Thursday, December 31, 2009

End of the Year, er, Decade As We Know It. Yawn...

As decades go, you have to say this one has been pretty much Bush league. Kinda smorgasbord-y, ya know? Stolen elections, terror, more terror, full emergence into the light of day by the Far Wrong, financial ruin, insane Congress - I mean, that all you got??!! Even if I take one from column A, and three from column B, that still leaves me with, well, unemployment for the masses? OK, OK, ya got me on that one. But lets take a minute to ponder some hineys, er, hindsight, eh?

After Ken Lay screwed over millions, and all those other greed-meisters up to and most certainly including Bernie "I Got Mine" Madoff (yeah, he sure did,) finished us off, we figured, well, we just might make it despite those robber barons. Oh, how the gullible will set themselves up. Yup. Down comes the house of Vegas cards that is Wall Street. Uh, with all our money. Say bye-bye, 401K. Say arevaderche to that pension, suckers. Toodle-loo, oh job of mine. So long, home-owner dreams. Wow, it's great to be an Amurica, ain't it, Glenny Beck? Sure is patriotic to shout at everyone we disagree with, right, O'Really? And She-Rah! Hows things goin' when you're rouge runs, huh? Well, I guess we musta felt really inadequate to the mullahs over there, so we went and hired a few of our own.

That's Ayatollah-ya-so to you, citizen!

Yeah, 2010's gonna be a great year. Ya just feel it comin' atcha, don't ya?


Great, just great.

Toodle-loo, Bucky.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Let's All Fly Naked!

If it wasn't for the nasty scar where I had that totally righteous "extension" surgery last fall, I'd say naked security checks are the wave of the future. But I'm not sure I'd want to be the one to cause terminal shame to all those poor slobs at the TSA - they might not recover in time to do a thorough job on the old lady behind me in line. But....if that's what we have to do to keep the flying public safe, well, what they hey! Besides - might even get a film contract out of the deal, ya never know!

Mi esposa, on the other hand, is damned pissed off with that idiot Nigerian - he sets his pants on fire, and now everyone else has to drop theirs. And she ain't so sure she wants anyone getting a gander on HER surgical results. No, no, I'll say no more!!

The thing that's really got my (soon to be dropped) shorts in a bunch is the totally fruitcake idea of making everyone stay in their seats for the last freakin' hour of the flight. Really? That gonna go over big anywhere YOU can think of? 'Cuz with MY prostate, well, they damn well be ready to hand out Depends, especially if we can't even cover up the accident with a lap blanky anymore. I don't think those boneheads have really thought this thing through. Hell - all any slightly intelligent terrorist will have to do is visit the little terrorist's room five minutes before lockdown, and he won't even have any of those pissed-off passengers to deal with. Way to go dudes!!!

As for the equally boneheaded Far Wrongers making whoopee over Obama's delay in saying what THEY demand he say, let's do a little historic replay, shall we:

It's early in the morning on September 11, 2001, and GW Bush is reading "MY Pet Goat" to a kindergarten class in Florida. And some observers point out the damn book was upside down, but why quibble - If you are Bushie, it reads the same either way. So when the Secret Service guy or whoever comes into the classroom and whispers into our Fearless Leader's ear tube, how does the Bushman react?

He sits there for an additional several minutes. Then, he gets on a plan and fly's around trying to finish the damn book, as far as anyone really knows.

Obamaman, on the other hand, waits until all the facts are available, regarding an attack that failed, and then comes out forcefully demanding a full investigation into the lapses in security that contributed to this jerkwad's even getting as far as he did. Funny though - he never once uses the word, "crusade." And has yet to say the word - yellow cake - or make calls to various county's in search of special rendition possibilities. So I kinda doubt he even begins to compare to the fallen Ayatolah, Bush.

So here's a heads-up to the Ayatollahs O'Really and Becky Boy: I see yer jaws flappin' but I ain't hearing anything helpful coming out of either of the two pieholes, ya dig?

See, I don't really for a minute think the Far Wrong has once considered the impact of their insanity on the country as a whole  - for them its all, if'n not for me, I ain't doin' squat!." Specially fer the damn the country, 'cuz them damn liberals refuse to leave. So its our ball, and we are taikn' it home, homey.

The real question here is, which damn country we gonna bomb next: Swaziland? New Jersey?

Doesn't really matter though: Those bastardey will only be able to sellin more recuitment posters.

Well, toodles - see ya next decade, (if you can't accept the Aughties any longer.

Monday, December 28, 2009

Its Nearly 2010 - Run!!!

Technically speaking, the world "ends" whenever someone dies - at least for them, it does. But otherwise, this entire notion of "the end times" is nothing more than a fear plot by the fear mongers, same as it ever was, as my good friend D. Byrne once said. Trouble is, P. T. Barnum had it right - there IS a sucker born every minute. There are also far too many fear hucksters for the food chain to support. And ain't it grand how the Good Old US of A seems to keep conning itself into this weird belief that such lies and the "right" to believe in same are just part of the "freedoms we enjoy, here in the Good Old, etc." And, I might add, ad nauseum.

Yet, its really not any different from the lies told and ritualistically believed in by other cultures, whether the lies be of a religious, political, or cultural bent? From the insane schisms of Islam, to the equally insane endless revenge cycles in Ireland, Afghanistan, Rawanda, or wherever, the operative term is always "insane." And those among such populations who do not support these beliefs are victimized by them anyway. In fact, if one decides to not take sides, one or both "sides" will make that decision for these recalcitrant non-believers. You know, like the tea baggers.

Case in point: those Ultra-Wrong Religious Nut Jobs on the Far Wrong Fringe, are all teed off about a group of atheists who had the effrontery to get a permit to post their own sign inside the Illinois Legislature, along side a nativity scene, an evergreen tree with decorations, and (a few days earlier) a menorah. Seems this really pissed off the state Comptroller, apparently a self-avowed Far Wronger, who tried to remove the sign, but was prevented by the capital police from doing so, and promptly escorted from the building.

"William J. Kelly calls the sign, placed by the Freedom from Religion Foundation, "hate speech," saying it mocks the views of believers, reported. He announced Tuesday he was going to try to remove it and made his attempt Wednesday, only to be detained by police.

"I don't think the State of Illinois has any business denigrating or mocking any religion, and I think that's what the verbiage on the sign was doing," Kelly said." (I might add - nor any business in the promotion thereof.)

"The group's message reads: "At the time of the winter solstice, let reason prevail. There are no gods, no devils, no angels, no heaven or hell. There is only our natural world. Religion is just myth and superstition that hardens hearts and enslaves minds."

So - it looks like Kelly here believes its OK to mock and deny access to everyone else's point of view, but state that point of view in his place of work (state, NOT church) and off he goes!!

Looks like what Kelly does NOT believe in is peace on Earth, goodwill toward man.

Which pretty much sums up the entire problem, eh?

Peace out,

Notumbus Bumbus

Friday, December 25, 2009

Happy Non-Denominational Holiday and Seersucker Sale, 3 Days Only!

Yeah, yeah, happy ho-ho and all that "stuff." I don't subscribe to any particular "thang" myself, but I have the same attitude toward one as I do toward all: please, PLEASE, keep yer peanut brickle off my plate!!! Now, I respect yer right to believe whatever, so long as you don't try to slap in onto my plate, ya dig? But I do take exception to folks who think they have some right, nay, DUTY, to try and cram their own convictions down other people's throats - I don't care if they are Christian, Muslim, Jew, Hindu, Republican, or Pailinoid - ain't mine, don't want it, and I'll pee on yer dog if ya keep tryin' ta shove it down mine!

That said, got a nice pair of fuzzy slippers from the spouse today, bit too warm for up here in Nome, but what the hey, it's the thought and all that. Got the spouse one o' them iPodsicles, nice to have something to listen to whilst takin' an ice shower. And new mukluks fer the sled poodle, plus earwarmers fer the poochaneese fighting cod fish. Got the gift certificate to Joey Lumperman's last election defeat, comin' up next year down there in the Lowered Expectations 48. And the ho-ho-lidays would not be complete without the nice gift from Uncle Ralphy, six and a half gallons of Cuban rum and one straw. Gotta stay warm up here, as She-Rah, the Moose Queen, has prohibited any hint of global warming hereabouts.

Reminds me - gotta get out the sno-blower. Got moose totally coverin' the drive. Makes it really hard to keep yer eyes on those damn Ruskies.You know how they always want to steal our holiday cheer.

Toodles. And don't forget to appreciate that wonderful holiday sound, blasting from malls all over Amurica -

Ka-Ching, ka-ching, bada bing!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

So? - It's Not Our Fault, Anyway

OK, lets say there really is no such thing as Global Warming, or, what the hell, that we, puny furry bipeds that we are, bear no responsibility for it should it "actually" come true. Lets just say that, OK? Let us instead pose a somewhat different hypothetical situation, and lets see how all you naysayers out there might respond should this hypothetical scenario ever hit the headlines, or, Goddess forbid, Al Gore ever makes a movie about it.

(The first announcement:)

"Scientists from three continents confirmed today the approach of a massive meteor on an unavoidable collision course with Earth. Its current speed and trajectory indicate it will hit in the Arctic region north of Russia, and is the size of Iceland. Authorities from the US, Russia, and France today announced a joint task force to send all nuclear weapons into space to impact on the meteor in hopes this action will either deflect the meteor, or break it up into small enough pieces that the impact and subsequent damage will be minimized. Should this attempt fail, or be delayed by as much as one day, it would mean the end of civilization. Scientists predict the loss of life could exceed 3 billion people. The loss of habitat and land under cultivation will mean the potential extinction of most of the species on the planet, and a vastly diminished food supply. The dust from the impact will obscure the sun for hundreds of years, and will trigger a new and rapid onset ice age. The President, Barack Obama, has appealed for calm, and for all Americans, and indeed all the people of the world, to pray to their gods for intercession. More news at 11."

(The Next day:)

"Members of the Republican Party, led by media personalities Glen Beck and Bill O'Reilly, and accompanied by Sarah Palin, issued a statement today calling the reports of an impending planet-busting meteor impact a "patent hoax, as revealed by some purloined emails that state meteors are an invention of liberal scientists who just want to wreck our economy." Beck added, "Besides, if it really is what they say it is, and I seriously doubt they know what they are saying about anything that I disagree with, the problem isn't ours, it's the damn Russians. Let them use their own money and nukes to fix their own problem - we didn't exactly cause this problem now, did we?"

(2 years after impact)

The Island Nations of North America today issued an all-points alert for the capture of Glen Beck, Bill O'Reilly, and Sarah Palin for crimes against common human sense. A reward of One Million peso-bucks is offered for information leading to their capture. Please contact the Inter-Island Interim Legal Directorate for further information, or to make any report on this matter."

(3 years after Beck's capture:)

"Your honor, though I doubt you have any, I object to having to answer to you or any other liberal, scientist, or so-called Constitutional officer for merely bringing up the thoughts that were in so many people's minds about believing anything the Government of that Kenyan, Obama, was lying to all Americans about. All this destruction wasn't caused by any so-called meteor, but by illegal aliens from Hawaii and Africa who can't even prove they were born. I have proof they have no proof, so I know I am right, and you are..." (transcript unavailable. Recording indicates a snorting sound followed by a heavy thud and a squishing sound.)

The verdict was announced in the following day's Public Email - guilty, and dead by his own large head falling off onto the courtroom floor. O'Reilly and Pailin's trials begin tomorrow.

Or at least, that's what I think will happen. And if I can think it would happen, then who am I to say it won't?

And if I am  right, what does that make you?

Monday, December 21, 2009

Scrooge Changed HIS Stripes - The Odds Are Not So Good For O'Really, I Suspect

Normally this time of year, at least among the Xmass cognoscenti, the name Ebenezer Scrooge conjures images of sugar plums slammed upside the head. Stingy, nasty, hum-bug spewing hate-meister. But in case you never did the research yourself, here's a fine how-do-ya-do about the Big Skinflint. It turns out the name "Ebenezer" is fraught (finally - I got to use that word!!) with historic implications. According to one source, it is defined as "The name Eben-Ezer also means "God has led us thus far" or "Thus far God has helped us" according to 1 Samuel 7:12." (Some ancient gnostic texts, however, claim it has the added meaning of, "yeah, fat chance," but this cannot be independently confirmed.) The most general explanation is "a place of refuge."  The same source states "One school of thought believes that it stems from a grave marker for an Ebenezer Lennox Scroggie. The marker identified Scroggie as a “meal man” (corn merchant), but Dickens misread this as “mean man”.[1]  (Well, "mealy-mouthed" does come to mind.)

When one looks at the transformation of the character by the end of the story, one can begin to appreciate how redemption and the quest for forgiveness brings one refuge from the travails of the world. Remember, however - this is a work of fiction, albeit with an intention to cause a teachable moment in that sordid era of early industrial England.

And here we are again, in post-industrial America, hobbled by war, debt, failed policies, etc., and who has the loudest voice shouting down all and everyone? Bull "Scrooge" O'Really, that's who. And I have serious doubts even the third ghost has a shot at reaching this humbug-spewing, hate-loving, cold-hearted bastard's soul.

But hey, Merry and Happy, and as Tiny Timothy once said, "Bless us, everyone." But under his breath he added, "good luck on that for you, O'Really. Good luck for anything at all."

And somehow, I think he really meant it, the little saint.

Ah, fiction. Never have to answer for it. Ain't it grand?

Toodles, and cheerio!

Sunday, December 20, 2009

You Do It Your Way, We'll Screw It Up OUR Way!

Don't it just tickle yer pinky's, folks, how if there's away to make things worse, we hu-mans are the real Champ-eens on that front? We can mess up the most pristine nature, we can mess up most any culture you can name, why, we can even really mess up our own habitat to the point where we can't even live in it anymore! Now, tell me - can any other creature on this planet even TOUCH our record??!!

HELL, no!

We are so damn good at screwing things up, we can't even help doing so when we supposedly want to "turn the boat around." The whole freakin' WORLD goes to Copenhagen, and uses as much carbon as 40,000 Amuricans do in ONE FREAKIN' DAY! Lets see a penguin do THAT!!! And, to top off the sundae, we succeed - in not getting a damn thing done! Whoo-hoo!! We are the CHAMPIONS!

See, its critical to our self-importance that we do an even better job at extinction events than those stupid dinosaurs. Hell, they were just big LIZARDS.  We, damn it, are HU-MANS. Take THAT!!! And we don't need no stinkin' meteors, ya dig? We can do it with a simple piece of coal, and the hot, self-serving air of the wealthy and obscenely selfish people who sit at the top of the food chain. Who, by some as-yet-to-be-revealed secret hand-shake technique, have conned many other fellow hu-mans into agreeing to believe in easy-to-use double-speak, to buy in to the "the world is not heating up and if it is its not our fault so we don't need to do squat" mentality.

Do ya think there's an Oscar for that?

Well if there isn't, there damn well should be! Go, Hu-Mans!!


Friday, December 18, 2009

How Dare You Call Us Racist, We Accept All White Peoples!

So this is what its come to, eh? As my Cannuck friends would say. Pile up a load onto the back of a black man, then vilify him when he doesn't "perform" to your liking (and crowing, behind closed doors, that you KNEW "that one" wouldn't be able to "handle" the pressure.) And even when you find a black man (who isn't really black - he's cafe au lait) who you "admire" for his accomplishments, as soon as he shows he is human like the rest of us, (well, I'm not so sure about that guy over there) you line up to push him over the edge. Even when he did the same thing a white politician did (who gets a little slap on the wrist,) you stomp on the fella with so much glee its actually more disturbing than his behavior.

This is a field day for all the hypocrite racists out there (remember the song, "Smiling Faces Sometimes," recorded first by The Temptations, and then by The Undisputed Truth?) They can spin the story any way they choose, then act all "upset" when they are called on the true nature of their behavior. "We are outraged, having these people call US racists. We demand an apology!!!" Right. An apology? From people who your ilk have been happy to s**t on for several hundred years? Good luck on that, Jack.

Ya see, nothing changes. Assholes are still assholes, greedy bastards are still greedy bastards, hypocrites are still hypocrites. Makes ya feel all gooey inside, don't it?

And what does everyone else do? They freakin' backpedal!!! Come on, people! Grow a backbone! The jerkwads in the media go apeshit over every thing the bozitos scream about, and then get all defensive when called on their own complicity! Give me a freakin' break!

Here's a little piece of truth about the media, folks. Most of the time, OK, nearly ALL of the time, the media considers the word "objectivity", and the phrase "corroborate the story" as laugh lines to most of the jokes they tell down at the pub. The on-going game of denying any responsibility for what "the people" do with what the media reports is truly disgusting.. But what the hell - it IS the American way.

To paraphrase another black man, "Why can't we just leave Tiger alone?"

Oh, you thought I was talking about someone else? Well, whatever you want.

Don't let me stand in the way of the truth.

There's plenty of people doing THAT just fine.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Don't Buy Global Climate Change? How Exactly Do You Plan to Stay Afloat?

Ever fill a bathtub? Ever "go too far"? You know - have the bloody thing over-flow? Sure you have. Don't worry, we won't tell your Mom - yet. Here is what happens, just in case that brain fog created by watching too much Glenny Beck O'Really stalls the recall, Bucko. One moment the water is at the brim - following? The next moment, its all over the floor, leaking through the ceiling, all over your Dad's old record collection with those obscure groups like The Beattles and The Kinks. And you just KNOW Dads gonna whale the tar out of your behind. And you start working on some entirely new (you think!) excuse for why it happened that does NOT include, well, you? Hey, don't try to change the subject!

Anyhoo. The example herein should help you "slow learners" to just start to "get" the real impact of global climate change. You know - rising sea levels? I like to start with the easy concepts, ya dig? If you want a visual to help wrap your minds around things like, say, losing Florida, watching the New York Marathon underwater, or saying a final goodbye to the little island of Tuvalu, take a look here. Sure, we all thought Water World was a stinker, though you have to admit, gills on Kevin Costner was a distinct improvement. But it may soon be time to work on your own slimy bad guy outfit to go with that busted-up Ski-do, 'cuz the water is a'risin', my friends.

But worry not!! There is a new world waiting for us all - a mere 43 light years away, and if we're lucky, the water levels should have lowered a bit by the time we arrive, and we can start all over again, and take up our perpetual war right where we left off! I'm tellin' ya, Bucko, it gets me all warm and squishy inside just thinkin' about it. Already got my own aqua lung, wet suit, and short board, and a life-time supply of super-shark repellent.

You, on the other hand, can go fish!


Insurance Reform is What We Need - When do We Want It? Never, Apparently

Oh, hell. Just shoot the poor beast and put it out of its misery, for decency's sake. This entire laugh riot taking over anything remotely resembling a soul of the Congress of the United Corporations is beyond the pale. Which of course is one of the primary symptoms (as any decent nurse's aide can tell you,) of politicalis sypholoccocus. And yes, Virginia, you CAN catch it from any direct trust of aforesaid institution. And pretty much the entire bunch, both sides of the "aisle" are doing their best to spread the infection. And you are still worried about H1N1?

And Prez? Where did he go for such a long vacation? If he cannot step up to the plate and use the bully pulpit (as opposed to the Repugnicants using it on him,) well, lets just find some way to console ourselves at being allowed to get fooled again (Oh Pete Townsend, where are ye when we need ye?) Guys turning out to be an empty suit - all smoke and mirrors, fully compromised. Step up to the plate, dude! You got a freakin' MANDATE, fer cri-yi! You get elected in an historic election, hold out that "hope" crap, and everyone is eating out of your hand. You go all "bi" on us, which sure does sound grand, don't it? But after these Repugnicant slime-balls spit on every overture, you just keep laying down askin' fer more of the same abuse. What kind of drug they put in yer tap water over there, anyway?

Look, this thing is easy-peazy, ya dig? Just go to LittleSis and listen to what she's tellin' us all: there ain't more than a small handful of so-called "people's representatives" with an ounce of integrity. Seems it doesn't take as much as you might think to buy the politicians you need to get things your way, every damn time. You think the Demoncrats are fightin' the good fight? Well, I recommend Imodium (TM) today and every day till the end of time, or you are gonna ruin many a pair o' undies, let me tell you! And THAT is just the Demoncrats!

As for the so-called health care bill? Just another insurance plan for the insurance and pharma companies.

But then, deep in your heart of hearts - you already knew that, didn't you?

So. What are you going to do about it?

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Call a Spade a Duck if You Like, But I Still Can't Dig It.

"Health Care Reform?" Who the hell are they kidding? Bozitos on the Far Wrong want everyone to be scared, very scared, about a "government takeover," like that hasn't already happened with our roads, our military, our taxes, well, you get my drift. And bozitos on the Too Righteous end of the spectrum think a "public option" is equated with the Third Coming (what, you missed the Second? Pay less attention to your TV this time, silly,) and, just as those on the other end of the teeter-totter, have failed to read the fine print.

And fine it is! First, the very name of this bill (you'll know its a bill when it shows up in the mail,) is a piece of perfect deception. This whopper is actually better called the "Insurance Company Windfall and Christmas Present for Lobbyist's" bill. There are so many loopholes, hidden goodies, and squirm room in this mutha that it seems all the opponents are "right" about the monster, but as usual, for all the wrong reasons.

The so-called "public option" was dead on arrival anyway. The insurance companies have never been, and never will be, champions of "free enterprise." Hell, "free enterprise" just means businesses have the right to shove their "enterprise" freely down our throats, especially those with "financial instruments." Don'tcha love that term? I mean, what else would those greed-mongers use to operate on our skulls with, anyway? And don't even PRETEND they're sterile, except insofar as the wielders of these "instruments" are sterile to any fallout or "reform."

Folks, here's the truth - we have been getting screwed over by the insurance (read: protection rackets) companies, the banks, the credit card industry, the credit ratings firms, and all their little "ilk" for so long we can't even tell when they change positions, and keep on screwing us as though it were a walk in the park, and we had to do it on the grass. And as long as we keep playing their game THEIR way, you betcha we better make a big investment in lube, just to save our own behinds.

Oh, you think bitching and moaning, electing some other bozito, marching in the streets, petitions, and the like will make a difference? Sad little people. What will it take to shake their tree? Shouting, from whichever side, will do exactly nothing. No, what is necessary, is action. I'm not talking revolution here - that's just a way for another faction to be lining their pockets with the fat cats slut money. No - what we CAN do, is change our own habits as firmly and as aggressively as we can.

Here are just a few ideas:

Take all your money out of your bank, and put it into a credit union. Different rules, not focused on greed, and still insured by FDIC (which of course doesn't mean THAT much these days, but still...) Then, pay off those credit cards as fast as you can, then cut them up, send them back, tell them to go screw themselves. Credit unions offer checking, debit cards, and the like, at much better rates, anyway. Stop buying big-ticket items for one year. Stop buying ANYTHING you don't truly need. Come on - you don't need THREE lattes a day, Cindy, make do with one fewer of everything. Care about the environment? Sorry, public transportation pollutes as much as cars, and don't even go where you want to go. So, walk when you can, bike when you can, and buy gas at those discount station for cash only.

The point of all this is to firmly remind the banks, the insurance companies, the brokers, and those other pirates on Walled-In Street where their REAL money comes from. A month of any combination of three of the above by 50% of the population will get their attention. Two months will "cause consternation." Three months will get those Shills on the Hill to start speechifying. And six months? At six months, you can bet your little pea-pickin' heart there will indeed be panic - on Walled-In Street, across the banking sector, and in the Halls of Congress (TM), and then watch things start to change.

See, what these pirates and highway robbers have done is to con nearly all of us into believing "this is just the price of living in a free society." Well, I'm telling you it ain't. It's nothing more than a self-serving (serving themselves, that is) lie. And every four years, we participate in a great con that has us, yep, you and me, bucko, keeping the lock secure on that Grand Lie. "OH, let's elect Joe, he promised us Heaven," and "OH, he will change everything, all by his little old self." ('Scuze me, gotta gag - there, better now.) Repugnicant, Democrass, and the big laugher, "Independent" be damned - the minute they are "bought" by us the voter/taxpayer/sucker, they're sold to the highest, and sometimes the lesser highest, bidder. And that, Cindy, is how they "do the people's biddnest."

So excuse me if I ain't all in a huff about the so-called "health care" debate, 'cuz believe me, suckers, it isn't anything at all like a debate.

It's just haggling over the spoils. As usual.


Sunday, December 13, 2009

Jerks in the Ascendency: O'Really Really Pokes Self in Eye

The LA Times has a story on the great Bill Moyers, last of the true moralists in media today. Seems this particular Bill is stepping down, figuring that 75 years is as good a time as any to finally retire, maybe write some more books, maybe take the grandkids fishing. Good on him, I say, and may the best await you.

But this is the story of another Bill, a Jerk of the First Magnitude. Seems Bill O'Really? thinks it was he who is responsible for "forcing Moyers off the air."  Talk about a foul stench.This Jerk of Jerks, this King Rat Jerk, who has nothing but bone in his head, actually has the temerity to believe he is a better person than Moyers? If it wasn't so clearly laughable, I'd be projectile vomiting at the very air he occupies.

Let's set the record straight, eh? O'Really doesn't have the talent of a dead gnat - he just yells louder than a wounded pig. Yes, its clear he "speaks" to some "element" such as the teabagger pigletts, but lets be honest - he has the integrity of same mentioned dead gnat, except at least the gnat has the decency to shut up once in a while.

America, let me ask you a question - do you REALLY want this country run by the No Nothing, Care Nothing Party led by O'Really and Glenny Beckandcall? 'Cuz if you do, then I suggest you all just take Alaska and that Moose Queen and play by yourselves. Because I can guarantee - you are in for a real fight.

Most REAL Americans want democracy - not Bluto-ocracy.


Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Tiger Woods Hits She-Rah Pail-In With Nine-Iron, O'Really Calls It "Conspirancy"

As usual, we can trust the news to tell us what is really important. So Tiger (come on, I mean, the name says it all, right?) has been doing a bang-up job playing the field. And a couple of scientists (not unlike MORE than a couple of politicians and pundits and clergy and rant-show hosts) fluffed the numbers and called some other scientists names. And why has Paris disappeared from view (Hint: bulimia)? And She-Rah assumed to tell the Prez what to do (like we care). And, and, well, way too much information about way unimportant things. Poor Cronkite must be rolling over in his grave.

So, America, take a breath. Stop and smell the scented candles. Give yourselves a day off. Pamper your puppies. And for cryin' out loud - turn off the damn noise boxes! After all, 'tis the season and all that jazz. Ya dig?

Consider this: THEY got terrorists - WE got terrorists. They got economic meltdowns - WE got economic meltdowns. See? Globalism actually works!

So lets take a step back and ask ourselves one little question: Why do we seem so obsessed with other people's personal issues? Is it because our own sad little lives are so, well, sad and little? Or because we think we are superior to those whose foibles get aired in public? Got some hard news for you. Go on, sit down. You, yes you, have your own purple warts, your own dire secrets, your own hidden agendas. And so do I. That's why I don't give a rat's ass who is sleeping with who, who is cheating on who, who gave at the orifice and who did not. I don't care who wants to get married, as long as its for love. Or free sex, whichever. If Tiger secretly wanted to be publicly flogged, he would have told us. You really think its going to make a difference in his golf game? Come on! Anyone who can swing a club like that will have more female fans than ever lining the greens on his next tournament, I guarantee it.

As for She-Rah? I hear she and Paris are double-teaming all the boys down on Capital Hill Tavern, live shows every Tuesday night. Getcher tickets now!

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Post-Apoplectic Ramblings

 Yeah, Like They Really Care About My Beach-front Property

Went out yesterday and bought me a dinghy. Decided its best to be prepared, as my old scouting slogan advised. And now I'm looking at cheap property up in the foothills, 'cuz things don't look too good down by the shore. Funny thing is, I don't think the price on inland properties will rise nearly as fast as the sea level - most folks are just too much in denial. Even so, I may try to by a few extra parcels, a little speculatin', if ya get my drift.

Another Damn Fereigner

I love Copenhagen - Little Mermaid, Hans Christian Andersen, water cannons, really big limos. Kinda makes me warm and fuzzy, if a little frustrated. I mean, all the good cheese is out of stock. Some of the people here just can't get their heads out of everyone else's asses. Its far too much fun to yell at people who are trying to move the ball forward, and not nearly as fun to protest and riot in Republicrat country, 'cuz folks tend to get their asses kicked harder therein. And yet...

You Rope 'Em, We Brand 'Em

I was planning on climbing Mt. Whatsahappnin next week, but my rope was stolen. It seems some real yahoo had an idea of ropin' hisself a whale.  I know what yer thinkin' - yer thinkin' I just sit around and make this s**t up, but not this time, no siree! Seems this dumb-ass whale went and intentionally wound itself up in my stolen rope, and then demanded taxpayer dollars to get free of his own mess. I think this "too big to fail" thing has gotten a mite out of control, if ya gets my drift. I plan on writin' my Congressy person to demand they force whales to buy their own rope, and foot their own bills. Its time the fish learned whose in charge of this planet!

Ohio Still Can't Get It Right - The Slow Approach Fails

Those bozitos up Ohio way once again fail to get the big picture. Oh, they started out with great promise, all that paving, and extra-wide freeways and waist lines, but then they go and do some real dumbass thing like this. I mean, how can you expect to get a handle on meaningful population control when you make it a virtue to do a one-up approach? First they go and do their damnedest to restrict abortion, and can't rise to the occasion to balance things out by working out a wholesale execution system. You'd think these losers LIKE to fail. I say we balance things out by arbitrarily turning off lights at blind intersections in a random pattern, perhaps based on the Fibonacci Theorem. Hell, you could institute State-wide gambling on top of it, and probably balance the State budget.

See? Ya gotta learn to think outside the big box malls.

Monday, December 7, 2009

I Can Dream,Can't I?

Last night I had a dream. Nothing unusual about that, I suppose. But some dreams seem so,  well, really real, dontcha think? Oh, I don't mean like, "hey look, I CAN fly," or other such silliness. No, I mean like the dream could be real, or wow, wouldn't it be wonderful if, and that sort of thing.

Anyhoo, as I was saying, I had this dream, that stupidity had been outlawed, making all stupid people outlaws (is that the opposite of in-law?) Now, the initial effect of this was not unlike those poor smokers, confined to wet, cold outdoor locations for the betterment of mankind and such. So the actual impact on those sad sacks was minimal, at least initially. What made things interesting was when several stoopids, as they came to be called, tried to start a demonstration to demand equal rights. Can you say "crackdown?" Overnight, there were "education centers," (no, not re-education centers, as it was reasoned there had been too little education in the first place, so this was a remedial solution, as it were) where the stoopids were sent, in sincere hopes they would somehow grow "out of it," as the parlance came to be.

Anyway. In this dream, I saw all these little Beck and O'Reilly clones being herded into an education center, where, besides being taught to read, they had to learn to stop screaming their little slogans, or, as most of the population called them, "rants." There were some initial failures, well, a couple of really atrocious ones, to be honest, but eventually, the centers had stoopids matriculating into actual people, who understood and abided by things like the Constitution, who showed appreciation for points of view other than their own, and sometimes (and this is really what surprised people the most,) apologized for their prior stupidity and asinine behaviors.

The benefits to society at large were  enormous. Congress, re-invigorated with intelligence and bi-partisan cooperation, passed more, and more effective, legislation in one year than Congress in the previous twenty years had managed to do. Corporations actually started to contribute to the Nation's well-being, not merely to their "bottom lines," a phrase that took on new meaning, especially in the world of haute couture, where fashion models suddenly learned the value to the brands they represented by smiling (admittedly, there were several cases that required plastic surgery to repair the damage.) Within a few short years, the practice spread to other nations, and by the year 2075, the U.N. became the de-facto arbiter of disputes between nations, which all nations agreed to abide by. That year, the U.S. elected the first Ph.D. to the Presidency. When President Natalie Rodriguez took her oath of office, she said,"I wouldn't be where I am today if it hadn't been for those stoopids who went before me, and allowed me the chance to rise from the poverty of  my grand-parent's time, to gain the education promised to every person in America."

Just as she was about to say something about world peace, I woke up. Yeah, I know. Just a dream. But, who knows - maybe one day, no one will want to be seen as stupid. Especially those who can't see how stupid they really are.

As you might suspect, I'm not holding my breathe. 'Cuz that would just be stoopid.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Don't Try to Make Me Think - It Hurts Too Much. Or - Yes Glenny, Pigs WILL Fly.

It seems the Far Looney Wrong doesn't have enough things to play Twizzler with. I mean, they gots their "birthers," and their "truthers," and their "climate skeptics,"and what all. And we KNOW how much these fringe-sicles like to take a tiny inconsistency in the facts of something, and make those inconsistencies "mean" the thing itself is, well, a lie. Or (and don't we all just love it,) a "conspiracy." So it really comes as no surprise these same nut jobs have taken some inconsistencies and even a few stoopid remarks by a couple of climate researchers (stolen, I might add - a point that has gotten surprisingly little comment from anyone) and claim these minutia are "proof" there really is no climate change.

Now, where I come from, saying the sun is green don't make it so. You might want it to be green, you might run around tryin' to tell folks its green, but no matter how hard you try, or how loud you yell, the damn thing stays yellow. And that is why the folks in white coats needs ta have a look at ya.

So what the hell difference does it really make, that a coupla sad-sack researchers try to fudge their numbers? I mean, it ain't as if these few yutz's represent the entire field of research, ya dig? Besides, it just might be that, having to conduct research in East Anglia, fer cry-yi, just makes folks do stoopid things. The actual truth of the matter is, the vast preponderance (oops - sorry for the big words again,) of the evidence, of which more than 98% of ALL climate researchers agree and concur, and are trying desperately to get the rest of us yahoos to wake up to, tells us we furry bipeds may be on a path to do to ourselves, (and every other poor creature sittin' in this stew with us) what it usually takes a serious comet smackin' into the planet like a banked shot down at Louie's Billiards would do. And I don't know about you bozitos out there, but I for one do NOT plan on movin' to the Himalayas just to have beach front property.

So, lets talk facts. Yes,I said FACTS. 1. The sea level IS rising, yep, and QUITE well documented at this point. 2. The glaciers, the freakin' ice caps, the big-ass Greenland ice sheet, and Murray's Ski Chalet are all melting at a faster rate than was even predicted LAST YEAR. Which partially explains #1. 3. (I like this one - 'cuz most folks take a few minutes to actually GET the implications) The freakin' permafrost is melting, and fast. Permafrost. Folks, people in Alaska, and in every community above the Arctic Circle, are facing the very real prospect of having their homes sink (which MAY be the solution to all those She-Rah book signings.)  Think about that for a minute - homes - sinking - let it sink in - aaaannnnd, now - no? Doesn't bother you? Well, we weren't TALKING to YOU!! We are talking to people who can actually think beyond their own back yards. Which apparently the Far Looney Wrong cannot do, or are perhaps in an extreme case of denial. Which is also rising. (Bada-boom!)

And yes, Priscilla, there is more. There are islands in the South Pacific that are no more than a few meters above sea level, and are already seeing their nation partly under water whenever there is a storm. There are towns in Greenland facing the prospect of massive ice slides destroying them, as the dynamics are currently in place to make this a significant possibility. I don't know about you, but the idea of mudslides is hard enough for me to grasp, as a method of death, but now we are looking at freakin' ICE SLIDES? And you yutz's think the difference of a few degrees between different researchers means ANYTHING?

Just the other day, on Stinson Beach in California (nice place, been there coupla times) folks recovered, and worked to save, a type of sea turtle normally found no further north than San Diego. Recent movements of many migratory birds, fish, insects, etc., are heading in directions well beyond their normal ranges, because, well "things they happen." When the life cycle of an insect, upon whose existence a certain bird species depends for it's own sustenance, matures six to eight weeks earlier than usual, and said bird's migratory schedule doesn't change at the same rate, the bird shows up at the resort only to find there is no food at the inn. After just flying five thousand miles (you try it, ya nimrod) they tend to be a bit hungry. What are you so-called "skeptics" gonna tell the birdies - go to McDonalds? Here's a wake up clue - IT AIN'T ALL ABOUT YOU!!!

So scream and cry all you want about a few purloined e-mails, and trying to make them into a refutation of the vast preponderance (there I go again) of evidence that is actually trying to warn us all of imminent danger to our home. No, not your little hovel, Chewy, but the WHOLE FREAKIN' PLANET. 'Cuz, and I seem to have to repeat this a lot, IT ISN'T ALL ABOUT YOU AND YOUR FEEBLE MINDS.  There are many others who, unlike you, do NOT want to hand off the planet to their grandkids without cleaning up at least a part of our own mess first. I mean really, would YOU buy this house, falling down, under water, or without any water at all? Yeah, didn't think so.

Go on, play with your stolen silliness. Make up "facts" to fit your beliefs, rather than the other way around. In the end, when most of Florida, Manhattan, Sri Lanka, Bangladesh, and so on, and so on, are under water, you go out and enjoy rowing that skiff. Good excersize, I hear. 'Cuz it really doesn't matter what any one of us BELIEVES. The facts, as Noah finally figured out, will speak for themselves.

Happy swimmin'.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Time to Put Away The Toys: The Failure of the Left/Right World View

Eventually, everyone needs to grow up. This hairy bi-ped species has now evolved to the point where, if maturity does not soon take hold, it will simply go the way of the Dodo, except at it's own hand. Logic, that newcomer to the species' arsenal of options, struggles to gain a foothold in the collective conscience, but the current outlook for its success is dubious, at best. When the shrill voice of -isms drowns out the logic of the situation, you know its time to duck and cover.

Here we are, early 21st century, and we still can't seem to wake up and smell the coffee. Case in point: the President's strategy for Afghanistan, and the utterly insane partisan babble that has followed. Both the Far Wrong, and the Too Righteous have shown they are utterly incompetent when it comes to looking at the logic as it presents itself, but instead only want to scream about the way they want it to be. The Far Wrong, oh so predictably, scream about Obama "giving comfort to the enemy by declaring a date to retreat." And the Too Righteous rant and roll about "oh, he isn't the President we thought we elected." Man, is this getting tedious.

First, let us review actual history. The Taliban, (look here for actual details about these perverted sickos) those swarthy little Hitlers of the desert and mountains, have clearly demonstrated to the world they wish to create, by how they respond to the world they want to destroy. What part of "world caliphate" and "suicide bomber" are you folks on the Too Righteous band of the scream-waves having trouble getting? The last time the world saw a band of brown shirts like these insane brown turbans was in the 1930's, and look what happened then. Every time some utter nut job manages to get some foothold in the minds of the weak and frightened (think Glenny Beck here, folks,) we gotta go the whole nine yards to get rid of. Does anyone on the so-called progressive wing really believe that, by pulling US troops out of that Allah-forsaken country, those same zombie bloodsuckers will change their ways? They will suddenly stop mutilating women, preventing them from having anything even remotely resembling "equal righst," (a laughable concept in such a nation,) and allow young girls to get an education? Do you actually believe, really, that thieves will no longer get their hands or heads cut off in public arenas while the populace is forced to watch? Do you REALLY believe, for a single rats-ass instance, these ifrits have changed their ways? Really? Wow. How progressive, to allow that band of insanity to return and set up shop once more. Well, that would be on YOUR head, not mine.

And you looney tunes on the Far Wrong - you spend the last year spewing on anything and everything Obama and Democrats, slide off the deep end with saying things like "the health care plan is the worst disaster to hit America in all it's history," and now we should listen to you spew some more on Obama AFTER he essentially does what you were screaming at him to do? Don't make me laugh. You really want endless war, you really want the banks and insurance companies, you really WANT the hate-jocks to run the show. Is that because you just cannot summon the energy to actually THINK about what is best for you, or because you're too damn lazy to get off your butts and actually participate in a Constitutional democracy? Yeah, thought so. Listen, bozitos. The Prez, by setting a date for not withdrawal from the battle, as you jerks keep trying to frame it, but troops from the ground, dependent on the situation on the ground determined at that time. Let's face it - all you guys really want is to yell and scream because your girl, She-Rah, didn't win the beauty contest last year.

Look, this is really simple: we pull out now, you can rest assured Pakistan will fall within 5-8 years, max. And, uh, in case you haven't been paying any real attention to the state of reality for the past twenty or so years (which I strongly suspect on both edges of the tippy plate) Pakistan has nukes. Get it? Pakistan has nukes. How many times do I have to say it? These are people, sorry, ifrits, who are willing to blow themselves up, and take you and yours with them. They convince their followers to do this with an array of sick rationale, but one in particular - you only die once, and the pain is over quickly, really stands out. Do you think they care how big the bomb is? Oh, yes, they really do. Because the bigger the bomb is, .....wait for it, ........ the more of their enemies (read - everyone not like them) they get to kill. Which for you slow learners out there, is what nukes do, really well.

Look, Notumbus Bumbus has been antiwar since the early Vietnam debacle. He has marched, protested, signed petitions, even burned his draft card. He was in protests against the first Gulf war, and against old Bushito's latest attempt to defend his Daddy's honor. But Afghanistan? No. That is where the assault on our Nation was launched, that is where Osama bin Asshole is and was, and that is where we have to stop him. You jerks on the Far Wrong -perpetual war will only bankrupt the nation financially, morally, and in our place at the World Table. And you sad little Too Righteous have forgotten the lessons of history, and can only see one idea.

So I no longer consider myself a "progressive," nor a Democrat, and certainly NEVER a Repugnicant. I consider myself a citizen of logic. And I just KNOW there are many others like me out there.

Expect to hear from them more in the coming days.


Monday, November 30, 2009

All Fall Down: Getting Back to One

Thomas Friedman of the NY Times, wrote an Op-Ed this past week that seems more on target about terrorism than most I've read. Which isn't saying much, as most such attempts seem biased in one direction or another without offering anything in the way of "take-away." Friedman offers a significant one, but then falls a bit short by not addressing the problem from the other side.

Yes, its pretty clear the radical Islamic world has a "Narrative," as Friedman calls it, but then so does the West, the US in particular. And our narrative started, I repeat, STARTED, with a lie of grand scale, regarding a people already in possession of the land our "Founders" wanted as their own. That particular Narrative, stirred to a frothy tipping point after 9-11, utterly fails to apply any self-examination as to how that collective Narrative has fueled the seething anger within Muslim peoples all over the planet.

Yes, the Arab governments in particular use their Narrative to keep their own people "in check," but it is equally our failing to make room within our own Narrative for inclusion of disparate ideas and peoples.

The history of the American Narrative is one of exclusion, hatred, demonizing the other, followed by specific group struggle, and eventual, albeit often too slow, inclusion, if not actual embracing of this identified "other." When Japan attacked the US at Pearl Harbor, the US, quite rightfully, cranked up this Narrative to full throttle. We imprisoned all Japanese American citizens, confiscated homes, businesses, and expected their own young men to enter the battle against their ancestral home, which most did without hesitation. Eventually, but again, far too slowly, the Narrative admitted its excesses and re-opened the door to that particular group of citizens.

Since WW II, the US has, largely through intrigue and the mighty power of the IMF, conducted an extension of the original "manifest destiny" notion through co-option and direct interference with governments all across the globe. We call this aspect of our Narrative, "foreign policy,"and "national interest," and feign outrage when these policies create "problems," that accrue blame and anger by the affected parties.

The US has made much noise in the past few decades about "globalism." Unfortunately, the West seems stuck on the idea that globalism only encompasses trade and the flow of capital, but really has nothing to do with such tedious topics as environmental issues, labor, human rights, and the like. Why are we so shocked and outraged at the reaction and anger coming from countries that have been marginalized, not only by their own governments, but by US and European foreign policy that deals with the leaders of those nations, but ignores the conditions those governments impose on their own people? While using money from the American taxpayer.

So, Mr. Friedman, while I applaud your effort, as needed as it is, if falls unfortunately short. When you ask Muslims to be honest with themselves, to question the Narrative being fed them daily and violently, I suggest you ask the same of the Western nations, to so examine their own Narratives, with blunt honesty, and perhaps, for once, not a little humility. After all, what is truly needed right now is a dialogue, between people who can mutually respect the other.

Anything less than that is merely a continuation of the Manifest Destiny Monologue. What else would you call the "exporting of democracy" when its done at the point of a gun? And when it continues to drain the Treasury and the blood of our own people?

Sunday, November 29, 2009

"New Moon" Reveals The Truth About Climate Change Hoax!!


In the new film, New Moon, a conversation secretly filmed between three werewolves was inadvertantly put into the final edit by "an anonymous source." In the part of the film where one werewolf tells the others its "noticing how we seem to be molting pretty much at the same rate as ten years back."  Another gives a dog-like laugh and replies, "Yeah, those so-called climate change guys are just trying to make us all believe we have to migrate South earlier if we hope to retain our luxurious pelts." This apparently brought on such a bout of wolf-giggles that the next cut to the un-changed werewolf's excessive abs seems, well, faked, somehow.

Joe Bob McGillicuddy, of the "Science Wants To Steal Our Soul" organization, who seek to debunk anything with a difficult explanation as "science swill," and "horse puckey even my Gramma woulda pee'd on," said his group has had its largest fund-raising day ever after these revelations came to the local Cineplex. "We know the truth when it bites us in the ass, and we intend to show the rest of the world what that looks like," he exclaimed. "And we hope to have She-Rah Pail-In down here soon to sell her book, and to make a speech about how they shoot werewolves from helicopters up there in Alaska, in between watching them Ruskies from her front stoop."

Officials from the American Academy of Sciences were reported to have sprayed milk out of their noses when they heard the initial reports from McGillicuddy's group broadcast on Al Jezzera. One scientist was seen scratching his butt and making monkey noises before rolling his eyes and going back to work. No official response has been made by the Academy.

Friday, November 27, 2009

Black Friday, Purple Saturday

Well, here we are, less than 24 hours past our consume-by date, and we are back in the spending saddle again. Yeeee-haaawwwww! Sales on the horizon, discounts at the Mall!! Hot damn!!!! Gotta get me one of them, two of those, ten more of these, and happily sell my soul to the VISA Demon. And why not? We'll all be dead by 2012, give or take a billing cycle, anyway.  And yet, I can't help feeling we've forgotten something...

Could it be frugality?  MMMMMMM, nah. Or possibly a "lesson" from the past few years of spending dangerously? [snicker} Riiiihgt. Mmm - no. Gee, I'm stumped.

See, if I only spend within "my means," whatever the hell that means in this Great American Consumer Society that is the Envy of all other Capitalistic "democracies," well, the whole damn house of cards might collapse,  and well, we can't have that now, can we? If I suddenly stop being controlled by my credit score, if I stop buying with my credit cards, if I start asking that seditious question, "do I  really need all this stuff," well, you just KNOW They are going to send out the Thought Police pronto. Oh, yes, shut that boy up!!!

Because lets face it, folks. This whole shebang hinges almost exclusively on everyone's continuing to buy the Lie, that we are only as good as our last purchase, that our lives are empty and meaningless without more stuff. Jobs will be lost, banks will fail, billionaires will cry, and well,  we just can't have that.

There is this belief we have perpetuated in this country, and of course made every kind of effort to foist upon the rest of the world, that growth is everything. GDP is a measure of growth, not sustainability. Consumer Confidence is measured by how much consumers are spending compared to some point in the past, i. e., growth vs. stasis or retrenchment. And yet, growth without sustainability is an excellent description of..... wait for it....cancer. We are arguing about Global Climate Change without daring to talk about the actual driver of the phenomenon itself - population growth, which has become a cancer to the planet's future. How can we expect to actually address a problem we can't bear to talk about in the first place? Because to talk about the population question, just as talking about the religious belief in growth as the raison' d'etre of our economic existence, is to violate so many beliefs in so many quarters we risk shutting out most of the world.

Essentially, because we fear beliefs tightly ensconced in superstition and fundamentalist certainty, we would rather allow our  economy, and by what should be a clear extension, the very health and viability of the planet to run headlong off the cliff, taking us all with it.

Well, that sure will solve the population problem, won't it?

Truth is, folks, we have no chance in hell of "growing" ourselves out of this problem.We are going to have to do the one thing the human race has never done before: We are going to have to choose between our beliefs, and the facts. And what are the odds we will actually make the right choice?

Well, I ain't holding my breath, ya dig?

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

First in a Series: Hypocrisy and Lunacy Go Hand-In-Hand

A little story bounced on the radar this morning that really rocked me back on my heels a bit. Michael Brewer, the 15 year old boy set on fire by five classmates over a video game and an alleged stolen bike is recovering slowly, and quite painfully, while the assailants are being charged as adults for this horrific crime. One of the assailants apparently was upset when Brewer did not pay him $40.00 for the video game as promptly as he expected, and in retaliation, stole Brewer's father's $500 bike. When Brewer told the police who had stolen the bike, the thief apparently thought he was justified, after being released from a juvenile facility, in "getting his revenge." The thief, Denver Jarvis, got several friends together and went after Brewer. They caught him at an apartment complex, doused him with rubbing alcohol, and set him on fire. He suffered 2nd and 3rd degree burns over 60% of his body.

Now, you are probably asking yourself how in the hell I could even BEGIN to associate this horrific act with the insanity of the Far Wrong. And well you should ask.

The Shift, as I call it, seemed to start way back in the 90's, but really took off after September 11, 2001. The polarization between the Far Religious Wrong and the rest of the nation just seemed to zoom off the radar. Family planning clinic bombings, murders of abortion providers, insane Internet conspiracy theories alluding to Government involvement of the downing of the WTC, even the training and funding of the terrorists, these and even worse insanity began to creep over the edge of the dark side of the American psyche. And then came Barrack Obama.

Suddenly, the truly insane and dangerous wing of the wingnutty Far Wrong went into a rabid frenzy. And when their gal (yes, they were NOT voting FOR McCain, they were voting FOR She-Rah Pail-In. You can bet your life on that.) lost to an, ahem, "man of color," well, things went bat-shit crazy.

Suddenly, we got truthers, we got birthers, we got whack jobs galore. The level of hate spewing forth from television and radio and Internet blogs and "news" sites went certifiably apocalyptic. Some of the stuff said about our legally elected president (unlike the last joker,) is beyond seditious, and makes me wonder how long it will be before the Secret Service takes some action. The Hate Jocks have been yelling fire in the theater, and no one is getting too concerned. The "mainstream" press is asleep, the so-called Democratic Party is a mass of wuss, and everyone can't wait for the next apocalyptic blockbuster.

Whew. Is that enough, or should I go on?

So it is both no surprise, and at the same time, a confirmation of the hypocrisy of the Far "Fake religious" Wrong, whose so-called "life" platform is so full of hate and death it simply has no moral foundation. It therefore comes as no surprise that children, CHILDREN, for the sake of all that matters, have gotten the message that the rule is no longer "do unto others as you would have them do unto you," but rather is, "do unto others whatever it takes to show them who runs the show." This is the heart and (shudder) soul of the message the Far Wrong is intent on delivering to the country they believe they have the right to RULE while simultaneously bitching and moaning about "Islamic Fundamentalism," and "those damn illegal aliens." What they really mean is, "Our religious intolerance is Righteous in the eyes of the Lord, and all you other heathens are going to Hell." Wow. Sure sounds like bin Laden clones to me.

Oh, sorry. Am I being to harsh here? No, I think not. Children shooting, burning, raping other children? Too harsh? Adults proclaiming their patriotic credentials who have NO CLUE what the US Constitution actually says or means spewing hate and racism and claiming God is on their side? Too harsh?  Too angry? Not funny enough?

Not by the longest shot you can even begin to imagine.

Hell, I'm just getting started.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Fat Drained From the Head of Bill O'Realy; Phish Tacos Blamed; She-Rah's Unexpectedly Newish Face Raises Alarms

Ya don't always get days as good as this one, when all the news manure seems to be especially odoriferous, yet utterly enervating at the same time. She-Rah Pail-In's aide returns Her Moose's dish; Repugnacants snubbed by Obama, who in turn blame the Prez for not being "bi-partisan;" (unlike the Retreads, whose bi- credentials are impeccable, especially in rest stop restrooms) consumer confidence up, FDIC down; Adam Lambert goes down for the count (ahem), but doesn't really go all the way; and so on, and so on. Oh, where to start?

How 'bout them fat suckers down in Peru? If they came up to the good old US of A, they could open clinics in every Amurican city, and put Jenny Craig out of business in a month. They might even be able to get some of that excess pork out of Washington, what say? And think of what they could do for the images of the Far Wrong punditry - Bill O'Really would finally fit into his suits and get rid of that too-obvious anal probe, Rash Limburger would be able to see his toes, for the first time in a generation, and Michelle O'Bach-Bach-Bachman would finally be rid of that terrible overhanging upper lip that causes her to sound like a broken chicken. Talk about a telegenic upgrade! But it would never work - the folks who brought this new technology to the market would be illegals here. But we COULD buy all the Punditocrats a one-way ticket to the Andes! Wouldn't that be generous of us?

What a way to show our thanks, in this season of taking!

Monday, November 23, 2009

A Moment of Calm, Followed by Shear Madness

I noticed today I may need a haircut: I'm getting that Lincecum look, and I don't really need a bong bust now that I'm a star. Of what, you ask? (OK, so you didn't actually ask. But you did THINK it, right? Right? Aw, fugedaboutit.) But my usual day for being shorn is on Thursdays, so I'm a bit SOL this week. And I really don't want to get any hair in the gravy, ya dig? So I thought I would go look for some kind of fashionable hair net, and well, you can guess how THAT turned out. Instead, I decided to wear a skull cap, 'cuz there won't be any Jews or Muslims there, and I figured I'd be able to represent all those out there with so little to be thankful for. But without appearing to be selling any particular brand, especially that Beck brand. You know, the one that always cry's and wets itself whenever someone says "Obama is the President?"

But I do intend to have a bird this year - sorry all you vegans out there, I just couldn't get anyone your size into the oven, so I'm gonna make do with squab. And perhaps a little limbaugher gravy, in case I'm feelin' flu-ish. Usually wipes out most transient life forms on contact, or so I've heard.

And wouldn't ya know it - Aunt Ginny is comin' to the feast this year. We missed her last year when she had to do her fifth turn of service in Afghanistan. So to get a chance to have at least three-fifths of her here is a real blessing. We even promised her the drumstick. Gotta keep her morale up, in case they pull her in for a number six.

And what am I thankful for this year? That I am not David Bohner, or Glenny Beck, or one of those Tea Haggers, Far Wrongers, or Logic Dodgers. That I didn't say anything bad about Diane Feinstein, despite the strong urges. That I have such a dear, dear friendship with so many really great people who actually read the Constitution, and even understand and adhere to its principals. That unlike so many in law enforcement, I didn't feel the need to stomp on the little people, especially aboard mass transit vehicles.

And that I have you, dear reader, to thank for nothing in particular, just to thank, you know, for reading this endless drivel. Without throwing old socks. Or something worse.

Bless you, and toodles.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Failure to Appear

Yeah, got me a jury summons yesterday. Can't say I didn't see it coming. I did vote, and I did get a drivers license, so with those two Constitutionally protected rights come pay-up time. Thing is, every time I "get the call," they simply won't let me sit on a jury! It may have something to do with my day job (which I can't mention here because if I did I'd have to kill me for letting the cats out of the bag - oops, I mean, the dog out of the, oh, forget it.) Anyway, whenever they ask that all-important question as to what one does for a living, well, both sides excuse me faster than a spam sandwich in Hawaii. Which brings me to today's topic - terrorist trials in Nueva York.

All the spooky scary silly arguments about why holding terrorists to answer for their crimes as near the scene of their crimes as possible has apparently set a great number of Far Wrongers to gnashing their teath parties and swizzling their schticks, with hyperbole like "this will make New York a terrorist target." MMMM, yeah. And, "this will just give them terrorists a propaganda platform," and other such insanity. Oh, and I love this one - "what if the jury acquits them, finds them innocent?" OK. Calm down.I know, you want to give these bozitos a swift slap aside the skull, I understand the temptation. But get a grip, brothers and sisters! Remember that "hoisted on their own petards" thingy? (What exactly is a petard, anyway?)

First, since when has New York NOT been a target? Come on, all you Rush babies out there, surely you can't be that frightened of the very people you keep bragging about how YOU are gonna kick THEIR asses? Whasamattau? Grow some spine, dammit! New York has always been a target - look what Andy Warhol accomplished, for Cri-Yi. You afraid a coupla pissant terrorists gonna blow up the courthouse, as though THAT would make a better point about what we the People really think about them, the not-people?

And "propaganda platform? "Hellloooo! Can you say Internet? Can you say "suicide bomber blows up Hell" at Eleven? Really? They really NEED another platform? I think not. Another life? Sure, but platform? Unless they mean shoes, I'd say "nah!"

And don't you just LOVE the "jury might acquit them?" In freakin' New-effin-York? Man, do I have a bridge to sell you! There isn't a jury in the entire COUNTRY who would vote for acquittal, even if these guys were only charged with selling souvenir photos of Abu Graib. Oh, but then some of you want it both ways, don't you? You fear an "acquittal," by an American jury, but then get all "ooohhh" patriotic and civil liberties with, "oh, so you mean its all nudge, nudge, wink, wink, a show trial, is that what you mean?You mean the game is (horrors!) mock justice?" Oh get over yourself, you pathetic worms! You are Repugna-cants, dammit! You do show trials nearly every day!! And even then, claim mock horror when accused of it yourselves! So get off you low horse!

Lets call all this whining what it really is, shall we? It's really "we got our butts handed to us in the last election, and by a black man at that, so we are going to do and say everything we can to piss on your parade, and make everyone think its your piss." That about it? 'Cuz I think you Far Wrong losers, with all your harping about She-Rah Pail-In and CareyIdidn'tmakethosevideosyoujustwanttodestroymePrejean being your role models for remaking the Repugnant Party, have developed a "thing" about backing losers, while revealing your narcissistic need to make the entire Nation a loser until we play nice and give you back the country you think you have a right to "rule."   EEEEyyyyyyeeeeaaaaahhhhh,  no. Not gonna happen, certainly not that easy.

Its not only the right thing to do, to try these assholes in New York as criminals, it also the (here it comes, kiddys) the Constitutional thing to do. And when you good citizens of Nueva York get those jury summonses, here's a little suggestion. Line Up Early. Don't Be Late. Pretend its a pre-Thanksgiving sale at Macy's, and there is only one dress left in the high-end department at 50% off. You KNOW you wanna be the first one in the door. And you KNOW how to be a REAL NEW YORKER. And you KNOW, you REALLY KNOW, you ain't takin' NO for an answer.

Yes, your Honor, I have NO REASON to NOT serve on this jury. Yes, your Honor, whatever you say, your Honor. Fair and impartial? Whatever you say, your Honor. When do we start?

And sorry, Far Wrongers.You ain't gettin' picked for THIS jury. No cowards allowed. This is freakin' NEW-EFFIN-YORK, and we aim to DO JUSTICE!!!!

Thursday, November 19, 2009

She Isn't Exactly Writing Her Way Out of a Paper Bag: What Ghost Do My Eyes Percieve?

She-Rah an author is not: the sad truth? She used a Ghost Writer (No, not Nick Cage! Jeeze!) Surprise! Oh, you say, but they ARE her ideas! Mmmm, yep, sure are! And, you say, she IS the New Voice of the Far Wrong. Mmmm, yep, sure is! Wonderful, ain't it? She-Rah will re-vitalize the floundering Conservative Movement, you say? Hell, yeah!

Like an enema.

Already the Far Wrong pundito-crats are spewing praise and rising to defend the Realm. CNN, through the True Red Coat Retreadican Maitlin, works up a real lather trying to equate She-Rah's publication with a political renaissance, only to spread more egg on the face of the Moose Queen. Mary, Mary, how contrary! You must know the term, faint praise? We KNOW she ain't no inteleckshual, but fer Cri-Yi, Mary, try to back a real winning moose, er, horse for a change, eh?

Look, babe, here's the sad facts: She's a quitter, she's a complainer, she sure as shoot's no campaigner, she's a loser, a real j'accuser, she's sure to disappoint when you explain her. She's all you want, nothing you need, everything everybody wants off their sleeve, She-Rah Pail-In, She-Rah Pail-In, lining up to lose the race a-gain! Don't protect her, you can't elect her, she's the Moose from Calaboose on the loose without a clue, she's the best thing to ever happen to the Dems!! (Sung to the tune of Mame, I think.)

What's the saying? Keep on flogging the horse after its dead. Won't get you to market any quicker.


Wednesday, November 18, 2009

I Don't Make This S**t Up. Nope.

Female Sexual Dysfunction: Myth or Malady?

I'll take M'lady for $1000, Alex.

Mammography: What to Do Now?

Nothing, really. They tend to puff back out on their own.

Heart Disease Found in Mummies

What about duddies, eh? Nobody wants to talk about them. Duddie discrimination, I tells ya!

People's Sexiest Man Alive '09 is surprise pick

2010 pick, however, is a foregone conclusion.

Byrd becomes longest-serving Congress member

Cookie Monster plans run against the yellow tweet. Says his member is longer-serving, and tastier, too.

Palin: My Father Raised a 'Tough Hunting Buddy'

"I know first-hand what its like to be field dressed," she said.

Maersk Alabama Evades Second Pirate Attack

Changes topic to second pirate wedding.

A Dental Shift: Implants Instead of Bridges 

Plus, they're easier to bite than an iron truss.

5 Reasons Why Google Should Not Sell Handsets 

Well, duh! Who has 5 hands?!

Heh, heh.









Tuesday, November 17, 2009

The Unpatriotic Rich

So here we are, in the midst of the Great Deception, with millions out of jobs, out of money, out of their homes, and there they are, the Far Wrong Retreads shrieking about the "worst thing to ever happen to this country" in the form of a public option for health care. (What? Worse thing ever? Wow. Pushed World Wars 1 and 2, Great Depression, San Francisco earthquake, Chicago fire, and, oh yeah, 9-11, right out of the Top Ten. Right. How Effin dumb do they think we are?) And over there we have those bankers and financial firm executed sluts, er, suits, who took billions in "bail" out money, and then jacked up the interest rates and penalty rates, and whatever the hell rates on you and me and Bobby McGee, and they, too, are screaming royal bloody s**t about having to "reign in their excesses," and "taking away the free market," and all other sorts of crapola, and, well, what the hell are we gonna do about these filthy, thievin', whack jobs making the rest of us permanent paupers? It that what you are pickin' up on your receiver, ducky? Thought so.

So along comes the IRS, just doin' their jobs, tryin' to find the deadbeat cheatin' slime balls being a real drag on the economic engine that is modern Amuricah, and even more gnashing of the teeth ensues. The Furtive Rich is all P.O'd about their secret Swiss bank accounts being "open to public view," or at least getting those nice little greeting cards from the IRS. Tough love hurts, its true.

But here's what is really rubbin' my inner thighs raw. Most of these thievin' rich SOB's are, yep, Retreads. Far Wrongers with a penchant for Swiss cheese. Who howl the loudest about all things Amurican. Who proclaim themselves as more patriotic than those pesky liberals, union members, abortion providers, and John Stewart. And who, for some slimy, slick, slithery, sick, greedy, elitest reason, think they are exempt from carrying their fair share of the load for this country.

Truth? These F**k-wads are the most unpatriotic jerks around. That includes those talk-show vomit mouths who daily excoriate all and sundry who haven't slipped as far over the edge of vitriol and insanity as they have. Lets get something straight here, fellow citizens - patriotism has everything to do with pitching in when the country is in trouble, and nothing at all to do with the prevalent Far Wrong ideology of "do what we say, and ignore what we do. Especially when we're fleecing you chumps blind."

During the Great War, Numero Duo, the Nation called upon ALL its citizens to pitch in, to work on the home-front as hard as the troops were fighting on the war front lines. And pretty much most of us did just that. Except for the War profiteers. Except then, when we were in some of our darkest hours, our Guvmint ACTUALLY WENT AFTER THESE BASTARD GREED-MONGERS AND PROSECUTED THEM, even seizing their ill-gotten gains in many instances. So now the IRS comes along, doing the work we, the People hired them to do, and who screams the loudest? The very same ilk, using some of these ill-gotten billions to lie, cheat, and steal, to brainwash the forgotten class into thinking this is a threat to THEIR lives, when nothing could be further from the truth.

I can't help but think of those words, uttered not that long ago, aimed at McCarthy and his minions: "Have you no shame? After all this, have you no sense of shame?"

Only when they get caught.

Sessions Tired of Going Rouge, Decides on Mascarra, Instead

Jeff Sessions, Retreadican Senator, today stated he will do everything he can to prevent Obama's latest judicial nomminnimminnee from getting a book deal before he does. He held a press conference beneath the Dome of Lieberman to announce the imminent publication of his own memoir, "If I Didn't Think of It, Its Wrong: A Story of One Man's Search For The Perfect Rant." "I could talk all day, even for weeks at a stretch, on this particular topic," he said to the three reporters who attended the hastily called conference in the Senate Chamber Pots. "If I didn't think the American People didn't want to hear what Obama or the Democrats want to say, I wouldn't not say what I've been saying all along. Which is, I'm saying what the American People have wanted me to say all along. To say nothing of the depths to which they will not sink trying to keep me from saying all the wonderful things I think they ought to hear."

He apparently went on in this fashion for some time, then invited questions from the one remaining reporter, from Foxy News. There is no report on what was asked, as that reporter reportedly failed to report in at the end of the news day, except for a cryptic message left on the station managers voice mail, something about water-boarding, and self-administering, and the faint sound of a strangled cat.

Sessions, later spotted racing across the Mall, was heard shouting to no one in particular, "I said something to somebody who needed it said," or something like that.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Repubs to America: Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid!!

Ya gotta love these folks, the Far and Seriously Twisted Wrong. Just when you think their propensity for hysteria is leveling off, WHAM, their off their meds again! This latest twisted sister act is out of the State of Lincoln, that Mid-American bellwether, Illinois. It seems the idea of housing terrorist suspects in an Illinois State Prison has generated a battle between Dems, who see the great jobs potential for their beleaguered state, against Retreads who, for some absolutely insane reason, fear this will make their state a "terrorist target." (What, the rest of the country doesn't count? Aren't we all equal opportunity targets? Hell, Illinois wasn't even in the running on the first ten rounds of draft picks. Seriously, dudes!) ) In other words, they are pretty much abject cowards.

Plus, lets face it, folks, they have zero trust in the Constitution and the rule of law. They really can't trust that the American Judicial System is capable of rendering justice. Yet, most strangely indeed, these same oafs took an oath to "defend and protect the Constitution of the United States of America." Hmm. I'd have to say, if these bozitos ain't up to the task, they really oughta step down. Because sowing fear, and a rather NIMBY fear at that, seems to be all the Far Wrong is capable of these days.

Which means (correct me if I'm seriously off track here,) the terrorists have actually beaten the Retreadican Party and it's less-than-valiant stalwarts. (See, terrorist win when they make people so fearful they actually abdicate their own self-proclaimed values. Which this clearly smells like to me. Hell, if I was al Quaeda, I'd be throwing my next bachelor party dead smack in the middle of Illinois. 'Cuz ya know, its Target Rich(T))Maybe they are going so bonkers over this because they just can't admit they rolled over like a dead armadillo, or possum, perhaps. Flat and baking, at least.

Or maybe they just prefer dubious torture centers located in other countries. Who knows. What I do know is Khalid Sheik Mohammed, after this whole thing is finally over, ain't exactly goin' to Disneyland, if ya get my drift.

Perhaps a nice deep-dish pizza?

They ain't just growin' corn out there, ya know.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

She-Rah Pail-Ihn Goes On Blind Date; Oh-Praaaahhh Makes Time For Moose and Squirrel

Where the F**K is my coffee?

She-Rah Pail-Ihn was seen recently walking down Fifth Avenue arm-in-arm with that charismatic stud, Boris Badenough, pictured above after a long, exhausting photo shoot for Rice Krispies Chocolate Snorts, due to hit the markets right after Thanksgiving. She-Rah, sporting new cat's eyes contacts and wearing bright red f**k-me pumps with ten inch heels, set the street ablaze with rumor and innuendo, most of which has turned out to be ambiguously unclear. Meanwhile, Oh-Praaaahhh released a press release designed to release the news hounds, to the effect that she was ready to "release the hounds of war" in an effort to get She-Rah to appear with her bookclub and book shield. "Whatever it takes," Oh-Praaahh stated, "Even if I have to grovel at She-Rah's feet and renounce every liberal act I've ever engaged in. She's mine," she hissed, just before her handlers hosed her down and put the restraints back on.

In other news, Margaret Thatcher gave birth to quintuplets yesterday, all of whom have declared a new war on the Falkland Island, just for spite.

More news at 11.

Friday, November 13, 2009

It May Not Be Steven King Material, but It Is Carrie!

Carrie Prejean, we thought we hardly knew ye. You, sad, maligned, sex-tape making sweetheart, how dare everyone out there be so mean and malicious to you, who only said what she believed, then wrote a book to complain about it. Then went on Larry (Weird Al) King to complain about it again, and well, so on, and so on. Then word of a (solo act) sex tape surfaces, and Carrie has a new reason to complain that they are just persecuting her for her beliefs. OK, maybe.

Ahhhhh, no. Today we learn there was not one, was not two, was not three (ahem. get on with it) but EIGHT sex tapes in all. Only to be for personal "use" nudge, nudge, wink, wink. And stills, dozens! She actually had to HOLD STILL!!! Well, she was just trying to get noticed in a cutthroat business (nude modeling) to advance her potential (porn) movie career, someday, maybe, sort of. Oh, well.

And all those Far Wrongers who came (ahem) to her defense? Just were signing up for autographed copies, one supposes? Will they ever be able to get another pure and unsullied cover girl? Will Bill O'really ever grow a conscience? Will Pat Robertson ask to trade tapes? Will Church and State finally share a conjugal bed? Stay tuned!

There goes her certificate of virginity. Now who will the Far Wrong religulous turn to in their time of need? Just wait for the DVD.


Wednesday, November 11, 2009

2012 - The Movie, and The Reality, and The Far Wrong, and, oh, Give It Up, Already!

What is it with some humans always hoping for the end of the species? And most of them are, of course, religulous types, who, on the other hand, preach that "all life is sacred." Havin' a problem with this clear contradiction, I am. The notion of "end times" goes way, way, way back, Sherman, and nearly always from some religulous nut job who has "heard the word" from the center of their own soggy brain. Which they then go on to enlist other soggy brains to "join the cause," who in turn, yada, yada, yada.

So now we get The Movie about the latest variety of soggy thinking. Purportedly based on the "Ancient Mayan Calender," (that none of the current crop of belief-a-holics even have a clue about,) this Hairy-Wood blockbuster is a real bust, perhaps rooted in the belief that, well, Hairy-Wood has been SO successful at scarin' the bejezzus out of people for so long that, why not, lets go for the REALLY BIG SHOW. Let's DESTROY THE WORLD!!! What fun.

So, kiddys, its time for the Propensities of Notumbus to lead you out of the wilderness of soggy brain-dom. Lets start with the notion these latest end-o-time fruitcakes are trying to pass off as fact - that there is this other planet, see, Earth's twin, see, that we cannot yet see, see, because its, well, on the other side of the sun, see, in perfect synch with Earth's own orbit around the sun, see? See? Si!? No?

OK. Try this. This so-called planet, that there is simply zero scientific evidence as to its actual existence, is called, get ready, Nemesis. Wow. That really makes this mythical planet's entire purpose crystal clear, so, hey! It must be true!!! MMMMM, no. See, there is this branch of science called orbital mechanics, see? It has made it possible to, oh, do little things like put humans on the moon. Oh. I see. Some of you soggys think that was a hoax? Right. And we should believe YOU about this "invisible planet?"

Try again, I will. If said Nemesis actually was where the soggys would have us believe, then all the calculations for the orbits of ALL the other planets would be, oh, I don't know, wrong? Is that the word I should use here? And of course all of several thousands of years of observed celestial and solar phenomenon would be comparable to moldy applesauce. Is that it?

Oh, Oh, wait, here's the really good part - this mythical Nemesis will, for no good or logical reason, decide its TIME TO LEAVE ITS ORBIT AROUND THE SUN, AND SNEAK OVER TO OUR SIDE AND, WHAT THE HELL, PLOW RIGHT INTO EARTH!!! Gee, was that too loud? Sorry. Just trying to match tone, ya know.

Puh-leeze. What has gotten so many people to stop believing in basic sciences, and commit intellectual Hari-Kiri by embracing something that doesn't even rise to the name, "pseudo-science?" Claptrap, yes. Ten bricks short of a load, yes, but logic? Reason? FACT? Uh, no. No, no, no, no, no. The Far Wrong, no, the Outer Limits of the Far Wrong have somehow succeeded in brainwashing soggy brains into being even more soggy. Damn, their GOOD at this stuff, eh? They even have some people believing that, hey, so what IF global warming IS true? We won't be around to be bothered with it, so, let's party like its 1599, dammit!

What? The movie? Oh, yeah. It's big, it's scary, it has Big Hairy-Wood Stars, and has cool special effects, like mass stupidity, but otherwise, I'd wait for the DVD. My prediction? Guaranteed to induce mass sogginess in already susceptible humans. And make a wad o' cash for somebody.

P. T. Barnum would have a field day.

See ya on the other side!

Monday, November 9, 2009

Hope Grows for Lieberman's Eventual Recovery, But Wife "Dubious"

With the amazing news out of Wake Forest University today, Senator Joe Lieberman is said to have "jumped for joy."  Jubilant at a hastily called press conference, Lieberman said, "So you see, I'm no longer consigned to being a dickless wonder." Pretty much both sides of the aisle, upon hearing this, broke into an extended coughing fit.

Lieberman's wife was heard saying in the background, "fat chance." And, "He wanted to be an Independent, so now he gets excited about rabbit penises. My mother was right about him, after all." Confronted over her statement later, she said, "Hell yes, I knew the mike was on. What kind of a putz do you take me for?"

20 Year-Old Berlin Wall To Be Rebuilt In the United States. Details at 11!

It about time we all admit that the Fall of Communism initiated a headlong rush to that new American phenomenon, the Tea Bagger. The Far Wrong has decided to make the separation of Them from Us permanent with a New Wall built along a line approximating the old Mason-Dixon Line, with Idaho thrown in as a gimee. The announcement caught most pundits off guard, but provoked an immediate sigh of relief from partisans on all three sides. Checkpoint Limbaugh will be located along the Arkansas/Missouri border, while Checkpoint Beck will be somewhere off the Carolina Coasts. You can find it by following the Trail of Crocodile Tears.

All in all, a good day for Amuricans, and a good day for the rest of us, too.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Giant Jellyfish Sinks The Republicant Party!

Reports from the Sea of the Potomac today say a giant jellyfish caused the Republicant Platform, upon which stood all the party stalwarts, to lean so far to the right it essentially collapsed, pinning thousands of more moderate Republicants under its vast, overbearing weight. A virtual river of slime, thought to be a mixture of jellyfish drool and Far Wrong Republicant drivel, drowned thousands more. Emergency workers are afraid to go to close to the raging inferno that erupted shortly after the collapse, fueled, it is now thought, by an explosive limbaugh grenade lobbed at the jellyfish, though too late to do any good.

Knowledgeable parties say the best thing to do is let it burn itself out. The Fund for Animals has immediately launched an investigation into the incident, stating "it looks as though the Republicants lured the jellyfish to the Platform with the intention of sicing it on Nancy Pelosi. Early evidence suggests the jellyfish was actually an Independent, who was duped into thinking there would be anchovies at the after-party." Surviving Republicant low-level functionaries had no comment. David Bohner was one of the fallen.

The President declared an emergency, but then realized the rain would take care of the mess, and sent the National Guard home. He did, however, declare a national day of drinking.