Hume Fumes That Woods Headed to Tombs, Bombs Completely

Brit Hume, you are a seriously sick salamander - slimy and cold to the touch, with a brain that has spent waaaaaaayyyyyy too much time under a rock. Just where do you get off insinuating your religion is better than anyone else's? Sure, you work for FOXY NotNews, and sure, you have a big head, and, well sure, you THINK you are a jihadournalist, but we all know what you really are - a dick-head. The only good thing you've done to date is to make once and for all clear that the Far Wrongoids you spew for are in fact engaged in a Crusade - for the heartless and mindless.

I know many Buddhists who, on their worst day, have more integrity in their stool samples than you and that little Party of God you spew with has in their entire medulla oblongatas. As for your "brand" of Christianity, lets get something clear right now - you are shilling for the Brand, not the supposed message that supposedly "informs" it, as it is quite clear you and your moose ilk could give a royal crap about said message. All you really care about is marching to the Armageddon you all so fervently desire. Please, then, have your own personal barbecue, and let the rest of us alone and in peace.

Alas, that is unlikely to happen. This is due to the fact that you Far Wrongoids are so full of yourself (along with seriously huge quantities of elephant dung) that you are oblivious to the desires of everyone else at the party who wish you would just hurry up and pass out so they can resume their civilized conversation.

Oh, have I gone and gone too far? Boo-hoo, shame on me. I have no right at all to be angry at people who have appointed themselves my and everyone else's "better" in this life. Yea and verily I say unto you, do as I say, and not as I do. When am I going to get that into my thick skull?

Uh.......never?

Here's the facts as I see them (jeeze, ain't that implied by its bein' me whats sayin' it?) Each of us is born by accident. That is, we don't choose the parents, the country, the environment, etc., etc. We just show up, and all the crap is already in progress, and being shoved down our throats before we even know its not all food thats being shoved. And by the time we figure that out, we've either succumbed to the crapola, and joined in the shoveling, or we've begun the arduous process of trying to shovel our way out, and into a better vision of life-as-it-might-be. Course, then the crap shovelers tell us we are "living in a fantasy land." Or some other such crap (they get all this stuff at the same store, ya see, and that's why it all looks and smells the same. No imagination, these crap shovelers.)

So we dig, and dig, and one day see that things like religion, political beliefs, and most social concepts are really nothing more than belief systems some people have developed and been successful at selling to others to enable themselves to control their own way through this life. And among all of these belief systems, one finally emerges that tells us, Hey, all this crap is just an illusion, something we have slapped together in the belief any one of these things will shield us from the dark, from the bad people, from hunger and want, etc. Oh, and by the way, it is the very illusory beliefs we hold onto and promulgate that cause nearly all the suffering humans experience. And that INCLUDES deifying the cat what founded this idea.

Which, in the face of all the hatred spewed for millennia by other religions and belief systems, is a real breath of fresh air. Because, now listen up, kids, it DOES NOT claim to be a religion, it DOES NOT claim to be "the way," and it DOES NOT try to proselytize, to shove the crap down anyone's throat. Wow. What a concept.

And we still have to tolerate the likes of Inhuman Hume trying to sell the idea that Tiger should renounce his "religion," which is in fact NOT a religion, and join up with the Pod People on the Far Wrong, and then "all will be forgiven." There is a long tradition in so-called Christianity that warns of hubris, of elevating one's self above the "gods." Seems Hume is tempting fate within his own belief system, if'n ya asks me, boyo!

One more thing before I get off my high horse and walk again through the crap we all must walk through - who the hell gave Hume, and his sorry ilk, the right to tell ANYBODY they will be "forgiven"? Which, by clear extension, means they believe they also have the right to judge. I seem to remember something the cat they claim was the founder of their cult reportedly said. Something to the effect of, "judge not, lest ye be judged."

OOh, Brit. You are in suuuucchhhh trouble!

As for Tiger - admit it, Hume - yer just jealous. He's got waaayyy more wood than you ever will, baby!

Toodles.

And What Does Pop Culture Have In Common With Yogurt?

Now, I'll be the first to admit there may be nothing to the rumor, but I can't help but share the feeling best expressed by a character in a Hans Johst play, and popularized by Hermann Goering, "whenever I hear the word "culture", I reach for my gun." But to clarify - MY concern with people who talk "culture" is NOT with culture itself, but with those who pervert the entire idea of culture by selling the lie theirs IS the only culture, or at least, the only one with any true legitimacy. The Far Wrong, lets face it people, think moose hunting is high culture, superseded only by the successful hunting of abortion providers. But I digress (as if that should matter.)

The Royal Nut Jobs on the Far Wrong have been attempting to sell fear and lies for decades, so we really shouldn't be surprised by such el-crapola. Stll, one cannot help but feel the world will be better served if these bozitos would just attain collective laryngitis simultaneously. Its like this: Colbert = satire = funny; Beck = hate = not funny. Funny = culture; not funny = boring, which rhymes with Goering. Figure it out fer yerself, mein freund.

Of course, there is that special sort of "intellectual culture" the Far Wrong-o's like to spew, er, espouse. These toad men like to claim various aspects of science are somehow still in "controversy." They want people to debate the "controversy" of evolution; the "controversy" of global warming. They insist that "most Americans" are against abortion, conveniently ignoring poll after poll showing the real majority of Americans are against the abolition of the right to abortion. They believe that saying something in a certain way, over and over and over, at 140 decibels, makes it so, but this is merely their on-going lie, not just to the rest of the population, but to their own children, as well. Yeah, that's what Jesus would do, ain't it? Lie?

And fear? Boy, have these cretins really "got" Jesus' message, haven't they?

Truth, people? Lies and fear violate the primary commandment they tell us their "Lord" handed down - Thou shall not steal. Lies steal truth; fear steals trust and honor; murder steals existence.

The Far Wrong has been engaged in wholesale theft for decades, and trying to con everyone into believing they are more patriotic than the rest of us.

I got one thing to say to these bottom feeders:

Bullshit.

Toodles.

End of the Year, er, Decade As We Know It. Yawn...

As decades go, you have to say this one has been pretty much Bush league. Kinda smorgasbord-y, ya know? Stolen elections, terror, more terror, full emergence into the light of day by the Far Wrong, financial ruin, insane Congress - I mean, that all you got??!! Even if I take one from column A, and three from column B, that still leaves me with, well, unemployment for the masses? OK, OK, ya got me on that one. But lets take a minute to ponder some hineys, er, hindsight, eh?

After Ken Lay screwed over millions, and all those other greed-meisters up to and most certainly including Bernie "I Got Mine" Madoff (yeah, he sure did,) finished us off, we figured, well, we just might make it despite those robber barons. Oh, how the gullible will set themselves up. Yup. Down comes the house of Vegas cards that is Wall Street. Uh, with all our money. Say bye-bye, 401K. Say arevaderche to that pension, suckers. Toodle-loo, oh job of mine. So long, home-owner dreams. Wow, it's great to be an Amurica, ain't it, Glenny Beck? Sure is patriotic to shout at everyone we disagree with, right, O'Really? And She-Rah! Hows things goin' when you're rouge runs, huh? Well, I guess we musta felt really inadequate to the mullahs over there, so we went and hired a few of our own.

That's Ayatollah-ya-so to you, citizen!

Yeah, 2010's gonna be a great year. Ya just feel it comin' atcha, don't ya?

Yup.

Great, just great.

Toodle-loo, Bucky.

Let's All Fly Naked!

If it wasn't for the nasty scar where I had that totally righteous "extension" surgery last fall, I'd say naked security checks are the wave of the future. But I'm not sure I'd want to be the one to cause terminal shame to all those poor slobs at the TSA - they might not recover in time to do a thorough job on the old lady behind me in line. But....if that's what we have to do to keep the flying public safe, well, what they hey! Besides - might even get a film contract out of the deal, ya never know!

Mi esposa, on the other hand, is damned pissed off with that idiot Nigerian - he sets his pants on fire, and now everyone else has to drop theirs. And she ain't so sure she wants anyone getting a gander on HER surgical results. No, no, I'll say no more!!

The thing that's really got my (soon to be dropped) shorts in a bunch is the totally fruitcake idea of making everyone stay in their seats for the last freakin' hour of the flight. Really? That gonna go over big anywhere YOU can think of? 'Cuz with MY prostate, well, they damn well be ready to hand out Depends, especially if we can't even cover up the accident with a lap blanky anymore. I don't think those boneheads have really thought this thing through. Hell - all any slightly intelligent terrorist will have to do is visit the little terrorist's room five minutes before lockdown, and he won't even have any of those pissed-off passengers to deal with. Way to go dudes!!!

As for the equally boneheaded Far Wrongers making whoopee over Obama's delay in saying what THEY demand he say, let's do a little historic replay, shall we:

It's early in the morning on September 11, 2001, and GW Bush is reading "MY Pet Goat" to a kindergarten class in Florida. And some observers point out the damn book was upside down, but why quibble - If you are Bushie, it reads the same either way. So when the Secret Service guy or whoever comes into the classroom and whispers into our Fearless Leader's ear tube, how does the Bushman react?

He sits there for an additional several minutes. Then, he gets on a plan and fly's around trying to finish the damn book, as far as anyone really knows.

Obamaman, on the other hand, waits until all the facts are available, regarding an attack that failed, and then comes out forcefully demanding a full investigation into the lapses in security that contributed to this jerkwad's even getting as far as he did. Funny though - he never once uses the word, "crusade." And has yet to say the word - yellow cake - or make calls to various county's in search of special rendition possibilities. So I kinda doubt he even begins to compare to the fallen Ayatolah, Bush.

So here's a heads-up to the Ayatollahs O'Really and Becky Boy: I see yer jaws flappin' but I ain't hearing anything helpful coming out of either of the two pieholes, ya dig?

See, I don't really for a minute think the Far Wrong has once considered the impact of their insanity on the country as a whole  - for them its all, if'n not for me, I ain't doin' squat!." Specially fer the damn the country, 'cuz them damn liberals refuse to leave. So its our ball, and we are taikn' it home, homey.

The real question here is, which damn country we gonna bomb next: Swaziland? New Jersey?

Doesn't really matter though: Those bastardey will only be able to sellin more recuitment posters.

Well, toodles - see ya next decade, (if you can't accept the Aughties any longer.

Its Nearly 2010 - Run!!!

Technically speaking, the world "ends" whenever someone dies - at least for them, it does. But otherwise, this entire notion of "the end times" is nothing more than a fear plot by the fear mongers, same as it ever was, as my good friend D. Byrne once said. Trouble is, P. T. Barnum had it right - there IS a sucker born every minute. There are also far too many fear hucksters for the food chain to support. And ain't it grand how the Good Old US of A seems to keep conning itself into this weird belief that such lies and the "right" to believe in same are just part of the "freedoms we enjoy, here in the Good Old, etc." And, I might add, ad nauseum.

Yet, its really not any different from the lies told and ritualistically believed in by other cultures, whether the lies be of a religious, political, or cultural bent? From the insane schisms of Islam, to the equally insane endless revenge cycles in Ireland, Afghanistan, Rawanda, or wherever, the operative term is always "insane." And those among such populations who do not support these beliefs are victimized by them anyway. In fact, if one decides to not take sides, one or both "sides" will make that decision for these recalcitrant non-believers. You know, like the tea baggers.

Case in point: those Ultra-Wrong Religious Nut Jobs on the Far Wrong Fringe, are all teed off about a group of atheists who had the effrontery to get a permit to post their own sign inside the Illinois Legislature, along side a nativity scene, an evergreen tree with decorations, and (a few days earlier) a menorah. Seems this really pissed off the state Comptroller, apparently a self-avowed Far Wronger, who tried to remove the sign, but was prevented by the capital police from doing so, and promptly escorted from the building.

"William J. Kelly calls the sign, placed by the Freedom from Religion Foundation, "hate speech," saying it mocks the views of believers, CBS2Chicago.com reported. He announced Tuesday he was going to try to remove it and made his attempt Wednesday, only to be detained by police.

"I don't think the State of Illinois has any business denigrating or mocking any religion, and I think that's what the verbiage on the sign was doing," Kelly said." (I might add - nor any business in the promotion thereof.)

"The group's message reads: "At the time of the winter solstice, let reason prevail. There are no gods, no devils, no angels, no heaven or hell. There is only our natural world. Religion is just myth and superstition that hardens hearts and enslaves minds."

So - it looks like Kelly here believes its OK to mock and deny access to everyone else's point of view, but state that point of view in his place of work (state, NOT church) and off he goes!!


Looks like what Kelly does NOT believe in is peace on Earth, goodwill toward man.

Which pretty much sums up the entire problem, eh?

Peace out,

Notumbus Bumbus

Happy Non-Denominational Holiday and Seersucker Sale, 3 Days Only!

Yeah, yeah, happy ho-ho and all that "stuff." I don't subscribe to any particular "thang" myself, but I have the same attitude toward one as I do toward all: please, PLEASE, keep yer peanut brickle off my plate!!! Now, I respect yer right to believe whatever, so long as you don't try to slap in onto my plate, ya dig? But I do take exception to folks who think they have some right, nay, DUTY, to try and cram their own convictions down other people's throats - I don't care if they are Christian, Muslim, Jew, Hindu, Republican, or Pailinoid - ain't mine, don't want it, and I'll pee on yer dog if ya keep tryin' ta shove it down mine!

That said, got a nice pair of fuzzy slippers from the spouse today, bit too warm for up here in Nome, but what the hey, it's the thought and all that. Got the spouse one o' them iPodsicles, nice to have something to listen to whilst takin' an ice shower. And new mukluks fer the sled poodle, plus earwarmers fer the poochaneese fighting cod fish. Got the gift certificate to Joey Lumperman's last election defeat, comin' up next year down there in the Lowered Expectations 48. And the ho-ho-lidays would not be complete without the nice gift from Uncle Ralphy, six and a half gallons of Cuban rum and one straw. Gotta stay warm up here, as She-Rah, the Moose Queen, has prohibited any hint of global warming hereabouts.

Reminds me - gotta get out the sno-blower. Got moose totally coverin' the drive. Makes it really hard to keep yer eyes on those damn Ruskies.You know how they always want to steal our holiday cheer.

Toodles. And don't forget to appreciate that wonderful holiday sound, blasting from malls all over Amurica -

Ka-Ching, ka-ching, bada bing!

So? - It's Not Our Fault, Anyway

OK, lets say there really is no such thing as Global Warming, or, what the hell, that we, puny furry bipeds that we are, bear no responsibility for it should it "actually" come true. Lets just say that, OK? Let us instead pose a somewhat different hypothetical situation, and lets see how all you naysayers out there might respond should this hypothetical scenario ever hit the headlines, or, Goddess forbid, Al Gore ever makes a movie about it.

(The first announcement:)

"Scientists from three continents confirmed today the approach of a massive meteor on an unavoidable collision course with Earth. Its current speed and trajectory indicate it will hit in the Arctic region north of Russia, and is the size of Iceland. Authorities from the US, Russia, and France today announced a joint task force to send all nuclear weapons into space to impact on the meteor in hopes this action will either deflect the meteor, or break it up into small enough pieces that the impact and subsequent damage will be minimized. Should this attempt fail, or be delayed by as much as one day, it would mean the end of civilization. Scientists predict the loss of life could exceed 3 billion people. The loss of habitat and land under cultivation will mean the potential extinction of most of the species on the planet, and a vastly diminished food supply. The dust from the impact will obscure the sun for hundreds of years, and will trigger a new and rapid onset ice age. The President, Barack Obama, has appealed for calm, and for all Americans, and indeed all the people of the world, to pray to their gods for intercession. More news at 11."

(The Next day:)

"Members of the Republican Party, led by media personalities Glen Beck and Bill O'Reilly, and accompanied by Sarah Palin, issued a statement today calling the reports of an impending planet-busting meteor impact a "patent hoax, as revealed by some purloined emails that state meteors are an invention of liberal scientists who just want to wreck our economy." Beck added, "Besides, if it really is what they say it is, and I seriously doubt they know what they are saying about anything that I disagree with, the problem isn't ours, it's the damn Russians. Let them use their own money and nukes to fix their own problem - we didn't exactly cause this problem now, did we?"


(2 years after impact)

The Island Nations of North America today issued an all-points alert for the capture of Glen Beck, Bill O'Reilly, and Sarah Palin for crimes against common human sense. A reward of One Million peso-bucks is offered for information leading to their capture. Please contact the Inter-Island Interim Legal Directorate for further information, or to make any report on this matter."

(3 years after Beck's capture:)

"Your honor, though I doubt you have any, I object to having to answer to you or any other liberal, scientist, or so-called Constitutional officer for merely bringing up the thoughts that were in so many people's minds about believing anything the Government of that Kenyan, Obama, was lying to all Americans about. All this destruction wasn't caused by any so-called meteor, but by illegal aliens from Hawaii and Africa who can't even prove they were born. I have proof they have no proof, so I know I am right, and you are..." (transcript unavailable. Recording indicates a snorting sound followed by a heavy thud and a squishing sound.)

The verdict was announced in the following day's Public Email - guilty, and dead by his own large head falling off onto the courtroom floor. O'Reilly and Pailin's trials begin tomorrow.


Or at least, that's what I think will happen. And if I can think it would happen, then who am I to say it won't?

And if I am  right, what does that make you?