Tuesday, January 12, 2010

All the News That Fills Your Bucket List

She-Rah Pail-In will be a "common tatter" on FOXY NotNews. Now, over to you, Moose Queen!

Simon Coward will leave American's Idle to start his own line of undersized pantyhose for unreality show hosts. States irritating wedgies make for "better judging" and a higher voice.

Glenny Beck just said the same-old, same-old today, insists its all a liberal plot to destroy him.

Mark McGuire admits using sterno, just wanted to "Stay Warm," he tearfully admits.

Ayatollah O'Really said America wants him to keep talking about wood shavings, pretzel logic, and the problem of the administration of butt-fat injections into the lower lip of Rushad Limbaughmullah. Cites national security as a rationale for his blanky.

Senator Hairless Reid today announced he will run for re-election after completing treatment for "pale skin disorder."

Google admits it released Nexus One "too early." "We should have waited until Apple took another byte out of our ass's," said company spokesperson Giggles McGursky. She also provided the press in attendance a hard copy of all 47,900,673 returns on the search for "estupido," claiming all were valid returns.

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg today found himself surrounded by the potato chip makers of America and pelted with rock salt, after claiming he was on a low-sodium diet, and that all Americans would make him feel better about it if they would just join him on his diet.

Delta Airlines announced today it is raising its luggage fees, to offset what it called "an alarming trend in passengers going commando in the wake of the decision to strip-search all arriving and departing passengers under the new rules for airline security." They said too many passengers were bringing too many extra pairs of underoos, and it was adding to the already overweight "fear capacity limits" demanded by the FAA.

Same-Sex marriage foes today launched a new web site designed to prove once and for all that heterosexuality is "better for you" than what they called "that gay-ey nasty" lifestyle. Commentators include Rush Limbaugh and John Edwards, stalwarts of the married-while-straight movement.

China today test-fired their newest rocket designed to shoot down rouge attacks by Tibetan llamas, who have been launched with alarming frequency off the slopes of Mt. Everrest.

Due to recent scheduling conflicts, NBC today said that Jay Leno and Conan O'Brien would just have to "share the chair." Studio musicians will now be required to randomly stop playing their song every fifteen minutes, and the two hosts will have to "fight it out" for the chair, or take turns sitting on one another's laps.

WHO, the World Health Organization, today announced it was "throwing in the towel" on the whole "pandemic thing," said Dr. Hadda Beenthere. "We are now recommending that people, should they feel something like the flu coming on, simply light up a fatty and toke their troubles away. Besides," she added, "we could all use the vacation."

A recent study that found traces of fecal bacteria on soda fountain machines highlights what many see as a return to "Mayberry Madness," while other experts say the study was just "full of it."

More news in a moment. But first, here's a word from our sponsor, Major League Steroids, for your inner denier.

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