Sunday, February 7, 2010

Abbattoir!!! Now In 3-D!!!

"Abattoir" is the enchanting story of a Party of Red-State beings who, determined to retake their ravaged nation from the invading Liberal Elites, dress themselves in the haunted past of a Nation that never really was, but in the imaginations of those timeless dunces, McCarthy and Birch. An enormous gathering of the T-Ballers. as they come to call themselves, led by the Incredibly Dubious She-Rah, Queen of the Moose Tribe, they vow to work their magic and unleash The Hounds of the Corporate Skulldulligans, dripping with moolah and greed, to venture forth and wreck havoc on the forces of the Obama-Monsters until they smite them and drive their abhorrent offspring back into the foul lands of Berkeley and Princeton, and similar islands of tepid commitment inhabited by other Ilk of the Blue People.

Unfortunately, when the Grand Gatherinbg of the T-Ballers takes place, there arise Dissenters in their midst, led by the affable and gentle Rushmount Limbergher, who rises to taunt the She-Rah with shouts of "Retard, weenie, pretzel-head and meanie!" Soon, the cry is taken up by many in the mob, who perhaps mistakenly believe this to be their new-ish battle cry. She-Rah leaves the altar in tears, but not before making a curse upon the Little People who throw themselves at the feet of the Limbergher-man, that they shall wander in the wilderness of Little Rock and its environs for Lo! these many years without hope for succotash and other edible garments. The Media Mavens have a field day, and proclaim the T-Ballers another Smashing Failure, dead at their own damp hands.

The film ends with an enormous party in the Land of Berkeley, which predictably devolves into an orgy of finger-pointing and factionalism, leaving the entire field as open as it ever was.

I'm afraid I have to give this film two thumbs down. Throw 'em to the lions, Mel!!

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