people outlaws (is that the opposite of in-law?) Now, the initial effect of this was not unlike those poor smokers, confined to wet, cold outdoor locations for the betterment of mankind and such. So the actual impact on those sad sacks was minimal, at least initially. What made things interesting was when several stoopids, as they came to be called, tried to start a demonstration to demand equal rights. Can you say "crackdown?" Overnight, there were "education centers," (no, not re-education centers, as it was reasoned there had been too little education in the first place, so this was a remedial solution, as it were) where the stoopids were sent, in sincere hopes they would somehow grow "out of it," as the parlance came to be.

Anyway. In this dream, I saw all these little Beck and O'Reilly clones being herded into an education center, where, besides being taught to read, they had to learn to stop screaming their little slogans, or, as most of the population called them, "rants." There were some initial failures, well, a couple of really atrocious ones, to be honest, but eventually, the centers had stoopids matriculating into actual people, who understood and abided by things like the Constitution, who showed appreciation for points of view other than their own, and sometimes (and this is really what surprised people the most,) apologized for their prior stupidity and asinine behaviors.

The benefits to society at large were  enormous. Congress, re-invigorated with intelligence and bi-partisan cooperation, passed more, and more effective, legislation in one year than Congress in the previous twenty years had managed to do. Corporations actually started to contribute to the Nation's well-being, not merely to their "bottom lines," a phrase that took on new meaning, especially in the world of haute couture, where fashion models suddenly learned the value to the brands they represented by smiling (admittedly, there were several cases that required plastic surgery to repair the damage.) Within a few short years, the practice spread to other nations, and by the year 2075, the U.N. became the de-facto arbiter of disputes between nations, which all nations agreed to abide by. That year, the U.S. elected the first Ph.D. to the Presidency. When President Natalie Rodriguez took her oath of office, she said,"I wouldn't be where I am today if it hadn't been for those stoopids who went before me, and allowed me the chance to rise from the poverty of  my grand-parent's time, to gain the education promised to every person in America."

Just as she was about to say something about world peace, I woke up. Yeah, I know. Just a dream. But, who knows - maybe one day, no one will want to be seen as stupid. Especially those who can't see how stupid they really are.

As you might suspect, I'm not holding my breathe. 'Cuz that would just be stoopid.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Don't Try to Make Me Think - It Hurts Too Much. Or - Yes Glenny, Pigs WILL Fly.

It seems the Far Looney Wrong doesn't have enough things to play Twizzler with. I mean, they gots their "birthers," and their "truthers," and their "climate skeptics,"and what all. And we KNOW how much these fringe-sicles like to take a tiny inconsistency in the facts of something, and make those inconsistencies "mean" the thing itself is, well, a lie. Or (and don't we all just love it,) a "conspiracy." So it really comes as no surprise these same nut jobs have taken some inconsistencies and even a few stoopid remarks by a couple of climate researchers (stolen, I might add - a point that has gotten surprisingly little comment from anyone) and claim these minutia are "proof" there really is no climate change.

Now, where I come from, saying the sun is green don't make it so. You might want it to be green, you might run around tryin' to tell folks its green, but no matter how hard you try, or how loud you yell, the damn thing stays yellow. And that is why the folks in white coats needs ta have a look at ya.

So what the hell difference does it really make, that a coupla sad-sack researchers try to fudge their numbers? I mean, it ain't as if these few yutz's represent the entire field of research, ya dig? Besides, it just might be that, having to conduct research in East Anglia, fer cry-yi, just makes folks do stoopid things. The actual truth of the matter is, the vast preponderance (oops - sorry for the big words again,) of the evidence, of which more than 98% of ALL climate researchers agree and concur, and are trying desperately to get the rest of us yahoos to wake up to, tells us we furry bipeds may be on a path to do to ourselves, (and every other poor creature sittin' in this stew with us) what it usually takes a serious comet smackin' into the planet like a banked shot down at Louie's Billiards would do. And I don't know about you bozitos out there, but I for one do NOT plan on movin' to the Himalayas just to have beach front property.

So, lets talk facts. Yes,I said FACTS. 1. The sea level IS rising, yep, and QUITE well documented at this point. 2. The glaciers, the freakin' ice caps, the big-ass Greenland ice sheet, and Murray's Ski Chalet are all melting at a faster rate than was even predicted LAST YEAR. Which partially explains #1. 3. (I like this one - 'cuz most folks take a few minutes to actually GET the implications) The freakin' permafrost is melting, and fast. Permafrost. Folks, people in Alaska, and in every community above the Arctic Circle, are facing the very real prospect of having their homes sink (which MAY be the solution to all those She-Rah book signings.)  Think about that for a minute - homes - sinking - let it sink in - aaaannnnd, now - no? Doesn't bother you? Well, we weren't TALKING to YOU!! We are talking to people who can actually think beyond their own back yards. Which apparently the Far Looney Wrong cannot do, or are perhaps in an extreme case of denial. Which is also rising. (Bada-boom!)

And yes, Priscilla, there is more. There are islands in the South Pacific that are no more than a few meters above sea level, and are already seeing their nation partly under water whenever there is a storm. There are towns in Greenland facing the prospect of massive ice slides destroying them, as the dynamics are currently in place to make this a significant possibility. I don't know about you, but the idea of mudslides is hard enough for me to grasp, as a method of death, but now we are looking at freakin' ICE SLIDES? And you yutz's think the difference of a few degrees between different researchers means ANYTHING?

Just the other day, on Stinson Beach in California (nice place, been there coupla times) folks recovered, and worked to save, a type of sea turtle normally found no further north than San Diego. Recent movements of many migratory birds, fish, insects, etc., are heading in directions well beyond their normal ranges, because, well "things they happen." When the life cycle of an insect, upon whose existence a certain bird species depends for it's own sustenance, matures six to eight weeks earlier than usual, and said bird's migratory schedule doesn't change at the same rate, the bird shows up at the resort only to find there is no food at the inn. After just flying five thousand miles (you try it, ya nimrod) they tend to be a bit hungry. What are you so-called "skeptics" gonna tell the birdies - go to McDonalds? Here's a wake up clue - IT AIN'T ALL ABOUT YOU!!!

So scream and cry all you want about a few purloined e-mails, and trying to make them into a refutation of the vast preponderance (there I go again) of evidence that is actually trying to warn us all of imminent danger to our home. No, not your little hovel, Chewy, but the WHOLE FREAKIN' PLANET. 'Cuz, and I seem to have to repeat this a lot, IT ISN'T ALL ABOUT YOU AND YOUR FEEBLE MINDS.  There are many others who, unlike you, do NOT want to hand off the planet to their grandkids without cleaning up at least a part of our own mess first. I mean really, would YOU buy this house, falling down, under water, or without any water at all? Yeah, didn't think so.

Go on, play with your stolen silliness. Make up "facts" to fit your beliefs, rather than the other way around. In the end, when most of Florida, Manhattan, Sri Lanka, Bangladesh, and so on, and so on, are under water, you go out and enjoy rowing that skiff. Good excersize, I hear. 'Cuz it really doesn't matter what any one of us BELIEVES. The facts, as Noah finally figured out, will speak for themselves.

Happy swimmin'.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Time to Put Away The Toys: The Failure of the Left/Right World View

Eventually, everyone needs to grow up. This hairy bi-ped species has now evolved to the point where, if maturity does not soon take hold, it will simply go the way of the Dodo, except at it's own hand. Logic, that newcomer to the species' arsenal of options, struggles to gain a foothold in the collective conscience, but the current outlook for its success is dubious, at best. When the shrill voice of -isms drowns out the logic of the situation, you know its time to duck and cover.

Here we are, early 21st century, and we still can't seem to wake up and smell the coffee. Case in point: the President's strategy for Afghanistan, and the utterly insane partisan babble that has followed. Both the Far Wrong, and the Too Righteous have shown they are utterly incompetent when it comes to looking at the logic as it presents itself, but instead only want to scream about the way they want it to be. The Far Wrong, oh so predictably, scream about Obama "giving comfort to the enemy by declaring a date to retreat." And the Too Righteous rant and roll about "oh, he isn't the President we thought we elected." Man, is this getting tedious.

First, let us review actual history. The Taliban, (look here for actual details about these perverted sickos) those swarthy little Hitlers of the desert and mountains, have clearly demonstrated to the world they wish to create, by how they respond to the world they want to destroy. What part of "world caliphate" and "suicide bomber" are you folks on the Too Righteous band of the scream-waves having trouble getting? The last time the world saw a band of brown shirts like these insane brown turbans was in the 1930's, and look what happened then. Every time some utter nut job manages to get some foothold in the minds of the weak and frightened (think Glenny Beck here, folks,) we gotta go the whole nine yards to get rid of. Does anyone on the so-called progressive wing really believe that, by pulling US troops out of that Allah-forsaken country, those same zombie bloodsuckers will change their ways? They will suddenly stop mutilating women, preventing them from having anything even remotely resembling "equal righst," (a laughable concept in such a nation,) and allow young girls to get an education? Do you actually believe, really, that thieves will no longer get their hands or heads cut off in public arenas while the populace is forced to watch? Do you REALLY believe, for a single rats-ass instance, these ifrits have changed their ways? Really? Wow. How progressive, to allow that band of insanity to return and set up shop once more. Well, that would be on YOUR head, not mine.

And you looney tunes on the Far Wrong - you spend the last year spewing on anything and everything Obama and Democrats, slide off the deep end with saying things like "the health care plan is the worst disaster to hit America in all it's history," and now we should listen to you spew some more on Obama AFTER he essentially does what you were screaming at him to do? Don't make me laugh. You really want endless war, you really want the banks and insurance companies, you really WANT the hate-jocks to run the show. Is that because you just cannot summon the energy to actually THINK about what is best for you, or because you're too damn lazy to get off your butts and actually participate in a Constitutional democracy? Yeah, thought so. Listen, bozitos. The Prez, by setting a date for not withdrawal from the battle, as you jerks keep trying to frame it, but troops from the ground, dependent on the situation on the ground determined at that time. Let's face it - all you guys really want is to yell and scream because your girl, She-Rah, didn't win the beauty contest last year.

Look, this is really simple: we pull out now, you can rest assured Pakistan will fall within 5-8 years, max. And, uh, in case you haven't been paying any real attention to the state of reality for the past twenty or so years (which I strongly suspect on both edges of the tippy plate) Pakistan has nukes. Get it? Pakistan has nukes. How many times do I have to say it? These are people, sorry, ifrits, who are willing to blow themselves up, and take you and yours with them. They convince their followers to do this with an array of sick rationale, but one in particular - you only die once, and the pain is over quickly, really stands out. Do you think they care how big the bomb is? Oh, yes, they really do. Because the bigger the bomb is, .....wait for it, ........ the more of their enemies (read - everyone not like them) they get to kill. Which for you slow learners out there, is what nukes do, really well.

Look, Notumbus Bumbus has been antiwar since the early Vietnam debacle. He has marched, protested, signed petitions, even burned his draft card. He was in protests against the first Gulf war, and against old Bushito's latest attempt to defend his Daddy's honor. But Afghanistan? No. That is where the assault on our Nation was launched, that is where Osama bin Asshole is and was, and that is where we have to stop him. You jerks on the Far Wrong -perpetual war will only bankrupt the nation financially, morally, and in our place at the World Table. And you sad little Too Righteous have forgotten the lessons of history, and can only see one idea.

So I no longer consider myself a "progressive," nor a Democrat, and certainly NEVER a Repugnicant. I consider myself a citizen of logic. And I just KNOW there are many others like me out there.

Expect to hear from them more in the coming days.