Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Tiger Woods Hits She-Rah Pail-In With Nine-Iron, O'Really Calls It "Conspirancy"

As usual, we can trust the news to tell us what is really important. So Tiger (come on, I mean, the name says it all, right?) has been doing a bang-up job playing the field. And a couple of scientists (not unlike MORE than a couple of politicians and pundits and clergy and rant-show hosts) fluffed the numbers and called some other scientists names. And why has Paris disappeared from view (Hint: bulimia)? And She-Rah assumed to tell the Prez what to do (like we care). And, and, well, way too much information about way unimportant things. Poor Cronkite must be rolling over in his grave.

So, America, take a breath. Stop and smell the scented candles. Give yourselves a day off. Pamper your puppies. And for cryin' out loud - turn off the damn noise boxes! After all, 'tis the season and all that jazz. Ya dig?

Consider this: THEY got terrorists - WE got terrorists. They got economic meltdowns - WE got economic meltdowns. See? Globalism actually works!

So lets take a step back and ask ourselves one little question: Why do we seem so obsessed with other people's personal issues? Is it because our own sad little lives are so, well, sad and little? Or because we think we are superior to those whose foibles get aired in public? Got some hard news for you. Go on, sit down. You, yes you, have your own purple warts, your own dire secrets, your own hidden agendas. And so do I. That's why I don't give a rat's ass who is sleeping with who, who is cheating on who, who gave at the orifice and who did not. I don't care who wants to get married, as long as its for love. Or free sex, whichever. If Tiger secretly wanted to be publicly flogged, he would have told us. You really think its going to make a difference in his golf game? Come on! Anyone who can swing a club like that will have more female fans than ever lining the greens on his next tournament, I guarantee it.

As for She-Rah? I hear she and Paris are double-teaming all the boys down on Capital Hill Tavern, live shows every Tuesday night. Getcher tickets now!

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