Black Friday, Purple Saturday

Well, here we are, less than 24 hours past our consume-by date, and we are back in the spending saddle again. Yeeee-haaawwwww! Sales on the horizon, discounts at the Mall!! Hot damn!!!! Gotta get me one of them, two of those, ten more of these, and happily sell my soul to the VISA Demon. And why not? We'll all be dead by 2012, give or take a billing cycle, anyway.  And yet, I can't help feeling we've forgotten something...

Could it be frugality?  MMMMMMM, nah. Or possibly a "lesson" from the past few years of spending dangerously? [snicker} Riiiihgt. Mmm - no. Gee, I'm stumped.

See, if I only spend within "my means," whatever the hell that means in this Great American Consumer Society that is the Envy of all other Capitalistic "democracies," well, the whole damn house of cards might collapse,  and well, we can't have that now, can we? If I suddenly stop being controlled by my credit score, if I stop buying with my credit cards, if I start asking that seditious question, "do I  really need all this stuff," well, you just KNOW They are going to send out the Thought Police pronto. Oh, yes, shut that boy up!!!

Because lets face it, folks. This whole shebang hinges almost exclusively on everyone's continuing to buy the Lie, that we are only as good as our last purchase, that our lives are empty and meaningless without more stuff. Jobs will be lost, banks will fail, billionaires will cry, and well,  we just can't have that.

There is this belief we have perpetuated in this country, and of course made every kind of effort to foist upon the rest of the world, that growth is everything. GDP is a measure of growth, not sustainability. Consumer Confidence is measured by how much consumers are spending compared to some point in the past, i. e., growth vs. stasis or retrenchment. And yet, growth without sustainability is an excellent description of..... wait for it....cancer. We are arguing about Global Climate Change without daring to talk about the actual driver of the phenomenon itself - population growth, which has become a cancer to the planet's future. How can we expect to actually address a problem we can't bear to talk about in the first place? Because to talk about the population question, just as talking about the religious belief in growth as the raison' d'etre of our economic existence, is to violate so many beliefs in so many quarters we risk shutting out most of the world.

Essentially, because we fear beliefs tightly ensconced in superstition and fundamentalist certainty, we would rather allow our  economy, and by what should be a clear extension, the very health and viability of the planet to run headlong off the cliff, taking us all with it.

Well, that sure will solve the population problem, won't it?

Truth is, folks, we have no chance in hell of "growing" ourselves out of this problem.We are going to have to do the one thing the human race has never done before: We are going to have to choose between our beliefs, and the facts. And what are the odds we will actually make the right choice?


Well, I ain't holding my breath, ya dig?

First in a Series: Hypocrisy and Lunacy Go Hand-In-Hand

A little story bounced on the radar this morning that really rocked me back on my heels a bit. Michael Brewer, the 15 year old boy set on fire by five classmates over a video game and an alleged stolen bike is recovering slowly, and quite painfully, while the assailants are being charged as adults for this horrific crime. One of the assailants apparently was upset when Brewer did not pay him $40.00 for the video game as promptly as he expected, and in retaliation, stole Brewer's father's $500 bike. When Brewer told the police who had stolen the bike, the thief apparently thought he was justified, after being released from a juvenile facility, in "getting his revenge." The thief, Denver Jarvis, got several friends together and went after Brewer. They caught him at an apartment complex, doused him with rubbing alcohol, and set him on fire. He suffered 2nd and 3rd degree burns over 60% of his body.

Now, you are probably asking yourself how in the hell I could even BEGIN to associate this horrific act with the insanity of the Far Wrong. And well you should ask.

The Shift, as I call it, seemed to start way back in the 90's, but really took off after September 11, 2001. The polarization between the Far Religious Wrong and the rest of the nation just seemed to zoom off the radar. Family planning clinic bombings, murders of abortion providers, insane Internet conspiracy theories alluding to Government involvement of the downing of the WTC, even the training and funding of the terrorists, these and even worse insanity began to creep over the edge of the dark side of the American psyche. And then came Barrack Obama.

Suddenly, the truly insane and dangerous wing of the wingnutty Far Wrong went into a rabid frenzy. And when their gal (yes, they were NOT voting FOR McCain, they were voting FOR She-Rah Pail-In. You can bet your life on that.) lost to an, ahem, "man of color," well, things went bat-shit crazy.

Suddenly, we got truthers, we got birthers, we got whack jobs galore. The level of hate spewing forth from television and radio and Internet blogs and "news" sites went certifiably apocalyptic. Some of the stuff said about our legally elected president (unlike the last joker,) is beyond seditious, and makes me wonder how long it will be before the Secret Service takes some action. The Hate Jocks have been yelling fire in the theater, and no one is getting too concerned. The "mainstream" press is asleep, the so-called Democratic Party is a mass of wuss, and everyone can't wait for the next apocalyptic blockbuster.

Whew. Is that enough, or should I go on?

So it is both no surprise, and at the same time, a confirmation of the hypocrisy of the Far "Fake religious" Wrong, whose so-called "life" platform is so full of hate and death it simply has no moral foundation. It therefore comes as no surprise that children, CHILDREN, for the sake of all that matters, have gotten the message that the rule is no longer "do unto others as you would have them do unto you," but rather is, "do unto others whatever it takes to show them who runs the show." This is the heart and (shudder) soul of the message the Far Wrong is intent on delivering to the country they believe they have the right to RULE while simultaneously bitching and moaning about "Islamic Fundamentalism," and "those damn illegal aliens." What they really mean is, "Our religious intolerance is Righteous in the eyes of the Lord, and all you other heathens are going to Hell." Wow. Sure sounds like bin Laden clones to me.

Oh, sorry. Am I being to harsh here? No, I think not. Children shooting, burning, raping other children? Too harsh? Adults proclaiming their patriotic credentials who have NO CLUE what the US Constitution actually says or means spewing hate and racism and claiming God is on their side? Too harsh?  Too angry? Not funny enough?

Not by the longest shot you can even begin to imagine.

Hell, I'm just getting started.

Fat Drained From the Head of Bill O'Realy; Phish Tacos Blamed; She-Rah's Unexpectedly Newish Face Raises Alarms

Ya don't always get days as good as this one, when all the news manure seems to be especially odoriferous, yet utterly enervating at the same time. She-Rah Pail-In's aide returns Her Moose's dish; Repugnacants snubbed by Obama, who in turn blame the Prez for not being "bi-partisan;" (unlike the Retreads, whose bi- credentials are impeccable, especially in rest stop restrooms) consumer confidence up, FDIC down; Adam Lambert goes down for the count (ahem), but doesn't really go all the way; and so on, and so on. Oh, where to start?

How 'bout them fat suckers down in Peru? If they came up to the good old US of A, they could open clinics in every Amurican city, and put Jenny Craig out of business in a month. They might even be able to get some of that excess pork out of Washington, what say? And think of what they could do for the images of the Far Wrong punditry - Bill O'Really would finally fit into his suits and get rid of that too-obvious anal probe, Rash Limburger would be able to see his toes, for the first time in a generation, and Michelle O'Bach-Bach-Bachman would finally be rid of that terrible overhanging upper lip that causes her to sound like a broken chicken. Talk about a telegenic upgrade! But it would never work - the folks who brought this new technology to the market would be illegals here. But we COULD buy all the Punditocrats a one-way ticket to the Andes! Wouldn't that be generous of us?

What a way to show our thanks, in this season of taking!

A Moment of Calm, Followed by Shear Madness

I noticed today I may need a haircut: I'm getting that Lincecum look, and I don't really need a bong bust now that I'm a star. Of what, you ask? (OK, so you didn't actually ask. But you did THINK it, right? Right? Aw, fugedaboutit.) But my usual day for being shorn is on Thursdays, so I'm a bit SOL this week. And I really don't want to get any hair in the gravy, ya dig? So I thought I would go look for some kind of fashionable hair net, and well, you can guess how THAT turned out. Instead, I decided to wear a skull cap, 'cuz there won't be any Jews or Muslims there, and I figured I'd be able to represent all those out there with so little to be thankful for. But without appearing to be selling any particular brand, especially that Beck brand. You know, the one that always cry's and wets itself whenever someone says "Obama is the President?"

But I do intend to have a bird this year - sorry all you vegans out there, I just couldn't get anyone your size into the oven, so I'm gonna make do with squab. And perhaps a little limbaugher gravy, in case I'm feelin' flu-ish. Usually wipes out most transient life forms on contact, or so I've heard.

And wouldn't ya know it - Aunt Ginny is comin' to the feast this year. We missed her last year when she had to do her fifth turn of service in Afghanistan. So to get a chance to have at least three-fifths of her here is a real blessing. We even promised her the drumstick. Gotta keep her morale up, in case they pull her in for a number six.

And what am I thankful for this year? That I am not David Bohner, or Glenny Beck, or one of those Tea Haggers, Far Wrongers, or Logic Dodgers. That I didn't say anything bad about Diane Feinstein, despite the strong urges. That I have such a dear, dear friendship with so many really great people who actually read the Constitution, and even understand and adhere to its principals. That unlike so many in law enforcement, I didn't feel the need to stomp on the little people, especially aboard mass transit vehicles.

And that I have you, dear reader, to thank for nothing in particular, just to thank, you know, for reading this endless drivel. Without throwing old socks. Or something worse.

Bless you, and toodles.

Failure to Appear

Yeah, got me a jury summons yesterday. Can't say I didn't see it coming. I did vote, and I did get a drivers license, so with those two Constitutionally protected rights come pay-up time. Thing is, every time I "get the call," they simply won't let me sit on a jury! It may have something to do with my day job (which I can't mention here because if I did I'd have to kill me for letting the cats out of the bag - oops, I mean, the dog out of the, oh, forget it.) Anyway, whenever they ask that all-important question as to what one does for a living, well, both sides excuse me faster than a spam sandwich in Hawaii. Which brings me to today's topic - terrorist trials in Nueva York.

All the spooky scary silly arguments about why holding terrorists to answer for their crimes as near the scene of their crimes as possible has apparently set a great number of Far Wrongers to gnashing their teath parties and swizzling their schticks, with hyperbole like "this will make New York a terrorist target." MMMM, yeah. And, "this will just give them terrorists a propaganda platform," and other such insanity. Oh, and I love this one - "what if the jury acquits them, finds them innocent?" OK. Calm down.I know, you want to give these bozitos a swift slap aside the skull, I understand the temptation. But get a grip, brothers and sisters! Remember that "hoisted on their own petards" thingy? (What exactly is a petard, anyway?)

First, since when has New York NOT been a target? Come on, all you Rush babies out there, surely you can't be that frightened of the very people you keep bragging about how YOU are gonna kick THEIR asses? Whasamattau? Grow some spine, dammit! New York has always been a target - look what Andy Warhol accomplished, for Cri-Yi. You afraid a coupla pissant terrorists gonna blow up the courthouse, as though THAT would make a better point about what we the People really think about them, the not-people?

And "propaganda platform? "Hellloooo! Can you say Internet? Can you say "suicide bomber blows up Hell" at Eleven? Really? They really NEED another platform? I think not. Another life? Sure, but platform? Unless they mean shoes, I'd say "nah!"

And don't you just LOVE the "jury might acquit them?" In freakin' New-effin-York? Man, do I have a bridge to sell you! There isn't a jury in the entire COUNTRY who would vote for acquittal, even if these guys were only charged with selling souvenir photos of Abu Graib. Oh, but then some of you want it both ways, don't you? You fear an "acquittal," by an American jury, but then get all "ooohhh" patriotic and civil liberties with, "oh, so you mean its all nudge, nudge, wink, wink, a show trial, is that what you mean?You mean the game is (horrors!) mock justice?" Oh get over yourself, you pathetic worms! You are Repugna-cants, dammit! You do show trials nearly every day!! And even then, claim mock horror when accused of it yourselves! So get off you low horse!

Lets call all this whining what it really is, shall we? It's really "we got our butts handed to us in the last election, and by a black man at that, so we are going to do and say everything we can to piss on your parade, and make everyone think its your piss." That about it? 'Cuz I think you Far Wrong losers, with all your harping about She-Rah Pail-In and CareyIdidn'tmakethosevideosyoujustwanttodestroymePrejean being your role models for remaking the Repugnant Party, have developed a "thing" about backing losers, while revealing your narcissistic need to make the entire Nation a loser until we play nice and give you back the country you think you have a right to "rule."   EEEEyyyyyyeeeeaaaaahhhhh,  no. Not gonna happen, certainly not that easy.

Its not only the right thing to do, to try these assholes in New York as criminals, it also the (here it comes, kiddys) the Constitutional thing to do. And when you good citizens of Nueva York get those jury summonses, here's a little suggestion. Line Up Early. Don't Be Late. Pretend its a pre-Thanksgiving sale at Macy's, and there is only one dress left in the high-end department at 50% off. You KNOW you wanna be the first one in the door. And you KNOW how to be a REAL NEW YORKER. And you KNOW, you REALLY KNOW, you ain't takin' NO for an answer.

Yes, your Honor, I have NO REASON to NOT serve on this jury. Yes, your Honor, whatever you say, your Honor. Fair and impartial? Whatever you say, your Honor. When do we start?

And sorry, Far Wrongers.You ain't gettin' picked for THIS jury. No cowards allowed. This is freakin' NEW-EFFIN-YORK, and we aim to DO JUSTICE!!!!

She Isn't Exactly Writing Her Way Out of a Paper Bag: What Ghost Do My Eyes Percieve?

She-Rah an author is not: the sad truth? She used a Ghost Writer (No, not Nick Cage! Jeeze!) Surprise! Oh, you say, but they ARE her ideas! Mmmm, yep, sure are! And, you say, she IS the New Voice of the Far Wrong. Mmmm, yep, sure is! Wonderful, ain't it? She-Rah will re-vitalize the floundering Conservative Movement, you say? Hell, yeah!

Like an enema.

Already the Far Wrong pundito-crats are spewing praise and rising to defend the Realm. CNN, through the True Red Coat Retreadican Maitlin, works up a real lather trying to equate She-Rah's publication with a political renaissance, only to spread more egg on the face of the Moose Queen. Mary, Mary, how contrary! You must know the term, faint praise? We KNOW she ain't no inteleckshual, but fer Cri-Yi, Mary, try to back a real winning moose, er, horse for a change, eh?

Look, babe, here's the sad facts: She's a quitter, she's a complainer, she sure as shoot's no campaigner, she's a loser, a real j'accuser, she's sure to disappoint when you explain her. She's all you want, nothing you need, everything everybody wants off their sleeve, She-Rah Pail-In, She-Rah Pail-In, lining up to lose the race a-gain! Don't protect her, you can't elect her, she's the Moose from Calaboose on the loose without a clue, she's the best thing to ever happen to the Dems!! (Sung to the tune of Mame, I think.)

What's the saying? Keep on flogging the horse after its dead. Won't get you to market any quicker.

Toodles.

I Don't Make This S**t Up. Nope.

Female Sexual Dysfunction: Myth or Malady?

I'll take M'lady for $1000, Alex.

Mammography: What to Do Now?

Nothing, really. They tend to puff back out on their own.

Heart Disease Found in Mummies

What about duddies, eh? Nobody wants to talk about them. Duddie discrimination, I tells ya!

People's Sexiest Man Alive '09 is surprise pick

2010 pick, however, is a foregone conclusion.

Byrd becomes longest-serving Congress member

Cookie Monster plans run against the yellow tweet. Says his member is longer-serving, and tastier, too.

Palin: My Father Raised a 'Tough Hunting Buddy'

"I know first-hand what its like to be field dressed," she said.

Maersk Alabama Evades Second Pirate Attack

Changes topic to second pirate wedding.

A Dental Shift: Implants Instead of Bridges 

Plus, they're easier to bite than an iron truss.

5 Reasons Why Google Should Not Sell Handsets 

Well, duh! Who has 5 hands?!

Heh, heh.